It is a new semester, and a long time since I have last written, I admit. My husband and I are at the beginning of a new semester. So I will focus on catching up on this last past semester.
A lot has happened. First off, and most importantly, my husband and I can't help but notice that over the semester we have grown more in love and understand each other more. Of course, we have had our share of miscommunication, disagreements, etc. But we have always grown closer for them - not further apart. Indeed, we are very happy and our love for each other grows daily.
I suppose the reason why I haven't written until now is that classes have been very busy. I was taking about 14 credits and was teaching at the university again. It was all a very enjoyable experience, just very eventful. Both my husband and I did well in our classes. I was taking seven classes and got A's in all save two. I would say that it was a successful semester for me. I rarely got anything but an A on my tests and I knew my material. I just love to learn!
It was also successful because I got better at teaching. I was more confident in front of my students and used the strategies I had experimented with the previous semester.
My husband's and my temple attendance was also good and we made time for each other. Life was great!
I also made choir again and sang at a few concerts. In one concert I was given a "half" solo, as I like to call it. It wasn't anything big, but it was a good experience and good practice for me.
I also have been blessed with a very good voice instructor. He is extremely interested in the individual. What I mean by that is, he will cater to their needs, he is encouraging (most of the time, as a music major, you only hear what you did wrong, rarely what you actually did right), and he personally advocated for me at least twice. He'll pull you into his office to talk to you if there is a concern. Keep in mind that this guy is busy all the time - but he takes the time to help the individual. Very Christ-like man. He was a good example for me in my teaching. I have always tried to cater to the individual in my class, but if it meant taking time out of my personal time, I was a little more reluctant to help, as I was very busy.
Even through all the stresses of the semester we have been carefully cared for by God. All our needs have been provided as we have been doing our best to live within our means and frugally. We have been well-provided for and cared for. Especially me because I have such a great husband!
Also this semester my husband and I were called into the nursery, but then released after a few weeks, so my husband could serve in the elders quorum presidency. Our had so many children that it actually took two nurseries to maintain an orderly class. Whenever the two were combined, it was very hard to control the kids. But all in all, it was a fun experience! I learned that my husband is very good with kids, even though he still doesn't think he is.
Consistently through the semester, we have held family/friend get-togethers on Sundays. We have held desert parties, dinner dates, and an appetizer social. These were just ways to get family and friends together that we hadn't seen for a while. We didn't do them every Sunday, but most Sundays we would try. It is kind of our way of carrying on the tradition of my brother-in-law and his wife before they left the university. We are excited to continue the tradition, especially since we have more family up here with us now!
Also, this year we passed our first date anniversary: Halloween day. We didn't get very many trick-or-treaters, and my husband and I didn't get to do much thanks to homework, but we did try to celebrate it a little. More than anything it was fun for us to share what has happened since then. We really have come a long way since then. As went over our favorite memories together, we concluded that there were many more to make.
I am so grateful that my husband and I have so much time left together. Even if something should happen to one of us, we take great peace and happiness in knowing that we have an eternity to live together. We are so happy for eternal families. It is good to know that we will Never be Alone in our endeavors. We have a partner and friend that will accompany us through eternity. I am grateful for my best friend who can sing me back our song when I have forgotten the words.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Sunday, September 12, 2010
New Husband, New Name, New Life
Married life is great! What can I say more?
I was married in the house of the Lord about five weeks ago. Most of my family made it to the wedding and were all there to support me. The day before the wedding I went through the temple for the first time. My mother was able to escort me and my sister and grandmother were there right by my side and supporting me the whole way. I was grateful for them because they helped me during the process and gave me helpful hints. But mostly I was glad they could share in the experience. Afterwords, my family took us out to eat for the occasion. It was a good chance for me to catch up and see family and friends. I still couldn't believe that I was getting married in the morning. There were persistent jokes that, "It wasn't too late to back out now!" haha. I couldn't imagine not getting married!
Needless to say, I hardly slept that night and I was up very early that morning with my sister who was gracious enough to do my hair even though she had a small son she was taking care of and still wanted to get ready herself. I was in the temple by 7:30 and waiting for the groom. There were items of business that had to be taken care of and then we were on our way! My mom was allowed to fuss over me and help me get prepared. I was a little on edge because, well, it was my wedding day and I was a little nervous! I couldn't believe it was happening (though at the same time, I did believe that it was happening), and didn't exactly want to look perfect for the ceremony, but wanted to prepare myself spiritually. I just felt like I was being rushed from one spot to the next and was afraid I wasn't going to get the right spirit into my heart. When I was completely dressed, my mother left to be escorted(?) or find the sealing room, and I was left in the bride's room again. I said a silent prayer for a time and then felt as if I should look up. I almost expected to see my grandmother there who had passed on (I'm a little embarrassed to hold myself in such respect. I was hoping to see her or feel her presence). When I did, I saw the temple worker waiting to escort me. I was taken to a room where I found my husband-to-very-soon-be and we together were taken to the celestial room where we waited to be escorted to the sealing room. We sat together and talked. I noticed another couple in the room together. They looked so happy and content with what they were doing. I wondered what we looked like. I knew my stomach was not exactly treating me very well, as I had only a chance to eat a small snack on the way over in the car with my mom. I knew I was nervous, but knew what I wanted to do.
We were escorted up to the room and before entering, met our sealer int he hallway. He was so cute and personable! He was interested in us, and we answered more questions. Then we were admitted into the room. I had been told what I was supposed to do, so I knew what was expected of me, but not entirely what I would be promising to God and my spouse. My goal was to listen as intently as possible so that I might be able to more sincerely commit to my covenants while in the making of them.
When I entered the room, my fear melted away. There were so many people there that I loved and that I knew loved me. We were the center of attention, which I was not exactly used to, but I couldn't help but feel over-joyed. They were all beaming at me! I sat in the designated spot and waited, holding my mother's hand and the hand of my fiance.
The ceremony was beautiful, and I cried through the part that was meant for my husband to participate in. Our particular sealer didn't want us to look at each other, which was a little disappointing, but I am half glad that my husband didn't see me cry. (It wasn't the most attractive thing in the world :)
After it was over, we were able to look in the mirrors and then were directed into the hallway with our parents. We did so and then in the hallway my husband did finally get a little emotional. He was so excited that we were a family.
The rest is history! We went and got pictures and then we were eventually finding ourselves at our luncheon. Most of the things we planned didn't run so smoothly, but I didn't mind. I was a little bummed that our first dance was cut short due to technical difficulties, but I didn't mind much else too bad. I wished my sister's song could have worked out more smoothly with the microphone, and that we didn't have to take time out to fix technical difficulties, but overall, it was just nice to be there with friends and family. In fact, my favorite parts were being able to talk to those who came to support me. It was all very sweet.
Of course, and indisputably, the temple has become even more a jewel to me. I have to say,the first time through was not what I was expecting, but I just could not wait to go back to gain a better understanding. I almost think I have it strait now, as we have been back weekly. We even attended a session on our honeymoon! But I have been so excited to learn more and more. Also, the more I pay attention to the words being said, the more I realize that everything is in sync with everything in the scriptures and everything I had already committed myself to, though not officially. It motivates me more to become better and do better now that I have made those commitments under covenant to my Heavenly Father. Also, I keep learning more and more! God helps me learn in more ways tan one. I just have to be willing to listen and have an open mind.
In my experience, I have always considered myself a person who learns intellectually, by thought process, as well as by the spirit's witness. I found I definitely do need to utilize both simultaneously while trying to get as much as I can out of the ceremony. I need to cognitively think and then allow the spirit to guide my thoughts. I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments and think I"m catching onto the swing of things. Being a newbie, I feel incompetent a lot of the times, where at other times I am at peace with what I have been able to accomplish thus far. I have felt in the past as if I have been plopped into a whole new world and get to discover it! Because those things are sacred, there is no room to discuss them or make mention of them outside the temple. This makes learning happen all within the walls of the temple and consequently, for brief periods of time, which causes me to want to return time and time again.
In addition to the new knowledge I am gaining through study and pondering in my heart, I cannot help but notice the spirit that ever present in the Lord's house (Even when I am upset or struggling internally, I am at peace in the temple). For I do believe our Lord and Savior does reside there. I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. But when you think about it, that is also a commandment.
Jacob 1:8 reads, "Wherefore, we would to God that we could persuade all men not to rebel against God, to provoke him to anger, but that all men would believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the world." We are to become so close to Christ that we not only walk the roads of Palestine with him (The Living Christ), or rather, study his life and follow it, but that we also bear the consequences of such actions. Weather it be the sting of personal sacrifice or the spite of the world, we need to be with Him 100%.
Once again, I repeat, I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. In Acts 5:42 it says that the Apostles departed from a council of Pharisees and rejoiced that "they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name." I know that I have covenanted at baptism to take his name upon me, and as a disciple of Christ, have the privilege of walking with him through the torrents of anger we have to pass through in this world. I know my covenants will keep me strong as I ponder over them continually in His holy house for I am Never Alone.
I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I am uneducated or close minded to believe there is a God. I know that I am very open minded to believe in him - in a being I only know to be real by faith conceived from personal discipline (we can only receive revelation if we live worthy of that gift) and prayer. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I married too young and that I should have first lived for a time with my boyfriend to "test" the relationship. I know that I have done the right thing by promising myself to my husband and by making a covenant with God. Because we are young we will grow together, and grow stronger for it. Instead of being intimate with a number of persons I will only be intimate with one. This love, unfeigned and unspotted, will be allowed to flourish and not be detained because it is growing in all sincerity and without fear. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I should be in the work force to get personal gain for myself and my family. I know that I and my family will be more benefited by my dedication to them of my time and talents, not my money. Why should I be expected to contribute my time and talents to a company or business that I hold no eternal bonds or covenants with and to whom I do not owe my undeviating attention? I know that I and my family will be blessed for my effort to bless them.
How do I know these things? I have studied and know that science has actually proven these truths. Research has indicated that a child who has been neglected does not develop the same way a child tho has not develops. I use the word neglected very loosely. I this may include children whose mothers are not there when they come home from school, or children whose parents, while even at home, do not give them the play time they deserve. Also statistically, couples to cohabit are less likely to have a lasting relationship. Every relationship will have its bumps and ruts, but those who are willing to work through those in love and harmony will always come out on top and not sever ties. But those who are not committed will detach themselves the minute they face opposition. This results in a lot of heartbreak and is detrimental to children involved. As for a belief in God, this is also, ironically supported by study. The organization of the earth itself, is a phenomenon that is inexplicable to the mind which studies its diversity and organic chemistry in depth. It is unbelievable! And even scientists who study for years cannot remotely compare to the intelligence it took to create this world. Even Einstein admitted that it would be merely impossible to inhabit the world we do without a creator to have given it direction. Also, science is always changing. God, however, is not. And nothing science seems to adequately discover is contrary to what we already know.
Alma made a similar argument when speaking with an anti-Christ named Nehor, who was requesting that Alma give him a sign to prove that there is a God. Alma said, "The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator."(Alma 30:44) But Alma also says, "And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself? Behold, I testify unto you that I do know that these things whereof I have spoken are true...Behold, I say unto you they are made known unto me by the Holy Spirit of God. ...for the Lord God hath made them manifest unto me by his Holy Spirit; and this is the spirit of revelation which is in me." Similarly, I cannot claim to know the things I know by the wisdom of men. For like Alma, I know of myself, but not by myself. I have also received a witness from God and I know these things are true. I know my marriage is pure, right, and virtuous. It has been sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise (D&C 132:19) and there is none who can destroy that or undermine it. This is the foundation for my new life.
I was married in the house of the Lord about five weeks ago. Most of my family made it to the wedding and were all there to support me. The day before the wedding I went through the temple for the first time. My mother was able to escort me and my sister and grandmother were there right by my side and supporting me the whole way. I was grateful for them because they helped me during the process and gave me helpful hints. But mostly I was glad they could share in the experience. Afterwords, my family took us out to eat for the occasion. It was a good chance for me to catch up and see family and friends. I still couldn't believe that I was getting married in the morning. There were persistent jokes that, "It wasn't too late to back out now!" haha. I couldn't imagine not getting married!
Needless to say, I hardly slept that night and I was up very early that morning with my sister who was gracious enough to do my hair even though she had a small son she was taking care of and still wanted to get ready herself. I was in the temple by 7:30 and waiting for the groom. There were items of business that had to be taken care of and then we were on our way! My mom was allowed to fuss over me and help me get prepared. I was a little on edge because, well, it was my wedding day and I was a little nervous! I couldn't believe it was happening (though at the same time, I did believe that it was happening), and didn't exactly want to look perfect for the ceremony, but wanted to prepare myself spiritually. I just felt like I was being rushed from one spot to the next and was afraid I wasn't going to get the right spirit into my heart. When I was completely dressed, my mother left to be escorted(?) or find the sealing room, and I was left in the bride's room again. I said a silent prayer for a time and then felt as if I should look up. I almost expected to see my grandmother there who had passed on (I'm a little embarrassed to hold myself in such respect. I was hoping to see her or feel her presence). When I did, I saw the temple worker waiting to escort me. I was taken to a room where I found my husband-to-very-soon-be and we together were taken to the celestial room where we waited to be escorted to the sealing room. We sat together and talked. I noticed another couple in the room together. They looked so happy and content with what they were doing. I wondered what we looked like. I knew my stomach was not exactly treating me very well, as I had only a chance to eat a small snack on the way over in the car with my mom. I knew I was nervous, but knew what I wanted to do.
We were escorted up to the room and before entering, met our sealer int he hallway. He was so cute and personable! He was interested in us, and we answered more questions. Then we were admitted into the room. I had been told what I was supposed to do, so I knew what was expected of me, but not entirely what I would be promising to God and my spouse. My goal was to listen as intently as possible so that I might be able to more sincerely commit to my covenants while in the making of them.
When I entered the room, my fear melted away. There were so many people there that I loved and that I knew loved me. We were the center of attention, which I was not exactly used to, but I couldn't help but feel over-joyed. They were all beaming at me! I sat in the designated spot and waited, holding my mother's hand and the hand of my fiance.
The ceremony was beautiful, and I cried through the part that was meant for my husband to participate in. Our particular sealer didn't want us to look at each other, which was a little disappointing, but I am half glad that my husband didn't see me cry. (It wasn't the most attractive thing in the world :)
After it was over, we were able to look in the mirrors and then were directed into the hallway with our parents. We did so and then in the hallway my husband did finally get a little emotional. He was so excited that we were a family.
The rest is history! We went and got pictures and then we were eventually finding ourselves at our luncheon. Most of the things we planned didn't run so smoothly, but I didn't mind. I was a little bummed that our first dance was cut short due to technical difficulties, but I didn't mind much else too bad. I wished my sister's song could have worked out more smoothly with the microphone, and that we didn't have to take time out to fix technical difficulties, but overall, it was just nice to be there with friends and family. In fact, my favorite parts were being able to talk to those who came to support me. It was all very sweet.
Of course, and indisputably, the temple has become even more a jewel to me. I have to say,the first time through was not what I was expecting, but I just could not wait to go back to gain a better understanding. I almost think I have it strait now, as we have been back weekly. We even attended a session on our honeymoon! But I have been so excited to learn more and more. Also, the more I pay attention to the words being said, the more I realize that everything is in sync with everything in the scriptures and everything I had already committed myself to, though not officially. It motivates me more to become better and do better now that I have made those commitments under covenant to my Heavenly Father. Also, I keep learning more and more! God helps me learn in more ways tan one. I just have to be willing to listen and have an open mind.
In my experience, I have always considered myself a person who learns intellectually, by thought process, as well as by the spirit's witness. I found I definitely do need to utilize both simultaneously while trying to get as much as I can out of the ceremony. I need to cognitively think and then allow the spirit to guide my thoughts. I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments and think I"m catching onto the swing of things. Being a newbie, I feel incompetent a lot of the times, where at other times I am at peace with what I have been able to accomplish thus far. I have felt in the past as if I have been plopped into a whole new world and get to discover it! Because those things are sacred, there is no room to discuss them or make mention of them outside the temple. This makes learning happen all within the walls of the temple and consequently, for brief periods of time, which causes me to want to return time and time again.
In addition to the new knowledge I am gaining through study and pondering in my heart, I cannot help but notice the spirit that ever present in the Lord's house (Even when I am upset or struggling internally, I am at peace in the temple). For I do believe our Lord and Savior does reside there. I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. But when you think about it, that is also a commandment.
Jacob 1:8 reads, "Wherefore, we would to God that we could persuade all men not to rebel against God, to provoke him to anger, but that all men would believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the world." We are to become so close to Christ that we not only walk the roads of Palestine with him (The Living Christ), or rather, study his life and follow it, but that we also bear the consequences of such actions. Weather it be the sting of personal sacrifice or the spite of the world, we need to be with Him 100%.
Once again, I repeat, I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. In Acts 5:42 it says that the Apostles departed from a council of Pharisees and rejoiced that "they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name." I know that I have covenanted at baptism to take his name upon me, and as a disciple of Christ, have the privilege of walking with him through the torrents of anger we have to pass through in this world. I know my covenants will keep me strong as I ponder over them continually in His holy house for I am Never Alone.
I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I am uneducated or close minded to believe there is a God. I know that I am very open minded to believe in him - in a being I only know to be real by faith conceived from personal discipline (we can only receive revelation if we live worthy of that gift) and prayer. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I married too young and that I should have first lived for a time with my boyfriend to "test" the relationship. I know that I have done the right thing by promising myself to my husband and by making a covenant with God. Because we are young we will grow together, and grow stronger for it. Instead of being intimate with a number of persons I will only be intimate with one. This love, unfeigned and unspotted, will be allowed to flourish and not be detained because it is growing in all sincerity and without fear. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I should be in the work force to get personal gain for myself and my family. I know that I and my family will be more benefited by my dedication to them of my time and talents, not my money. Why should I be expected to contribute my time and talents to a company or business that I hold no eternal bonds or covenants with and to whom I do not owe my undeviating attention? I know that I and my family will be blessed for my effort to bless them.
How do I know these things? I have studied and know that science has actually proven these truths. Research has indicated that a child who has been neglected does not develop the same way a child tho has not develops. I use the word neglected very loosely. I this may include children whose mothers are not there when they come home from school, or children whose parents, while even at home, do not give them the play time they deserve. Also statistically, couples to cohabit are less likely to have a lasting relationship. Every relationship will have its bumps and ruts, but those who are willing to work through those in love and harmony will always come out on top and not sever ties. But those who are not committed will detach themselves the minute they face opposition. This results in a lot of heartbreak and is detrimental to children involved. As for a belief in God, this is also, ironically supported by study. The organization of the earth itself, is a phenomenon that is inexplicable to the mind which studies its diversity and organic chemistry in depth. It is unbelievable! And even scientists who study for years cannot remotely compare to the intelligence it took to create this world. Even Einstein admitted that it would be merely impossible to inhabit the world we do without a creator to have given it direction. Also, science is always changing. God, however, is not. And nothing science seems to adequately discover is contrary to what we already know.
Alma made a similar argument when speaking with an anti-Christ named Nehor, who was requesting that Alma give him a sign to prove that there is a God. Alma said, "The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator."(Alma 30:44) But Alma also says, "And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself? Behold, I testify unto you that I do know that these things whereof I have spoken are true...Behold, I say unto you they are made known unto me by the Holy Spirit of God. ...for the Lord God hath made them manifest unto me by his Holy Spirit; and this is the spirit of revelation which is in me." Similarly, I cannot claim to know the things I know by the wisdom of men. For like Alma, I know of myself, but not by myself. I have also received a witness from God and I know these things are true. I know my marriage is pure, right, and virtuous. It has been sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise (D&C 132:19) and there is none who can destroy that or undermine it. This is the foundation for my new life.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
When They Think They Are Learned They Think They Are Wise
Another semester is behind me, and I am ready to be married! But instead of talking about all the wedding preparations and the excitement of the future, I want to pause and take a moment to record my experience in one of the classes I was taking this past semester.
I had the wonderful opportunity to take an ethics class. It was a philosophy 300 level class, and the professor was intimidating. For one who had never taken a philosophy class of any kind, I was a little blown away during the first week. My professor is wanted at well-known and accredited universities such as Princeton, Yale, Brigham Young University (in Provo) and others. But he ended up at our university, with a little apprehension, after hearkening to the promptings of the spirit. This guy is the real deal. He not only teaches philosophy and logic at the university, but he also teaches religious courses. He has done some travel in his career, giving seminars. But, the class was an enlightening experience.
I did well in the class, despite the initial shock. I did well on all our exams, though most of my classmates failed theirs, and I did well on my papers, which was also unusual. I felt like I understood the material and took the time out to reflectively contemplate what I was learning.
But I do not say this to boast of myself, but to make the point that I understood the material to make my next point.
In the class we spent a lot of our time pointing out what was wrong with each theory. Thought the smartest minds of the philosophical world were put to use to concoct an ethical theory to combat the rest and solve life's mysteries, no on could do it. They all fell short (on a side note I loved the class because it also taught us how to think logically and thoroughly, though that was not the purpose of the class. It more turned out to be the direct consequence of our study.)
But the gospel is unquestionable. It really is flawless. How grateful I feel for the blessings of the gospel in its fullness! I think too many times we do not turn to the ultimate source of truth, but set it at naught (1 Nephi 19:7). Our hearts are just not in the right place. Our immediate attention is not centered on our Lord's church and gospel that he organized. It is a matter of pride. President Benson stated that there was no such thing as righteous pride, and Alma taught that wickedness never was happiness (Alma 41:10). We will always fall short if we do not turn to truth.
Speaking of when the gospel was first taken from the earth after the death of Christ, Jeffery R. Holland says, "Doctrines were corrupted and unauthorized changes were made in Church ordinances and Church organization. Scholasticism replaced inspiration, philosophy obscured what had been simple truths, and false ideas crept in everywhere. Much of the knowledge of the true character and nature of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost was lost."We see that when we depend upon the arm of the flesh, we will lose the simplicity, yet precious truths that we take for granted. Nephi said, "for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm."
I love learning. The class was enlightening and inspiring, yet there was something missing, though I knew the material. I came to realize that we really are nothing. As Moses learned through his encounter with our Lord, man is nothing (Moses 1:10). There is nothing more satisfying and real than the gospel of Jesus Christ. And jointly, we can become what God intends for we are never alone. He will be there to make up the difference. Our "puny arm" of the flesh will become strong (D&C 121:33).
I had the wonderful opportunity to take an ethics class. It was a philosophy 300 level class, and the professor was intimidating. For one who had never taken a philosophy class of any kind, I was a little blown away during the first week. My professor is wanted at well-known and accredited universities such as Princeton, Yale, Brigham Young University (in Provo) and others. But he ended up at our university, with a little apprehension, after hearkening to the promptings of the spirit. This guy is the real deal. He not only teaches philosophy and logic at the university, but he also teaches religious courses. He has done some travel in his career, giving seminars. But, the class was an enlightening experience.
I did well in the class, despite the initial shock. I did well on all our exams, though most of my classmates failed theirs, and I did well on my papers, which was also unusual. I felt like I understood the material and took the time out to reflectively contemplate what I was learning.
But I do not say this to boast of myself, but to make the point that I understood the material to make my next point.
In the class we spent a lot of our time pointing out what was wrong with each theory. Thought the smartest minds of the philosophical world were put to use to concoct an ethical theory to combat the rest and solve life's mysteries, no on could do it. They all fell short (on a side note I loved the class because it also taught us how to think logically and thoroughly, though that was not the purpose of the class. It more turned out to be the direct consequence of our study.)
But the gospel is unquestionable. It really is flawless. How grateful I feel for the blessings of the gospel in its fullness! I think too many times we do not turn to the ultimate source of truth, but set it at naught (1 Nephi 19:7). Our hearts are just not in the right place. Our immediate attention is not centered on our Lord's church and gospel that he organized. It is a matter of pride. President Benson stated that there was no such thing as righteous pride, and Alma taught that wickedness never was happiness (Alma 41:10). We will always fall short if we do not turn to truth.
Speaking of when the gospel was first taken from the earth after the death of Christ, Jeffery R. Holland says, "Doctrines were corrupted and unauthorized changes were made in Church ordinances and Church organization. Scholasticism replaced inspiration, philosophy obscured what had been simple truths, and false ideas crept in everywhere. Much of the knowledge of the true character and nature of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost was lost."We see that when we depend upon the arm of the flesh, we will lose the simplicity, yet precious truths that we take for granted. Nephi said, "for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm."
I love learning. The class was enlightening and inspiring, yet there was something missing, though I knew the material. I came to realize that we really are nothing. As Moses learned through his encounter with our Lord, man is nothing (Moses 1:10). There is nothing more satisfying and real than the gospel of Jesus Christ. And jointly, we can become what God intends for we are never alone. He will be there to make up the difference. Our "puny arm" of the flesh will become strong (D&C 121:33).
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Ten Keys
So I wrote a paper for my marriage class and wanted to share it :)
Top Ten Keys of Marriage
By Aubrey Colvin
Firstly, before I share the ten principles of marriage that I believe to be the most beneficial to enable a successful marriage, I must preface my presentation with a brief lecture on charity, or more commonly known as love. With every aspect of marriage love plays an essential factor. It is our supreme motivator, advocate, welding link, and power.
When Christ made the ultimate sacrifice he not only allowed his life to be taken, but he also suffered for our sins. Every pain that we have ever experienced was replayed or produced before they had ever occurred. Because of the atonement’s infinite nature all are encompassed by it. In Tad A. Callister’s, The Infinite Atonement, he expresses that the atonement (in a nutshell) was infinite in time, power, coverage, depth, suffering, and lastly, love. In order to be able to complete the atonement, Christ had to love us with a deep love. We as imperfect beings find it hard to comprehend such a miraculous thing. Though the Savior begged to have the cup pass from him (Matthew 26:39), he knew his role and that our hope depended on him. He had compassion on us and underwent the atoning sacrifice.
Because of this love that he has for us, one can imagine how much He desires for us to be happy and utilize his atonement. This will come up in our discussion later, however I must convey the certainty I feel that Christ wants us to also love our neighbor, or those that he suffered for. The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). We must know that God loves his children and encourages us to do the same. In order to make a marriage work, the important element of love is essential in every aspect. If we truly love someone, we will be able to fulfill the principles of marriage that will be discussed.
• Active Listening
This is a strategy used by many programs and especially marriage councilors. The idea is that while one partner is expressing what she/he is feeling or their concerns, the other partner is listening, and then makes sure they understand what their partner is saying by repeating what they heard until the partner who was talking first verifies that they are getting the right idea. They may use preface these ideas by using phrases such as, “I’m hearing…,” “I’m getting that….,” “So, what you’re saying is….,” etc. Active listeners have been trained to use this technique to improve their marriages because it is a concrete, civil way to negotiate a disagreement.
But in order for active listening to be effective, one must realize that their heart must be in it. If a listener is not sincere, no matter how well their technique is, it will mean nothing to a couple in the long run. A listener who is getting the gist out of a conversation may not internalize that it is a true concern of the other partner, that what they are expressing is a genuine concern that should become their own, or that they should actually do something about it!
If a couple incorporated their love for each other in active listening, the conversation would change dramatically. Instead of begrudgingly listening in order to pass the “test” as to weather they understood what they were being told correctly, they would start to not only understand what was being said, but they would begin to understand their partner. Once this is accomplished, a couple may move forward.
• Validation
Another strategy is validation. When there is a disagreement, couples may be asked to validate each other, or rather their feelings. This is suspending judgment, and accepting one’s partner for who they are even though they may disagree on a particular judgment. It may help a couple understand that they are still a united couple because they can understand one another’s points of views. They are not to be criticized for the way they feel.
Again, if this strategy is merely played out, one cannot receive the desired effect. Validation should not be a means to pass judgment on a partner, but rather, be the mean by which that effect is expressed.
It is hard not to pass judgment on those that do not see things our way. Satan and his followers own the most common rut we find ourselves in. It is the illusion that we see things as they are – better than the rest of the world, including our spouse. This is a mindset that serves as a barrier between our spouse and us. Not only do would we find ourselves disconnected to our spouse, but also God.
• Overcoming Pride
Pride is an enormous contributor to almost every marital conflict. Pride is not liberating, as most will initially believe, but it is captivating. It works against us in all relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. Going along with our previous topic, we find that pride condemns us to thinking that all our own ideas are superior to our spouse’s. This will ultimately, conspicuously end in conflict.
Ezra Taft Benson defined pride as enmity. Enmity towards God and our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” Those are some strong words. Is he suggesting that anytime we feel rebellious, hard-hearted, unrepentant, or easily offended we are being proud? Of course! Pride takes many forms and is more around us than we may realize from day to day. It will take a lot of practice to be able to identify pride from day to day. But one thing is constant that we know: pride is always a sin.
In our marriages we must know that if there is conflict or opposition, pride, or enmity, is involved. In that moment where the natural man is working against us, physically as well as emotionally, we do not always have the eternal perspective to see that pride is working against us, not in favor of us, and that it is inhibiting our progress in our quest for eternal life and successful marriages. Darkness cannot coincide with light. Pride cannot coincide with true compromise and harmony in our marriages.
• Change from Within
Though it is natural to have pride, this does not exempt us from hope. We know that change, or repentance is possible. In our marriages we must realize that we cannot and should not try to change our partner, but we can only change and focus on ourselves.
Again, love becomes an imperative factor on this matter. Love can motivate us to change for the benefit of our partner. If was are truly actively listening and validating in love as opposed to merely duty, as mentioned before, we will find ourselves trying to change our nature to better facilitate the rectification of conflict.
Change is caused by principles of the gospel. It is our change from within, or the changing of our hearts that compel the changing of our outside behaviors. Boyd K. Packer once said, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.” If we practice good behaviors out of obligation alone, and not out of the desire of our hearts, it will mean next to nothing in our marriage. It will become a façade, mocking the divine relationship God intended us to have. But rather, when we turn our lives over to God, he will inspire us to utilize the atonement in our lives and repentance, or change, will take place. Emerson once said, “The only gift is a portion of thyself.” The greatest gift we can ever give our spouse, or the only gift we can give back to the Savior, is our hearts turned towards the right source of power.
• Sacrifice
One of the best demonstrations of love is sacrifice. Not only do we sacrifice our nature to God to better improve our marriage, but also we must sacrifice our time. The definition of sacrifice is to give up something for something greater or better. This means that though we really want to satisfy our wants and desires, we must put our partner’s wants and desires ahead of our own. Now, one might look at this and say, “Wow. That is a huge risk. Don’t my dreams matter? Don’t my needs and desires count for something?” The answer is of course. There needs to be a balance in one’s life in order to maintain stability and order. I submit that dreams and desires, in a marriage, should be focused on the other partner. This will actually bring happiness. Catherine Thomas once said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.”
There are many ways to sacrifice time and effort so as to let a spouse know that we love them. John M. Gottman lists an idea in his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” John Gottman has studies many couples for years and come up with his own theories as to what makes marriage work and what doesn’t by observation and then took his theories to develop his own counseling strategies. He began to notice from couples who entered his workshops that marriages that functioned healthily had something in common. They were devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. That doesn’t seem like a lot, right? But it was a consistent pattern in marriages. Here are the things the five hours included:
- During partings (in the morning usually before work) couples learned about one thing that was happening in their spouse’s life that day
- When the couple was reunited they engaged in stress-relieving conversation (usually at the end of a workday)
- Everyday the couples found some way to communicate admiration and appreciation to their spouse (VERY important)
- Couples found ways everyday to show their affection and in that affection not hold back love due to irritations built up over the day
- A weekly date was planned that allowed the couple’s time together be spent building their connection. The stress of the week is laid aside, and the couple is able to turn towards each other.
This may not seem like a lot, and thinking in terms of time consumption it may not be, but it makes a difference. Just a little amount of time dedicated to a loved one makes all the difference. It shows little by little, but more importantly, consistently that the spouse one loves so dearly is cared about and loved.
In a marriage we are taught to obey a celestial law. Ezra Taft Benson said, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on the earth and the establishment of Zion.” We know that Zion is built on eternal principles. Therefore we know that the law of consecration must be a part of our lives in the little Zion that we create in our families. I have not been through the temple, and do not claim to fully understand the covenants made within, but I do know that the joining of two people within those walls is the creating of on entity. What is mine becomes my spouse’s and what is my spouse’s becomes mine. This includes everything. Our dreams become each other’s dreams. Our hopes become each other’s hopes. Our desires become one. Of course this is not easy. There is the unmistakable possibility of conflict, and that is where consecration comes in. We must both learn to take it all and lay it on the alter. If there is some petty habit that comes between my husband and me it must be done away with. If there is something that frustrates me and is causing me to question my spouse’s divine nature, it must be done away with. Just as the Lamanite king in the Book of Mormon desired to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), so must I give away all factors that damage a marriage to know the godliness of my spouse’s soul.
One might think that this is asking too much of one person. But remember that sacrifice is the giving up of one thing for the greater benefit. One will be happier for merely the opportunity to sacrifice. Joseph Smith once said, “A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation…” Remember that marriage plays an essential role in our salvation. Let us have faith in the covenants we have made. Because of our sacrifices, our marriage will benefit far greater than what the sacrifices cost us. Our faith will grow in the celestial covenant we made.
- Do Not Focus On Negativity
Sometimes when you are the person that knows another person the best you get the best of both worlds. You know their strengths better than anyone else, and on the flip side, you know their weaknesses better than anyone else. It is easy to slip into a pattern of negative concern when one has the option of the two.
One might think that they have unlocked the truth about their spouse. “The rest of the world views them as this wonderful person, but I know what they are really like,” one might say. One need only realize that, as with anything, there is opposition in all things and that it is a matter of choice as to weather to focus on the negative qualities of a spouse or to focus on their good qualities. As a spouse, we can undoubtedly assume that we know our wife or husband in a way know one else does. We know tenderness that could be shielded from the rest of the world. We know acts of kindness and service that no other being has witnessed. It may be that our spouse is a hard worker that they never receive credit for. These are the things that need are attention and gratitude.
One of my favorite optimists was President Gordon B. Hinckley. He once said, “Be happy in all that which you do – cultivate a spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk one to another. Let the light of the gospel shine in your faces wherever you go and in whatever you do.” In this excerpt I can’t help but notice words that induce action. He says cultivate, subdue, and overcome. A good attitude is one that facilitates these actions, but does not bring them about in of itself. One must act for one’s self. Adversity will never completely be absent, but if one is able to focus on the positives, it will make the process that much easier.
- Love Maps
One way to look at one’s spouse positively is to build love maps. This is also a strategy used by Gottman. He says that love maps are “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” This is where you explore the things in their day-to-day life, where you store their favorites color, food, and activity. This is where you know when they have a bad day and how to best help them bounce back.
In one of my favorite movies, Fireproof, the characters Michael Simmons and Caleb Holt discuss the “Love Dare” that Caleb’s father has presented to him in hopes that he save his marriage. Caleb reads from the “Love Dare” Book that one must study their partner. While a couple dates, their objective is to get to know one another as much as possible, but once married, sometimes they do not keep up with one another’s lives and do not continue to study one another. The idea the “Love Dare” was presenting was to continue one’s education. If one had earned a high school diploma on their spouse, then they should continue until earning a bachelor degree, followed by a masters, and so on.
Gottman notes in his book that from knowledge of our spouse’s love maps not only springs forth love, but stability when couples face storms. They know what makes each other tick and utilize that knowledge to strengthen their marriage. When hard times hit husbands and wives who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other is thinking and feeling are not taken off course.
- Recognizing the Four Horsemen and Avoiding Them
Also researched by Gottman is the concept of the “four horsemen” that ride to plunder and destroy marriages in the wake of complacency. These horsemen all have one thing in common: they are all manifestations of pride. They show up in conflict and are a common predictor of divorce in the studies of Gottman. They are identified as:
- Criticism
This is easily discerned in an argument when one spouse attacks the other spouse, as opposed to the issue at hand. Say one spouse forgets to take out the trash and the other complains by saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I am sick of always having to nag you to take out the trash!” This is not a complaint about trash anymore, but a complaint against the person who has not taken out the trash.
- Contempt
Contempt is identified, by Gottman, as the worst of the four horsemen. Contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor, or anything that portrays disgust. It is the most dangerous because it leads to more conflict. Can one take their partner seriously, if they are fighting back with an artillery of snide remarks?
- Defensiveness
Defensiveness may be one of the most natural responses in a conflict. But like contempt and criticism, it does not help resolve conflict. If one has been told that they should pick up their socks once in a while, and defends their reasons for not picking up their socks, it can easily turn into a fight of who is right and who is wrong. It no longer is a safe session in which a spouse can explain their frustrations, but one in which they feel like they have to tiptoe around just to keep the peace. This can lead to built-up resentment that will not rest until it comes out in a colossal explosion.
- Stonewalling
This example is frustrating to both husband and wife simultaneously. This is most common among men, but can be found in women as well. Stonewalling is where in the face of conflict, a partner disengages completely from the conversation. They can either stonewall by turning away from their partner, walking away, or pretending to be interested in something completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. They do not offer the casual feedback that one would give if they were listening. It is as if a section of their brain has completely shut down. A “stonewaller” is most likely flooded. Flooded is a state in which the physiological body cannot internalize any more conflict. Their heart rate increases, their blood rushes to their vital organs, and they are essentially in fight or flight mode. They are in a dominantly physical state of mind. A stonewaller shuts down when their body can no longer handle the pressure. A woman becomes even more frustrated at this development because naturally, women are more expressive creatures. Women can more easily bounce back from conflict, and do not always understand the effect their conflict is having on the male’s physical body. While the woman’s frustration can escalate (usually because she assumes the stonewalling, husband does not care about her plight) the male may sink deeper into his little corner. It is a lose-lose situation.
The “four horsemen” have mercilessly destroyed marriages from couples, both old and young. I do not claim that a single horseman can destroy a marriage, but usually a combination of horsemen. But one must know how to defend against them. One way has been discussed as before. We must not allow our pride to impede our family’s progression. In conflict, we must remind ourselves of the love that we have for our partner. We must not allow emotion to subject us to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
• Turn Towards Each Other, Not Apart
In our busy world our days become even more and more routine. We go to bed at night exhausted just to wake up in the morning and start the day over. We may have days so jam-packed that we do not have time to even deviate. Time from our spouse causes a drift, and eventually, a rift. I do not believe it possible for a relationship to stay constant. It is growing or it is deteriorating. The paces may be fast enough for concern, or it may be indiscernible. I am of the opinion that a relationship should always be growing.
The means by which we do this have mostly been discussed. It is through being considerate of one another. It is taking time out during the week. It is by perfecting “love maps.” Essentially, it is turning towards each other, not the outside world.
Satan knows that the family unit is the most inspired union. It is the most efficient, economically intelligent, and best stronghold designed by God. Satan and his angels desire to tear it apart by any means possible. He has discovered that the most effective way to lead away the hearts of the children of men is to slip a flaxen cord around the neck and slowly add more thin cord until he has them bound and they cannot escape without help (2 Nephi 22:26). The point is that the prisoner is being lead away. Away from what? He is leading them away from anything that the adversary deems virtuous of lovely. It does not have to be strait to an “R” rated movie or the wildest party. Not at first. It could also be something goal worthy and fulfilling. But if it causes the prisoner to refrain from returning from whence he came, it is worth the journey.
If in our marriages, we are prevented from spending the time necessary, or not consecrating our marriages, then Satan laughs. If we are not expressing our love and devotion on a daily basis, if we are not involving our spouse in our lives, if we are not developing our relationship, then we are turning outward towards the rest of the world. We are being lead by the neck and not a pure heart. Even in the midst of hustle and bustle, we must make the time for our spouse and turn inward with our backs facing the world.
• Christ Plays A Central Role In Our Marriage
Lastly, but most importantly, we must never leave the presence of Christ. When we make a covenant, it is between at least two people. One being is a supreme being while the other is a mere mortal. In the case of marriage, we are making a covenant with divinity as well as another person. Again I do not pretend to know what those covenants entail, but I know that covenants are a powerful bond that we will be accountable for. We must never relinquish our relationship with our Savior.
Our relationship with the Savior is based off of faith. I am convinced faith plays a role as a verb and a basis for conviction. If we show conviction in something it causes us to show our conviction, or faith. Having made a step and seeing that the seed is good (Alma 32:30), our faith begins to grow, which in turn causes us to take another step in faith. It is a continuing cycle.
So it is with our relationship with the Savior. We covenant with deity and take a step in the right direction. In turn, we are buoyed up by the promises that the Lord is bound to keep (Doctrine and Covenants 82:10), and then we take another step. In essence we cannot receive true happiness in our marriage without the Savior. He is the one that is uplifting us closer and closer to our eternal destination.
Also, without the Savior, we cannot give what our spouses deserve. We cannot give what we don’t have. If we do not turn our hearts over to the Savior, we are not enabled to receive charity. It is impossible. Charity is a gift and must be sought after through prayer and faith. Only then can we share this gift with our partner.
Our Savior is the ultimate source of truth and light. We are nothing without him. If we heed his words, we will be happier and better off for it. If we do not, we cannot obtain that ultimate end of rue happiness.
Ultimately, the key to a successful marriage is one in which our relationship with our spouse and our Heavenly Father and Savior is welded in love. Love plays a part in our marriage more than any other aspect, and the Plan of Salvation provides the means. In Mathew 22: 40, we learn that all the laws given to us are centered on love of God and love of our neighbor. If we obey those two things, then all others will fall into place.
In marriage, if we truly, sincerely love our spouse then we will find it easier and be more than willing to put into force the skills that have been outlined in this essay. Our love will govern our time, affection, our conflicts, and our desires.
Top Ten Keys of Marriage
By Aubrey Colvin
Firstly, before I share the ten principles of marriage that I believe to be the most beneficial to enable a successful marriage, I must preface my presentation with a brief lecture on charity, or more commonly known as love. With every aspect of marriage love plays an essential factor. It is our supreme motivator, advocate, welding link, and power.
When Christ made the ultimate sacrifice he not only allowed his life to be taken, but he also suffered for our sins. Every pain that we have ever experienced was replayed or produced before they had ever occurred. Because of the atonement’s infinite nature all are encompassed by it. In Tad A. Callister’s, The Infinite Atonement, he expresses that the atonement (in a nutshell) was infinite in time, power, coverage, depth, suffering, and lastly, love. In order to be able to complete the atonement, Christ had to love us with a deep love. We as imperfect beings find it hard to comprehend such a miraculous thing. Though the Savior begged to have the cup pass from him (Matthew 26:39), he knew his role and that our hope depended on him. He had compassion on us and underwent the atoning sacrifice.
Because of this love that he has for us, one can imagine how much He desires for us to be happy and utilize his atonement. This will come up in our discussion later, however I must convey the certainty I feel that Christ wants us to also love our neighbor, or those that he suffered for. The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). We must know that God loves his children and encourages us to do the same. In order to make a marriage work, the important element of love is essential in every aspect. If we truly love someone, we will be able to fulfill the principles of marriage that will be discussed.
• Active Listening
This is a strategy used by many programs and especially marriage councilors. The idea is that while one partner is expressing what she/he is feeling or their concerns, the other partner is listening, and then makes sure they understand what their partner is saying by repeating what they heard until the partner who was talking first verifies that they are getting the right idea. They may use preface these ideas by using phrases such as, “I’m hearing…,” “I’m getting that….,” “So, what you’re saying is….,” etc. Active listeners have been trained to use this technique to improve their marriages because it is a concrete, civil way to negotiate a disagreement.
But in order for active listening to be effective, one must realize that their heart must be in it. If a listener is not sincere, no matter how well their technique is, it will mean nothing to a couple in the long run. A listener who is getting the gist out of a conversation may not internalize that it is a true concern of the other partner, that what they are expressing is a genuine concern that should become their own, or that they should actually do something about it!
If a couple incorporated their love for each other in active listening, the conversation would change dramatically. Instead of begrudgingly listening in order to pass the “test” as to weather they understood what they were being told correctly, they would start to not only understand what was being said, but they would begin to understand their partner. Once this is accomplished, a couple may move forward.
• Validation
Another strategy is validation. When there is a disagreement, couples may be asked to validate each other, or rather their feelings. This is suspending judgment, and accepting one’s partner for who they are even though they may disagree on a particular judgment. It may help a couple understand that they are still a united couple because they can understand one another’s points of views. They are not to be criticized for the way they feel.
Again, if this strategy is merely played out, one cannot receive the desired effect. Validation should not be a means to pass judgment on a partner, but rather, be the mean by which that effect is expressed.
It is hard not to pass judgment on those that do not see things our way. Satan and his followers own the most common rut we find ourselves in. It is the illusion that we see things as they are – better than the rest of the world, including our spouse. This is a mindset that serves as a barrier between our spouse and us. Not only do would we find ourselves disconnected to our spouse, but also God.
• Overcoming Pride
Pride is an enormous contributor to almost every marital conflict. Pride is not liberating, as most will initially believe, but it is captivating. It works against us in all relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. Going along with our previous topic, we find that pride condemns us to thinking that all our own ideas are superior to our spouse’s. This will ultimately, conspicuously end in conflict.
Ezra Taft Benson defined pride as enmity. Enmity towards God and our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” Those are some strong words. Is he suggesting that anytime we feel rebellious, hard-hearted, unrepentant, or easily offended we are being proud? Of course! Pride takes many forms and is more around us than we may realize from day to day. It will take a lot of practice to be able to identify pride from day to day. But one thing is constant that we know: pride is always a sin.
In our marriages we must know that if there is conflict or opposition, pride, or enmity, is involved. In that moment where the natural man is working against us, physically as well as emotionally, we do not always have the eternal perspective to see that pride is working against us, not in favor of us, and that it is inhibiting our progress in our quest for eternal life and successful marriages. Darkness cannot coincide with light. Pride cannot coincide with true compromise and harmony in our marriages.
• Change from Within
Though it is natural to have pride, this does not exempt us from hope. We know that change, or repentance is possible. In our marriages we must realize that we cannot and should not try to change our partner, but we can only change and focus on ourselves.
Again, love becomes an imperative factor on this matter. Love can motivate us to change for the benefit of our partner. If was are truly actively listening and validating in love as opposed to merely duty, as mentioned before, we will find ourselves trying to change our nature to better facilitate the rectification of conflict.
Change is caused by principles of the gospel. It is our change from within, or the changing of our hearts that compel the changing of our outside behaviors. Boyd K. Packer once said, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.” If we practice good behaviors out of obligation alone, and not out of the desire of our hearts, it will mean next to nothing in our marriage. It will become a façade, mocking the divine relationship God intended us to have. But rather, when we turn our lives over to God, he will inspire us to utilize the atonement in our lives and repentance, or change, will take place. Emerson once said, “The only gift is a portion of thyself.” The greatest gift we can ever give our spouse, or the only gift we can give back to the Savior, is our hearts turned towards the right source of power.
• Sacrifice
One of the best demonstrations of love is sacrifice. Not only do we sacrifice our nature to God to better improve our marriage, but also we must sacrifice our time. The definition of sacrifice is to give up something for something greater or better. This means that though we really want to satisfy our wants and desires, we must put our partner’s wants and desires ahead of our own. Now, one might look at this and say, “Wow. That is a huge risk. Don’t my dreams matter? Don’t my needs and desires count for something?” The answer is of course. There needs to be a balance in one’s life in order to maintain stability and order. I submit that dreams and desires, in a marriage, should be focused on the other partner. This will actually bring happiness. Catherine Thomas once said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.”
There are many ways to sacrifice time and effort so as to let a spouse know that we love them. John M. Gottman lists an idea in his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” John Gottman has studies many couples for years and come up with his own theories as to what makes marriage work and what doesn’t by observation and then took his theories to develop his own counseling strategies. He began to notice from couples who entered his workshops that marriages that functioned healthily had something in common. They were devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. That doesn’t seem like a lot, right? But it was a consistent pattern in marriages. Here are the things the five hours included:
- During partings (in the morning usually before work) couples learned about one thing that was happening in their spouse’s life that day
- When the couple was reunited they engaged in stress-relieving conversation (usually at the end of a workday)
- Everyday the couples found some way to communicate admiration and appreciation to their spouse (VERY important)
- Couples found ways everyday to show their affection and in that affection not hold back love due to irritations built up over the day
- A weekly date was planned that allowed the couple’s time together be spent building their connection. The stress of the week is laid aside, and the couple is able to turn towards each other.
This may not seem like a lot, and thinking in terms of time consumption it may not be, but it makes a difference. Just a little amount of time dedicated to a loved one makes all the difference. It shows little by little, but more importantly, consistently that the spouse one loves so dearly is cared about and loved.
In a marriage we are taught to obey a celestial law. Ezra Taft Benson said, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on the earth and the establishment of Zion.” We know that Zion is built on eternal principles. Therefore we know that the law of consecration must be a part of our lives in the little Zion that we create in our families. I have not been through the temple, and do not claim to fully understand the covenants made within, but I do know that the joining of two people within those walls is the creating of on entity. What is mine becomes my spouse’s and what is my spouse’s becomes mine. This includes everything. Our dreams become each other’s dreams. Our hopes become each other’s hopes. Our desires become one. Of course this is not easy. There is the unmistakable possibility of conflict, and that is where consecration comes in. We must both learn to take it all and lay it on the alter. If there is some petty habit that comes between my husband and me it must be done away with. If there is something that frustrates me and is causing me to question my spouse’s divine nature, it must be done away with. Just as the Lamanite king in the Book of Mormon desired to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), so must I give away all factors that damage a marriage to know the godliness of my spouse’s soul.
One might think that this is asking too much of one person. But remember that sacrifice is the giving up of one thing for the greater benefit. One will be happier for merely the opportunity to sacrifice. Joseph Smith once said, “A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation…” Remember that marriage plays an essential role in our salvation. Let us have faith in the covenants we have made. Because of our sacrifices, our marriage will benefit far greater than what the sacrifices cost us. Our faith will grow in the celestial covenant we made.
- Do Not Focus On Negativity
Sometimes when you are the person that knows another person the best you get the best of both worlds. You know their strengths better than anyone else, and on the flip side, you know their weaknesses better than anyone else. It is easy to slip into a pattern of negative concern when one has the option of the two.
One might think that they have unlocked the truth about their spouse. “The rest of the world views them as this wonderful person, but I know what they are really like,” one might say. One need only realize that, as with anything, there is opposition in all things and that it is a matter of choice as to weather to focus on the negative qualities of a spouse or to focus on their good qualities. As a spouse, we can undoubtedly assume that we know our wife or husband in a way know one else does. We know tenderness that could be shielded from the rest of the world. We know acts of kindness and service that no other being has witnessed. It may be that our spouse is a hard worker that they never receive credit for. These are the things that need are attention and gratitude.
One of my favorite optimists was President Gordon B. Hinckley. He once said, “Be happy in all that which you do – cultivate a spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk one to another. Let the light of the gospel shine in your faces wherever you go and in whatever you do.” In this excerpt I can’t help but notice words that induce action. He says cultivate, subdue, and overcome. A good attitude is one that facilitates these actions, but does not bring them about in of itself. One must act for one’s self. Adversity will never completely be absent, but if one is able to focus on the positives, it will make the process that much easier.
- Love Maps
One way to look at one’s spouse positively is to build love maps. This is also a strategy used by Gottman. He says that love maps are “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” This is where you explore the things in their day-to-day life, where you store their favorites color, food, and activity. This is where you know when they have a bad day and how to best help them bounce back.
In one of my favorite movies, Fireproof, the characters Michael Simmons and Caleb Holt discuss the “Love Dare” that Caleb’s father has presented to him in hopes that he save his marriage. Caleb reads from the “Love Dare” Book that one must study their partner. While a couple dates, their objective is to get to know one another as much as possible, but once married, sometimes they do not keep up with one another’s lives and do not continue to study one another. The idea the “Love Dare” was presenting was to continue one’s education. If one had earned a high school diploma on their spouse, then they should continue until earning a bachelor degree, followed by a masters, and so on.
Gottman notes in his book that from knowledge of our spouse’s love maps not only springs forth love, but stability when couples face storms. They know what makes each other tick and utilize that knowledge to strengthen their marriage. When hard times hit husbands and wives who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other is thinking and feeling are not taken off course.
- Recognizing the Four Horsemen and Avoiding Them
Also researched by Gottman is the concept of the “four horsemen” that ride to plunder and destroy marriages in the wake of complacency. These horsemen all have one thing in common: they are all manifestations of pride. They show up in conflict and are a common predictor of divorce in the studies of Gottman. They are identified as:
- Criticism
This is easily discerned in an argument when one spouse attacks the other spouse, as opposed to the issue at hand. Say one spouse forgets to take out the trash and the other complains by saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I am sick of always having to nag you to take out the trash!” This is not a complaint about trash anymore, but a complaint against the person who has not taken out the trash.
- Contempt
Contempt is identified, by Gottman, as the worst of the four horsemen. Contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor, or anything that portrays disgust. It is the most dangerous because it leads to more conflict. Can one take their partner seriously, if they are fighting back with an artillery of snide remarks?
- Defensiveness
Defensiveness may be one of the most natural responses in a conflict. But like contempt and criticism, it does not help resolve conflict. If one has been told that they should pick up their socks once in a while, and defends their reasons for not picking up their socks, it can easily turn into a fight of who is right and who is wrong. It no longer is a safe session in which a spouse can explain their frustrations, but one in which they feel like they have to tiptoe around just to keep the peace. This can lead to built-up resentment that will not rest until it comes out in a colossal explosion.
- Stonewalling
This example is frustrating to both husband and wife simultaneously. This is most common among men, but can be found in women as well. Stonewalling is where in the face of conflict, a partner disengages completely from the conversation. They can either stonewall by turning away from their partner, walking away, or pretending to be interested in something completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. They do not offer the casual feedback that one would give if they were listening. It is as if a section of their brain has completely shut down. A “stonewaller” is most likely flooded. Flooded is a state in which the physiological body cannot internalize any more conflict. Their heart rate increases, their blood rushes to their vital organs, and they are essentially in fight or flight mode. They are in a dominantly physical state of mind. A stonewaller shuts down when their body can no longer handle the pressure. A woman becomes even more frustrated at this development because naturally, women are more expressive creatures. Women can more easily bounce back from conflict, and do not always understand the effect their conflict is having on the male’s physical body. While the woman’s frustration can escalate (usually because she assumes the stonewalling, husband does not care about her plight) the male may sink deeper into his little corner. It is a lose-lose situation.
The “four horsemen” have mercilessly destroyed marriages from couples, both old and young. I do not claim that a single horseman can destroy a marriage, but usually a combination of horsemen. But one must know how to defend against them. One way has been discussed as before. We must not allow our pride to impede our family’s progression. In conflict, we must remind ourselves of the love that we have for our partner. We must not allow emotion to subject us to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
• Turn Towards Each Other, Not Apart
In our busy world our days become even more and more routine. We go to bed at night exhausted just to wake up in the morning and start the day over. We may have days so jam-packed that we do not have time to even deviate. Time from our spouse causes a drift, and eventually, a rift. I do not believe it possible for a relationship to stay constant. It is growing or it is deteriorating. The paces may be fast enough for concern, or it may be indiscernible. I am of the opinion that a relationship should always be growing.
The means by which we do this have mostly been discussed. It is through being considerate of one another. It is taking time out during the week. It is by perfecting “love maps.” Essentially, it is turning towards each other, not the outside world.
Satan knows that the family unit is the most inspired union. It is the most efficient, economically intelligent, and best stronghold designed by God. Satan and his angels desire to tear it apart by any means possible. He has discovered that the most effective way to lead away the hearts of the children of men is to slip a flaxen cord around the neck and slowly add more thin cord until he has them bound and they cannot escape without help (2 Nephi 22:26). The point is that the prisoner is being lead away. Away from what? He is leading them away from anything that the adversary deems virtuous of lovely. It does not have to be strait to an “R” rated movie or the wildest party. Not at first. It could also be something goal worthy and fulfilling. But if it causes the prisoner to refrain from returning from whence he came, it is worth the journey.
If in our marriages, we are prevented from spending the time necessary, or not consecrating our marriages, then Satan laughs. If we are not expressing our love and devotion on a daily basis, if we are not involving our spouse in our lives, if we are not developing our relationship, then we are turning outward towards the rest of the world. We are being lead by the neck and not a pure heart. Even in the midst of hustle and bustle, we must make the time for our spouse and turn inward with our backs facing the world.
• Christ Plays A Central Role In Our Marriage
Lastly, but most importantly, we must never leave the presence of Christ. When we make a covenant, it is between at least two people. One being is a supreme being while the other is a mere mortal. In the case of marriage, we are making a covenant with divinity as well as another person. Again I do not pretend to know what those covenants entail, but I know that covenants are a powerful bond that we will be accountable for. We must never relinquish our relationship with our Savior.
Our relationship with the Savior is based off of faith. I am convinced faith plays a role as a verb and a basis for conviction. If we show conviction in something it causes us to show our conviction, or faith. Having made a step and seeing that the seed is good (Alma 32:30), our faith begins to grow, which in turn causes us to take another step in faith. It is a continuing cycle.
So it is with our relationship with the Savior. We covenant with deity and take a step in the right direction. In turn, we are buoyed up by the promises that the Lord is bound to keep (Doctrine and Covenants 82:10), and then we take another step. In essence we cannot receive true happiness in our marriage without the Savior. He is the one that is uplifting us closer and closer to our eternal destination.
Also, without the Savior, we cannot give what our spouses deserve. We cannot give what we don’t have. If we do not turn our hearts over to the Savior, we are not enabled to receive charity. It is impossible. Charity is a gift and must be sought after through prayer and faith. Only then can we share this gift with our partner.
Our Savior is the ultimate source of truth and light. We are nothing without him. If we heed his words, we will be happier and better off for it. If we do not, we cannot obtain that ultimate end of rue happiness.
Ultimately, the key to a successful marriage is one in which our relationship with our spouse and our Heavenly Father and Savior is welded in love. Love plays a part in our marriage more than any other aspect, and the Plan of Salvation provides the means. In Mathew 22: 40, we learn that all the laws given to us are centered on love of God and love of our neighbor. If we obey those two things, then all others will fall into place.
In marriage, if we truly, sincerely love our spouse then we will find it easier and be more than willing to put into force the skills that have been outlined in this essay. Our love will govern our time, affection, our conflicts, and our desires.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Let Freedom Ring
K, so I'm a day late, but better late than never, right? For the 4th of July my fiance and I finally got a date in! We've been so busy with wedding plans and school, with finals coming up and everything, that we haven't had the chance to have a real, fun date. I really wanted to visit some of my family who were going to be only a few hours away during the holiday, but circumstances wouldn't permit it, so we took advantage of the holiday and the little bit of time we had together. On Saturday we had a double date! We went to a firework show. The idea was, first of all, supposed to be a surprise, but my fiance can't seem to keep anything from me :) so I did know about it. Second of all, it didn't go exactly as planned. The idea was to watch the show from this little island that we were going to ferry out to. But the problem was, there was so much traffic, that we couldn't even get to park near the water. Traffic was the worst I have ever seen it, and I'm from the city! People were parking on the lawns, medians, you name it. The whole city seemed to be of the opinion that anything goes! I guess this is supposed to be the biggest Fourth of July show west of the Mississippi. So we ended up on some lawn and got out our little mini barbecue and made some hamburgers and hot dogs. Yum! We set up lawn chairs and blankets and got all ready. The other couple and I got caught up before the show, and the show was awesome to watch! We sorta got lost on the way home, due to congested traffic, but all in all, it was a great night.
Then, of course on the Fourth, it was a fast and testimony meeting. Many people, as expected, bore their testimonies on their gratitude for freedom and the ability to worship how they may. There seemed to be a theme of gratitude for much more than just freedom, but all the tender mercies the Lord pours out on this nation. Truly, the Lord gives us many, many blessings. I think too often we focus on everything that is going wrong in this country and forget all the blessing we have. We have it so good! I have no doubt that the founding fathers were inspired and had the right principles and ideals in mind when they set up our government, but people only abuse the law and the spirit of it. In truth, I am proud to be an American. There are many good hearts and many great blessings. We need only compare our personal circumstances to other nations to see that. They don't share the same privileges we have.
Now I am definitely off the topic I wanted to share. I have been thinking about freedom and liberty and what that means in a gospel perspective.
Agency, as defined in True to the Faith, is "the ability to choose and to act for yourself." We know that in the premortal life we had the ability to choose between our Heavenly Father's plan or Satan's plan. "[Our} presence on this earth confirms that [we] exercised [our] agency to follow Heavenly Father's plan." (True to the Faith, 12.)
I am not sure how, but in scripture it talks of agency being a gift from God. I do not understand this fully and how this would relate to our existence as intelligences before we became spirit children (Abraham 3:22). But as I have been studying this topic I have come to conclude (and this is not something I would teach in Sunday school or over the pulpit until I understood it more plainly or heard this from a general authority) that there are two types of agency. One is your basic all-encompassing agency, and the second is moral agency which is contingent on a few factors that God has given us (thus, I wonder if the gift of agency is actually the gift of moral agency, and our ability to choose isn't necessarily given to us, but allowed to continue because God is all powerful and allows us to have our agency to bring to pass his great and marvelous work [Moses 1:39]. And then again, that is why I wouldn't teach this in a church setting). In order to have moral agency, it seems as if two things have to happen: One, we need to have opposition, which started with Adam and Eve when they fell, which was in accordance with God's Plan of Salvation. There has to be right choices and wrong choices, sin and righteousness, good and evil. "Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other" (2 Nephi 2:16). The second is that we must have access to intelligence and the light of truth (D&C 93: 29-32). May I submit that the means by which we have access to intelligence is the Light of Christ (for he said "I am the Spirit of truth" [D&C 93:26]), which helps us discern between right and wrong.
Because of this moral agency, we become agents unto ourselves (D&C 58:28). In essence, we choose who we become. We do not choose the consequences of our actions, but we choose what kinds of consequences we will have by our actions, weather in this life, or the life to come. "Choices of good and righteousness lead to happiness, peace, and eternal life, while choices of sin and evil eventually lead to heartache and misery" (True to the Faith, 12). Consequently, we are responsible for ourselves, or rather accountable. "That every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according too the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment" (D&C 101:78).
Because of the perfect Plan of Salvation, we have the freedom to choose where we will ultimately end up. "And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Ne 2:27). If we choose righteously, then not only are we free, but we have LIBERTY. Righteous actions allow us to have more choice and more expansion of ability and growth, where unrighteous actions allow condemnation, or a limited expansion of ability and growth. But ultimately, the choice is ours.
With the Light of Christ, we are never alone in this endeavor. And in addition, as latter-day-saints we have the blessings and gift of the Holy Ghost. This gift allows us to be truly converted to Christ and the laws of heaven, and furthers our ability to reach our full potential. It expands our horizons so that we do not have to be commanded in all things, but use our agency to improve our talents. We can do things of our own free will and bring to pass much righteousness (D&C 58:27).
Then, of course on the Fourth, it was a fast and testimony meeting. Many people, as expected, bore their testimonies on their gratitude for freedom and the ability to worship how they may. There seemed to be a theme of gratitude for much more than just freedom, but all the tender mercies the Lord pours out on this nation. Truly, the Lord gives us many, many blessings. I think too often we focus on everything that is going wrong in this country and forget all the blessing we have. We have it so good! I have no doubt that the founding fathers were inspired and had the right principles and ideals in mind when they set up our government, but people only abuse the law and the spirit of it. In truth, I am proud to be an American. There are many good hearts and many great blessings. We need only compare our personal circumstances to other nations to see that. They don't share the same privileges we have.
Now I am definitely off the topic I wanted to share. I have been thinking about freedom and liberty and what that means in a gospel perspective.
Agency, as defined in True to the Faith, is "the ability to choose and to act for yourself." We know that in the premortal life we had the ability to choose between our Heavenly Father's plan or Satan's plan. "[Our} presence on this earth confirms that [we] exercised [our] agency to follow Heavenly Father's plan." (True to the Faith, 12.)
I am not sure how, but in scripture it talks of agency being a gift from God. I do not understand this fully and how this would relate to our existence as intelligences before we became spirit children (Abraham 3:22). But as I have been studying this topic I have come to conclude (and this is not something I would teach in Sunday school or over the pulpit until I understood it more plainly or heard this from a general authority) that there are two types of agency. One is your basic all-encompassing agency, and the second is moral agency which is contingent on a few factors that God has given us (thus, I wonder if the gift of agency is actually the gift of moral agency, and our ability to choose isn't necessarily given to us, but allowed to continue because God is all powerful and allows us to have our agency to bring to pass his great and marvelous work [Moses 1:39]. And then again, that is why I wouldn't teach this in a church setting). In order to have moral agency, it seems as if two things have to happen: One, we need to have opposition, which started with Adam and Eve when they fell, which was in accordance with God's Plan of Salvation. There has to be right choices and wrong choices, sin and righteousness, good and evil. "Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other" (2 Nephi 2:16). The second is that we must have access to intelligence and the light of truth (D&C 93: 29-32). May I submit that the means by which we have access to intelligence is the Light of Christ (for he said "I am the Spirit of truth" [D&C 93:26]), which helps us discern between right and wrong.
Because of this moral agency, we become agents unto ourselves (D&C 58:28). In essence, we choose who we become. We do not choose the consequences of our actions, but we choose what kinds of consequences we will have by our actions, weather in this life, or the life to come. "Choices of good and righteousness lead to happiness, peace, and eternal life, while choices of sin and evil eventually lead to heartache and misery" (True to the Faith, 12). Consequently, we are responsible for ourselves, or rather accountable. "That every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according too the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment" (D&C 101:78).
Because of the perfect Plan of Salvation, we have the freedom to choose where we will ultimately end up. "And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Ne 2:27). If we choose righteously, then not only are we free, but we have LIBERTY. Righteous actions allow us to have more choice and more expansion of ability and growth, where unrighteous actions allow condemnation, or a limited expansion of ability and growth. But ultimately, the choice is ours.
With the Light of Christ, we are never alone in this endeavor. And in addition, as latter-day-saints we have the blessings and gift of the Holy Ghost. This gift allows us to be truly converted to Christ and the laws of heaven, and furthers our ability to reach our full potential. It expands our horizons so that we do not have to be commanded in all things, but use our agency to improve our talents. We can do things of our own free will and bring to pass much righteousness (D&C 58:27).
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Seek Ye Learning by Faith
So, as you may know, I have taken a job at the university where I teach, what is is called, "musicianship." The university, let me tell ya, is all about change. This class is actually fairly new (it used to be two separate classes), and the teachers have just about got their curriculum in check. They have written everything up that needs to be written, and a schedule that fits to the semester. They are just getting to the point where they don't have to worry about how they will fulfill their objectives in the class in regards to the curriculum they have decided to follow, but they can now take it to the next level and wonder how they can best teach what they want to teach.
I meet with these teachers about once a week (I do get paid for the interview...he he) and we almost always end up in a philosophical discussion. One teacher has been teaching for 50 years + and the other is in my generation, but extremely intelligent and is dedicated to what he does. At first, in these meetings I would be a little timid. I didn't want to say something that would offend either one of them and my job security would plummet. But as time has gone on, I've noticed they value our opinion because we are students who have been in our student's shoes. They seem to trust us and our opinion as we have the common goals to make our class the most beneficial we can for the students. It is quite fascinating.
The other day we were in one of these discussions. Fuming, the older teacher expressed his frustration at students who are attending college as a means to an end. They want to get by, they just want to pass for the slip of paper that will ensure them a job after they graduate. Pretty understandable, right? I mean, that is why we go to college, right? But his qualm was that students no longer desired and thirsted for knowledge. Rather, when he introduced a new topic, they would squirm and complain, and challenge his right to be teaching them things that they might not see on a test because it would not be "productive" and a "waste of time." I may have elaborated on the subject a little bit, but this is the general attitude I notice from the peers around me. They "hem and haw" and really just want professors to give them the grade. They want everything on a silver platter. "Just give me the grade I deserve based off of the effort I put into this class!" seems to be the complacent cry, even if they have not gained a true understanding of the material. They have put in effort. Effort to complete assignments, to memorize what might be on the tests, but they do not wish to internalize the skills, or what they are learning.
This was the teacher's complaint and I and the other mentor with us, could not help but agree. The teacher pointed out that our generation has seemed to forget what hard work was.
This ushered in a hour of discussion. My take on it was/is this:
My generation has grown up with everything at our fingertips. We have entertainment readily available, we know there are tools we can find a mouse-click away, we know that knowledge is readily available for finding in a time of need, there our friends that are a phone call/text away, we know the whereabouts of our family members all the time and know they can come rushing to our aid, we have stores that are just minutes away, and we have always had the ability to be educated because our society makes it so readily available to us. Everything is easy. We don't have to work hard. We have been taught that as long as we get an acceptable grade in our studies we will be given what we want. It boarders on Aldous Huxley's A Brave New World in that "people are happy; they get what they want." True, people may be temporarily happy, but they may not see things as they are and are to come(D&C 93:24). It is hard to see a life outside of college where the knowledge we gain will be useful and for our benefit, but how will we implement what we have been taught if we actually didn't learn the material?
But what if college didn't give us a degree or knowledge to aid us in job prospects? Is it still worth our time? (Yeah, dumb question) In D&C 88:118 we are encouraged to seek words of wisdom from one another and out of the best books. We also learn that what we have done in this life, the knowledge we have gained and the character we have built, will be the thing that will remain with us in the next life. President Gorden B. Hinckley once said, "The mind of man is the crowning creation of God, in whose express image man was made. The development of the mind is a companion responsibility to the cultivation of the spirit, as set forth in the revealed principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ." (see D&C 93:36) The whole purpose of this life is to be tried and tested. We are failing our final exam if we have not studied for our test! How can we expect to be like God if we don't strive to make our mind like his?
In 2 Nephi 2 we learn that because we are redeemed from the fall of Adam we are free. Free to act, and not to be acted upon (vs 26). If we don't take this freedom we have been given, this gift that was paid for by our Savior, we are being selfish and ungrateful. It is as if we reject Him and His sacrifice. Let us continually strive to improve ourselves. Stand a little taller.
The ability we have to learn is given us, but the means by which we are able to learn is also a gift to our generation in this day and age. We have been given limitless resources! Libraries! The Internet! Those who have gone before us! Indeed we have been blessed. Indeed, you may say that we have a duty to our children, in consequence of our having so many opportunities, to seek learning.
But how do we seek learning? We are admonished to seek learning "even by study and also by faith." In my life I have come to learn for myself that faith is a verb. It required action, and in doing so, our faith grows. It is a continued cycle.We believe and hope, take action, and gain even more reason to believe and hope. So it is with our ambition to learn. We must proceed in faith and with purpose. We must be careful of the source of our learning. Resulting from so many sources of knowledge, we know that there are sources designed specifically to deceive. We can always be assured that the spirit will never lie, for it "speaketh truth and lieth not...and these things are manifested unto us plainly" (Jacob 4:13).
I know that this maybe a struggle to many, but I can sincerely say that I as I have put these things into practice, my eyes have been opened. I love to learn! I receive great joy as I become the pupil of the Spirit. It is a struggle but certainly worth it! I have come to enjoy learning for learning and to sit "pondering in mine heart" the things I am taught my heart swells with gratitude and a sense of well-being. I've thought about these things as I have been teaching, and I decided to read all my students a cute little poem:
The Thrill of Acheivement
There is no thrill in easy sailing,
Where skies are clear and blue;
There's no joy in merely doing
Things which anyone can do.
But there is great satisfaction
That is very sweet to take,
When you reach a destination
That was really tough to make.
I know we are Never Alone in our endeavors. Especially when they are Christ-like and we are seeking the help of the one who wants us to come unto Him. Back to Huxley's Brave New World. When the character, Savage, confronts the "commander" in the book, they argue about which life style is better. Is the life where everything is easy and given to us the most desirable, or is the lifestyle that sees struggle worth living? "Actual happiness [otherwise known as pleasure] always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, non of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness [or pleasure, which does not shine to TRUE happiness] is never grand."
Learning may be hard, but it is so real and worth the effort in contrast to one who goes through the mere motions of learning.
I meet with these teachers about once a week (I do get paid for the interview...he he) and we almost always end up in a philosophical discussion. One teacher has been teaching for 50 years + and the other is in my generation, but extremely intelligent and is dedicated to what he does. At first, in these meetings I would be a little timid. I didn't want to say something that would offend either one of them and my job security would plummet. But as time has gone on, I've noticed they value our opinion because we are students who have been in our student's shoes. They seem to trust us and our opinion as we have the common goals to make our class the most beneficial we can for the students. It is quite fascinating.
The other day we were in one of these discussions. Fuming, the older teacher expressed his frustration at students who are attending college as a means to an end. They want to get by, they just want to pass for the slip of paper that will ensure them a job after they graduate. Pretty understandable, right? I mean, that is why we go to college, right? But his qualm was that students no longer desired and thirsted for knowledge. Rather, when he introduced a new topic, they would squirm and complain, and challenge his right to be teaching them things that they might not see on a test because it would not be "productive" and a "waste of time." I may have elaborated on the subject a little bit, but this is the general attitude I notice from the peers around me. They "hem and haw" and really just want professors to give them the grade. They want everything on a silver platter. "Just give me the grade I deserve based off of the effort I put into this class!" seems to be the complacent cry, even if they have not gained a true understanding of the material. They have put in effort. Effort to complete assignments, to memorize what might be on the tests, but they do not wish to internalize the skills, or what they are learning.
This was the teacher's complaint and I and the other mentor with us, could not help but agree. The teacher pointed out that our generation has seemed to forget what hard work was.
This ushered in a hour of discussion. My take on it was/is this:
My generation has grown up with everything at our fingertips. We have entertainment readily available, we know there are tools we can find a mouse-click away, we know that knowledge is readily available for finding in a time of need, there our friends that are a phone call/text away, we know the whereabouts of our family members all the time and know they can come rushing to our aid, we have stores that are just minutes away, and we have always had the ability to be educated because our society makes it so readily available to us. Everything is easy. We don't have to work hard. We have been taught that as long as we get an acceptable grade in our studies we will be given what we want. It boarders on Aldous Huxley's A Brave New World in that "people are happy; they get what they want." True, people may be temporarily happy, but they may not see things as they are and are to come(D&C 93:24). It is hard to see a life outside of college where the knowledge we gain will be useful and for our benefit, but how will we implement what we have been taught if we actually didn't learn the material?
But what if college didn't give us a degree or knowledge to aid us in job prospects? Is it still worth our time? (Yeah, dumb question) In D&C 88:118 we are encouraged to seek words of wisdom from one another and out of the best books. We also learn that what we have done in this life, the knowledge we have gained and the character we have built, will be the thing that will remain with us in the next life. President Gorden B. Hinckley once said, "The mind of man is the crowning creation of God, in whose express image man was made. The development of the mind is a companion responsibility to the cultivation of the spirit, as set forth in the revealed principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ." (see D&C 93:36) The whole purpose of this life is to be tried and tested. We are failing our final exam if we have not studied for our test! How can we expect to be like God if we don't strive to make our mind like his?
In 2 Nephi 2 we learn that because we are redeemed from the fall of Adam we are free. Free to act, and not to be acted upon (vs 26). If we don't take this freedom we have been given, this gift that was paid for by our Savior, we are being selfish and ungrateful. It is as if we reject Him and His sacrifice. Let us continually strive to improve ourselves. Stand a little taller.
The ability we have to learn is given us, but the means by which we are able to learn is also a gift to our generation in this day and age. We have been given limitless resources! Libraries! The Internet! Those who have gone before us! Indeed we have been blessed. Indeed, you may say that we have a duty to our children, in consequence of our having so many opportunities, to seek learning.
But how do we seek learning? We are admonished to seek learning "even by study and also by faith." In my life I have come to learn for myself that faith is a verb. It required action, and in doing so, our faith grows. It is a continued cycle.We believe and hope, take action, and gain even more reason to believe and hope. So it is with our ambition to learn. We must proceed in faith and with purpose. We must be careful of the source of our learning. Resulting from so many sources of knowledge, we know that there are sources designed specifically to deceive. We can always be assured that the spirit will never lie, for it "speaketh truth and lieth not...and these things are manifested unto us plainly" (Jacob 4:13).
I know that this maybe a struggle to many, but I can sincerely say that I as I have put these things into practice, my eyes have been opened. I love to learn! I receive great joy as I become the pupil of the Spirit. It is a struggle but certainly worth it! I have come to enjoy learning for learning and to sit "pondering in mine heart" the things I am taught my heart swells with gratitude and a sense of well-being. I've thought about these things as I have been teaching, and I decided to read all my students a cute little poem:
The Thrill of Acheivement
There is no thrill in easy sailing,
Where skies are clear and blue;
There's no joy in merely doing
Things which anyone can do.
But there is great satisfaction
That is very sweet to take,
When you reach a destination
That was really tough to make.
I know we are Never Alone in our endeavors. Especially when they are Christ-like and we are seeking the help of the one who wants us to come unto Him. Back to Huxley's Brave New World. When the character, Savage, confronts the "commander" in the book, they argue about which life style is better. Is the life where everything is easy and given to us the most desirable, or is the lifestyle that sees struggle worth living? "Actual happiness [otherwise known as pleasure] always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, non of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness [or pleasure, which does not shine to TRUE happiness] is never grand."
Learning may be hard, but it is so real and worth the effort in contrast to one who goes through the mere motions of learning.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Engagement Story
So, this blog is actually very late, but better late than never, right?
So, I'm engaged to be married. To me, this is still a very strange reality. My whole philosophy is that I can't imagine what it will be like to be married since I've never experienced it. I just have to take it one step at a time. I've been talking to some girls up at school and they say that they never really to used to the idea until they were actually in the temple. So, it is a little scary, but I know I'm not alone in it.
About a month ago, he and I took a trip to my home town, to our Grandparents' houses and his married siblings' houses. It took up our whole break, but it was a blast.
We visited my family first, right after my mom helped me move. (It was very kind of her, by the way.) We spent a few days there before he asked my Dad for my hand. At this point it was like I thought I wanted to marry him, but I wasn't all there yet. I wanted to see how I felt being with him in my backyard. Where I had my roots. For some reason, it was all very natural. It was like he belonged there. My mom sorta assisted in his being able to ask my Dad as she planned out a time that would be best and for us to be out of the way. :-)
Then he and I flew out and visited other family. It was also good because I saw many different sides of him, but they were all nothing I hadn't known before. So I was gaining confidence in the decision I was about to make.
While at one of his brother's houses I had a special experience. It was after we had said good night and had a long day together. (By the way, after spending a week with someone 24/7 you could easily get tired of them, right? For us, not at all. It was still hard to say good night even though we knew that we would see each other first thing in the morning.)I was in the front room all by myself just pondering. You know how the spirit can teach you things you already know? Like you understand a concept, but it doesn't quite hit you until the spirit seems to shout at you in its still small voice, penetrating your soul? It was one of those things. I began a conversation between myself and this special Spirit. It went something like this:
"Well, Aubrey you know one of two things is going to have to happen. You are either gonna bump him, or marry him. And it is going to be fairly soon."
Pretty simple concept, right? I knew this, but I guess I needed an extra push. It really did make the situation that much more real.
I thought to myself, "Wow, what would it be like to break up with him?" As this thought struck me I began to cry. haha. Right in the middle of a living room that I had only stayed in for a few nights. It struck me, that it pained my heart to the very center. I could not imagine that heart ache becoming very real.
It brought me back to a moment in the temple I had when we were first dating. I siad, "Heavenly Father," as I glanced over at my boyfriend at the time while he had his head bowed in fervent prayer. "Even if things don't work out between me and [my boyfriend], I want to thank you for letting me know such a man." At that moment it was either the spirit or my own emotion, but I began to cry then too.
In the middle of that living room I began to realize something. Even at that young stage of our relationship our love was deep and it had been growing since. I thought I knew I wanted to marry him for some time and had been entertaining and pondering the thought, but had not the resolve to consent to marriage.
I realized that for the longest time I had been asking the wrong question. "What should I do? What would thou have me do?" had been my incessant plea. In my classes I had been learning that in the case of marriage and most other situations we are to ponder it out in our hearts, have some conclusion in mind, and then ask the Lord if it be right. Of course I knew this, but was not ready to make any kind of decision. That night I discovered what I wanted. I knelt down and asked. "Lord, I think that [my boyfriend] and I want to be sealed in thy Holy House for time and eternity. Would this be sanctified by thy Spirit? Do you approve of this decision?" I got a surge of warmth well up in my chest and my eyes filled with tears. That was all I needed! Now I could move forward without fear. God was on my side and had given me an answer. I thanked him with as much gratitude as I could muster.
Fast forward a week. On Valentine's Day I had played him a song I had written to tell him how I felt. It was rather cute, if I say so myself! But it had ended poorly and didn't quite resolve. So I finished the song, saying yes, and played it for him in the temple parking lot. Cheesy, I know, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He was so touched at what I was doing (not necessarily the song..grr...haha) that his eyes filled with tears, but he's like my Dad and did not shed them. But we had a good moment enjoying each other and the reality of the situation. It was there we shared our and my first kiss. (He asked of course...)
Well, he had already been planning a way to ask me to marry him for some time, so just a little while later he insisted we go fishing. It was a Thursday, and I knew the ring we had been looking at wasn't in yet, so I was clueless as to what was happening. It was a school night, and I knew it would be cold, so I didn't want to go, but he insisted that it was going to snow soon and that we had to go now as opposed to the weekend. I consentedd to go for a half-hour only. Little did I know, that I would not be getting back to my homework until much later that night.
So we drove out to this river/creek-looking thing. The whole way there he was talking to his roommate in computer language. He deals with computers all the time, so I didn't think much of it. He said he had enlisted the help of his roommate and a friend in assisting him to fix a server for an apartment complex. This all seemed very normal to me, and so I didn't think much of it.
We arrived at the place and he fixed up a fishing rod for me, instructing me to cast for a while to see if I could get anything while he started running up and down the bank. He said he was looking for big fish at the surface. I thought, "What in the world? Big fish would not be at the top of the surface...but oh well! You are the expert!" What I didn't know was that he was frantically searching for a particular chest that his roommate, under his instruction, had placed in the water fifteen minutes prior to our coming. Inside this chest was a sealed jewelry/music box with a "pre-engagement" ring inside. This chest was fashioned to have a lot of fishing line around it in order to facilitate a hook snagging on it. It was also supposed to have a bobber attached to it. However, the bobber had sunk with the chest. All of a sudden his room mate shows up, and I get informed that there had been some complications to this special trip. Haha. It was the thought that counted. To make a long story short, his roommate had to point out the exact spot of the chest and we had to get it out by pulling at the safety line that had been tied to the bank. Not a bad way to go. The chest had been wrapped around with chains and locks. His roommate had to find the bottle that had also been carefully stowed away with a key in it to the locks and a note that [my boyfriend] had written. It was about "treasures"and it all related to life and our future. It was very sweet. Then I opened the locks to the chest and saw within the small box with a bunch of "treasures": coins, bracelets, and such. Then I opened the small box and it played music. (It was also supposed to light up...haha...but it was a little water logged.) So that is the cute story!
I didn't know this before the event. I was completely clueless, though I thought he had been up to something lately. One day I found his hands all covered in super glue. He said he had been fixing a fishing pole. In all actuality he had been trying to grow moss on the chest to make it look authentic and all and he had soaked it for so long that the chest had fallen apart and he was gluing it back together. He also had been trying to rust the locks and burn the edges of the note. All attempts had failed, but it was still so cute to hear about the effort that had gone into such a proposal. It was very sweet.
All in all, I know the Lord has been blessing us with strength and guidance. It took me forever to get up the guts to play him that song I made the first time, but the second time, though the song had a deeper meaning and more consequences weighed on its outcome, I was able to play it without hesitation. (I prayed a lot before we went out that night.) I also have seen his hand in our situation all a long the way. While we were courting I would tell him that I thought someone was on his side, because things would just fall into place from time to time. Truly WE are Never Alone.
So, I'm engaged to be married. To me, this is still a very strange reality. My whole philosophy is that I can't imagine what it will be like to be married since I've never experienced it. I just have to take it one step at a time. I've been talking to some girls up at school and they say that they never really to used to the idea until they were actually in the temple. So, it is a little scary, but I know I'm not alone in it.
About a month ago, he and I took a trip to my home town, to our Grandparents' houses and his married siblings' houses. It took up our whole break, but it was a blast.
We visited my family first, right after my mom helped me move. (It was very kind of her, by the way.) We spent a few days there before he asked my Dad for my hand. At this point it was like I thought I wanted to marry him, but I wasn't all there yet. I wanted to see how I felt being with him in my backyard. Where I had my roots. For some reason, it was all very natural. It was like he belonged there. My mom sorta assisted in his being able to ask my Dad as she planned out a time that would be best and for us to be out of the way. :-)
Then he and I flew out and visited other family. It was also good because I saw many different sides of him, but they were all nothing I hadn't known before. So I was gaining confidence in the decision I was about to make.
While at one of his brother's houses I had a special experience. It was after we had said good night and had a long day together. (By the way, after spending a week with someone 24/7 you could easily get tired of them, right? For us, not at all. It was still hard to say good night even though we knew that we would see each other first thing in the morning.)I was in the front room all by myself just pondering. You know how the spirit can teach you things you already know? Like you understand a concept, but it doesn't quite hit you until the spirit seems to shout at you in its still small voice, penetrating your soul? It was one of those things. I began a conversation between myself and this special Spirit. It went something like this:
"Well, Aubrey you know one of two things is going to have to happen. You are either gonna bump him, or marry him. And it is going to be fairly soon."
Pretty simple concept, right? I knew this, but I guess I needed an extra push. It really did make the situation that much more real.
I thought to myself, "Wow, what would it be like to break up with him?" As this thought struck me I began to cry. haha. Right in the middle of a living room that I had only stayed in for a few nights. It struck me, that it pained my heart to the very center. I could not imagine that heart ache becoming very real.
It brought me back to a moment in the temple I had when we were first dating. I siad, "Heavenly Father," as I glanced over at my boyfriend at the time while he had his head bowed in fervent prayer. "Even if things don't work out between me and [my boyfriend], I want to thank you for letting me know such a man." At that moment it was either the spirit or my own emotion, but I began to cry then too.
In the middle of that living room I began to realize something. Even at that young stage of our relationship our love was deep and it had been growing since. I thought I knew I wanted to marry him for some time and had been entertaining and pondering the thought, but had not the resolve to consent to marriage.
I realized that for the longest time I had been asking the wrong question. "What should I do? What would thou have me do?" had been my incessant plea. In my classes I had been learning that in the case of marriage and most other situations we are to ponder it out in our hearts, have some conclusion in mind, and then ask the Lord if it be right. Of course I knew this, but was not ready to make any kind of decision. That night I discovered what I wanted. I knelt down and asked. "Lord, I think that [my boyfriend] and I want to be sealed in thy Holy House for time and eternity. Would this be sanctified by thy Spirit? Do you approve of this decision?" I got a surge of warmth well up in my chest and my eyes filled with tears. That was all I needed! Now I could move forward without fear. God was on my side and had given me an answer. I thanked him with as much gratitude as I could muster.
Fast forward a week. On Valentine's Day I had played him a song I had written to tell him how I felt. It was rather cute, if I say so myself! But it had ended poorly and didn't quite resolve. So I finished the song, saying yes, and played it for him in the temple parking lot. Cheesy, I know, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He was so touched at what I was doing (not necessarily the song..grr...haha) that his eyes filled with tears, but he's like my Dad and did not shed them. But we had a good moment enjoying each other and the reality of the situation. It was there we shared our and my first kiss. (He asked of course...)
Well, he had already been planning a way to ask me to marry him for some time, so just a little while later he insisted we go fishing. It was a Thursday, and I knew the ring we had been looking at wasn't in yet, so I was clueless as to what was happening. It was a school night, and I knew it would be cold, so I didn't want to go, but he insisted that it was going to snow soon and that we had to go now as opposed to the weekend. I consentedd to go for a half-hour only. Little did I know, that I would not be getting back to my homework until much later that night.
So we drove out to this river/creek-looking thing. The whole way there he was talking to his roommate in computer language. He deals with computers all the time, so I didn't think much of it. He said he had enlisted the help of his roommate and a friend in assisting him to fix a server for an apartment complex. This all seemed very normal to me, and so I didn't think much of it.
We arrived at the place and he fixed up a fishing rod for me, instructing me to cast for a while to see if I could get anything while he started running up and down the bank. He said he was looking for big fish at the surface. I thought, "What in the world? Big fish would not be at the top of the surface...but oh well! You are the expert!" What I didn't know was that he was frantically searching for a particular chest that his roommate, under his instruction, had placed in the water fifteen minutes prior to our coming. Inside this chest was a sealed jewelry/music box with a "pre-engagement" ring inside. This chest was fashioned to have a lot of fishing line around it in order to facilitate a hook snagging on it. It was also supposed to have a bobber attached to it. However, the bobber had sunk with the chest. All of a sudden his room mate shows up, and I get informed that there had been some complications to this special trip. Haha. It was the thought that counted. To make a long story short, his roommate had to point out the exact spot of the chest and we had to get it out by pulling at the safety line that had been tied to the bank. Not a bad way to go. The chest had been wrapped around with chains and locks. His roommate had to find the bottle that had also been carefully stowed away with a key in it to the locks and a note that [my boyfriend] had written. It was about "treasures"and it all related to life and our future. It was very sweet. Then I opened the locks to the chest and saw within the small box with a bunch of "treasures": coins, bracelets, and such. Then I opened the small box and it played music. (It was also supposed to light up...haha...but it was a little water logged.) So that is the cute story!
I didn't know this before the event. I was completely clueless, though I thought he had been up to something lately. One day I found his hands all covered in super glue. He said he had been fixing a fishing pole. In all actuality he had been trying to grow moss on the chest to make it look authentic and all and he had soaked it for so long that the chest had fallen apart and he was gluing it back together. He also had been trying to rust the locks and burn the edges of the note. All attempts had failed, but it was still so cute to hear about the effort that had gone into such a proposal. It was very sweet.
All in all, I know the Lord has been blessing us with strength and guidance. It took me forever to get up the guts to play him that song I made the first time, but the second time, though the song had a deeper meaning and more consequences weighed on its outcome, I was able to play it without hesitation. (I prayed a lot before we went out that night.) I also have seen his hand in our situation all a long the way. While we were courting I would tell him that I thought someone was on his side, because things would just fall into place from time to time. Truly WE are Never Alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)