Seek Ye Learning by Faith

So, as you may know, I have taken a job at the university where I teach, what is is called, "musicianship." The university, let me tell ya, is all about change. This class is actually fairly new (it used to be two separate classes), and the teachers have just about got their curriculum in check. They have written everything up that needs to be written, and a schedule that fits to the semester. They are just getting to the point where they don't have to worry about how they will fulfill their objectives in the class in regards to the curriculum they have decided to follow, but they can now take it to the next level and wonder how they can best teach what they want to teach.
I meet with these teachers about once a week (I do get paid for the interview...he he) and we almost always end up in a philosophical discussion. One teacher has been teaching for 50 years + and the other is in my generation, but extremely intelligent and is dedicated to what he does. At first, in these meetings I would be a little timid. I didn't want to say something that would offend either one of them and my job security would plummet. But as time has gone on, I've noticed they value our opinion because we are students who have been in our student's shoes. They seem to trust us and our opinion as we have the common goals to make our class the most beneficial we can for the students. It is quite fascinating.
The other day we were in one of these discussions. Fuming, the older teacher expressed his frustration at students who are attending college as a means to an end. They want to get by, they just want to pass for the slip of paper that will ensure them a job after they graduate. Pretty understandable, right? I mean, that is why we go to college, right? But his qualm was that students no longer desired and thirsted for knowledge. Rather, when he introduced a new topic, they would squirm and complain, and challenge his right to be teaching them things that they might not see on a test because it would not be "productive" and a "waste of time." I may have elaborated on the subject a little bit, but this is the general attitude I notice from the peers around me. They "hem and haw" and really just want professors to give them the grade. They want everything on a silver platter. "Just give me the grade I deserve based off of the effort I put into this class!" seems to be the complacent cry, even if they have not gained a true understanding of the material. They have put in effort. Effort to complete assignments, to memorize what might be on the tests, but they do not wish to internalize the skills, or what they are learning.
This was the teacher's complaint and I and the other mentor with us, could not help but agree. The teacher pointed out that our generation has seemed to forget what hard work was.
This ushered in a hour of discussion. My take on it was/is this:
My generation has grown up with everything at our fingertips. We have entertainment readily available, we know there are tools we can find a mouse-click away, we know that knowledge is readily available for finding in a time of need, there our friends that are a phone call/text away, we know the whereabouts of our family members all the time and know they can come rushing to our aid, we have stores that are just minutes away, and we have always had the ability to be educated because our society makes it so readily available to us. Everything is easy. We don't have to work hard. We have been taught that as long as we get an acceptable grade in our studies we will be given what we want. It boarders on Aldous Huxley's A Brave New World in that "people are happy; they get what they want." True, people may be temporarily happy, but they may not see things as they are and are to come(D&C 93:24). It is hard to see a life outside of college where the knowledge we gain will be useful and for our benefit, but how will we implement what we have been taught if we actually didn't learn the material?
But what if college didn't give us a degree or knowledge to aid us in job prospects? Is it still worth our time? (Yeah, dumb question) In D&C 88:118 we are encouraged to seek words of wisdom from one another and out of the best books. We also learn that what we have done in this life, the knowledge we have gained and the character we have built, will be the thing that will remain with us in the next life. President Gorden B. Hinckley once said, "The mind of man is the crowning creation of God, in whose express image man was made. The development of the mind is a companion responsibility to the cultivation of the spirit, as set forth in the revealed principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ." (see D&C 93:36) The whole purpose of this life is to be tried and tested. We are failing our final exam if we have not studied for our test! How can we expect to be like God if we don't strive to make our mind like his?
In 2 Nephi 2 we learn that because we are redeemed from the fall of Adam we are free. Free to act, and not to be acted upon (vs 26). If we don't take this freedom we have been given, this gift that was paid for by our Savior, we are being selfish and ungrateful. It is as if we reject Him and His sacrifice. Let us continually strive to improve ourselves. Stand a little taller.
The ability we have to learn is given us, but the means by which we are able to learn is also a gift to our generation in this day and age. We have been given limitless resources! Libraries! The Internet! Those who have gone before us! Indeed we have been blessed. Indeed, you may say that we have a duty to our children, in consequence of our having so many opportunities, to seek learning.
But how do we seek learning? We are admonished to seek learning "even by study and also by faith." In my life I have come to learn for myself that faith is a verb. It required action, and in doing so, our faith grows. It is a continued cycle.We believe and hope, take action, and gain even more reason to believe and hope. So it is with our ambition to learn. We must proceed in faith and with purpose. We must be careful of the source of our learning. Resulting from so many sources of knowledge, we know that there are sources designed specifically to deceive. We can always be assured that the spirit will never lie, for it "speaketh truth and lieth not...and these things are manifested unto us plainly" (Jacob 4:13).
I know that this maybe a struggle to many, but I can sincerely say that I as I have put these things into practice, my eyes have been opened. I love to learn! I receive great joy as I become the pupil of the Spirit. It is a struggle but certainly worth it! I have come to enjoy learning for learning and to sit "pondering in mine heart" the things I am taught my heart swells with gratitude and a sense of well-being. I've thought about these things as I have been teaching, and I decided to read all my students a cute little poem:
The Thrill of Acheivement
There is no thrill in easy sailing,
Where skies are clear and blue;
There's no joy in merely doing
Things which anyone can do.
But there is great satisfaction
That is very sweet to take,
When you reach a destination
That was really tough to make.
I know we are Never Alone in our endeavors. Especially when they are Christ-like and we are seeking the help of the one who wants us to come unto Him. Back to Huxley's Brave New World. When the character, Savage, confronts the "commander" in the book, they argue about which life style is better. Is the life where everything is easy and given to us the most desirable, or is the lifestyle that sees struggle worth living? "Actual happiness [otherwise known as pleasure] always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, non of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness [or pleasure, which does not shine to TRUE happiness] is never grand."
Learning may be hard, but it is so real and worth the effort in contrast to one who goes through the mere motions of learning.

Engagement Story

So, this blog is actually very late, but better late than never, right?
So, I'm engaged to be married. To me, this is still a very strange reality. My whole philosophy is that I can't imagine what it will be like to be married since I've never experienced it. I just have to take it one step at a time. I've been talking to some girls up at school and they say that they never really to used to the idea until they were actually in the temple. So, it is a little scary, but I know I'm not alone in it.
About a month ago, he and I took a trip to my home town, to our Grandparents' houses and his married siblings' houses. It took up our whole break, but it was a blast.
We visited my family first, right after my mom helped me move. (It was very kind of her, by the way.) We spent a few days there before he asked my Dad for my hand. At this point it was like I thought I wanted to marry him, but I wasn't all there yet. I wanted to see how I felt being with him in my backyard. Where I had my roots. For some reason, it was all very natural. It was like he belonged there. My mom sorta assisted in his being able to ask my Dad as she planned out a time that would be best and for us to be out of the way. :-)
Then he and I flew out and visited other family. It was also good because I saw many different sides of him, but they were all nothing I hadn't known before. So I was gaining confidence in the decision I was about to make.
While at one of his brother's houses I had a special experience. It was after we had said good night and had a long day together. (By the way, after spending a week with someone 24/7 you could easily get tired of them, right? For us, not at all. It was still hard to say good night even though we knew that we would see each other first thing in the morning.)I was in the front room all by myself just pondering. You know how the spirit can teach you things you already know? Like you understand a concept, but it doesn't quite hit you until the spirit seems to shout at you in its still small voice, penetrating your soul? It was one of those things. I began a conversation between myself and this special Spirit. It went something like this:
"Well, Aubrey you know one of two things is going to have to happen. You are either gonna bump him, or marry him. And it is going to be fairly soon."
Pretty simple concept, right? I knew this, but I guess I needed an extra push. It really did make the situation that much more real.
I thought to myself, "Wow, what would it be like to break up with him?" As this thought struck me I began to cry. haha. Right in the middle of a living room that I had only stayed in for a few nights. It struck me, that it pained my heart to the very center. I could not imagine that heart ache becoming very real.
It brought me back to a moment in the temple I had when we were first dating. I siad, "Heavenly Father," as I glanced over at my boyfriend at the time while he had his head bowed in fervent prayer. "Even if things don't work out between me and [my boyfriend], I want to thank you for letting me know such a man." At that moment it was either the spirit or my own emotion, but I began to cry then too.
In the middle of that living room I began to realize something. Even at that young stage of our relationship our love was deep and it had been growing since. I thought I knew I wanted to marry him for some time and had been entertaining and pondering the thought, but had not the resolve to consent to marriage.
I realized that for the longest time I had been asking the wrong question. "What should I do? What would thou have me do?" had been my incessant plea. In my classes I had been learning that in the case of marriage and most other situations we are to ponder it out in our hearts, have some conclusion in mind, and then ask the Lord if it be right. Of course I knew this, but was not ready to make any kind of decision. That night I discovered what I wanted. I knelt down and asked. "Lord, I think that [my boyfriend] and I want to be sealed in thy Holy House for time and eternity. Would this be sanctified by thy Spirit? Do you approve of this decision?" I got a surge of warmth well up in my chest and my eyes filled with tears. That was all I needed! Now I could move forward without fear. God was on my side and had given me an answer. I thanked him with as much gratitude as I could muster.
Fast forward a week. On Valentine's Day I had played him a song I had written to tell him how I felt. It was rather cute, if I say so myself! But it had ended poorly and didn't quite resolve. So I finished the song, saying yes, and played it for him in the temple parking lot. Cheesy, I know, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He was so touched at what I was doing (not necessarily the song..grr...haha) that his eyes filled with tears, but he's like my Dad and did not shed them. But we had a good moment enjoying each other and the reality of the situation. It was there we shared our and my first kiss. (He asked of course...)
Well, he had already been planning a way to ask me to marry him for some time, so just a little while later he insisted we go fishing. It was a Thursday, and I knew the ring we had been looking at wasn't in yet, so I was clueless as to what was happening. It was a school night, and I knew it would be cold, so I didn't want to go, but he insisted that it was going to snow soon and that we had to go now as opposed to the weekend. I consentedd to go for a half-hour only. Little did I know, that I would not be getting back to my homework until much later that night.
So we drove out to this river/creek-looking thing. The whole way there he was talking to his roommate in computer language. He deals with computers all the time, so I didn't think much of it. He said he had enlisted the help of his roommate and a friend in assisting him to fix a server for an apartment complex. This all seemed very normal to me, and so I didn't think much of it.
We arrived at the place and he fixed up a fishing rod for me, instructing me to cast for a while to see if I could get anything while he started running up and down the bank. He said he was looking for big fish at the surface. I thought, "What in the world? Big fish would not be at the top of the surface...but oh well! You are the expert!" What I didn't know was that he was frantically searching for a particular chest that his roommate, under his instruction, had placed in the water fifteen minutes prior to our coming. Inside this chest was a sealed jewelry/music box with a "pre-engagement" ring inside. This chest was fashioned to have a lot of fishing line around it in order to facilitate a hook snagging on it. It was also supposed to have a bobber attached to it. However, the bobber had sunk with the chest. All of a sudden his room mate shows up, and I get informed that there had been some complications to this special trip. Haha. It was the thought that counted. To make a long story short, his roommate had to point out the exact spot of the chest and we had to get it out by pulling at the safety line that had been tied to the bank. Not a bad way to go. The chest had been wrapped around with chains and locks. His roommate had to find the bottle that had also been carefully stowed away with a key in it to the locks and a note that [my boyfriend] had written. It was about "treasures"and it all related to life and our future. It was very sweet. Then I opened the locks to the chest and saw within the small box with a bunch of "treasures": coins, bracelets, and such. Then I opened the small box and it played music. (It was also supposed to light up...haha...but it was a little water logged.) So that is the cute story!
I didn't know this before the event. I was completely clueless, though I thought he had been up to something lately. One day I found his hands all covered in super glue. He said he had been fixing a fishing pole. In all actuality he had been trying to grow moss on the chest to make it look authentic and all and he had soaked it for so long that the chest had fallen apart and he was gluing it back together. He also had been trying to rust the locks and burn the edges of the note. All attempts had failed, but it was still so cute to hear about the effort that had gone into such a proposal. It was very sweet.


All in all, I know the Lord has been blessing us with strength and guidance. It took me forever to get up the guts to play him that song I made the first time, but the second time, though the song had a deeper meaning and more consequences weighed on its outcome, I was able to play it without hesitation. (I prayed a lot before we went out that night.) I also have seen his hand in our situation all a long the way. While we were courting I would tell him that I thought someone was on his side, because things would just fall into place from time to time. Truly WE are Never Alone.

Mine Arm Is Lengthened Out

This semester our top chamber group was blessed t tour in Salt Lake. Our main purpose for going there was to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle choir in the Music and the Spoken word, but we were also privileged to sing at The President's Club in the Church Office Building. I wasn't exactly sure what this meant, but I only knew that President Eyring would be present and that we would be singing one of my favorite songs of the semester. This particular song is called "Mine Arm is Lengthened Out" (visit http://www.lanejmusic.com/mine_arm.mp3 It is only a sample of music and is broken up into little segments, so it does not carry the piece's majestic power that it has, or it's full purpose and meaning, but it will give you an idea of the kind of mood it will portray. It also was at least a few minutes long as well). It isn't commonly known, but through this semester I have discovered that it has touched my life in a way that only music can. The words are as follows:

Mine arm is lengthened out all the day long
And yet, they will deny me
Yet, they will not come unto me and partake.

How oft would I have gathered you
As a hen gathereth her brood?
How oft would I have gathered you together
But ye would not!

Incline your ear and come unto me:
Hear and your soul shall live.

I shall lengthen out mine arm from day to day
And I will be merciful to those that come unto me.

Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of mine hands.

I thought so much about the meaning behind this piece as we were learning it and performed it two times at the university. While I was first learning it, I twisted the meaning of the song to fit into my own life and circumstances. Towards the beginning of the semester I knew I was losing and eventually love my grandmother and where it says, "Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of mine hands," I would think of Christ welcoming and greeting my Grandma on the other side. Then I started to think about Christ pleading to those He suffered so much for. Christ is perhaps my favorite subject to write or talk about and for years I have marveled at his ability to love so many people and to love us so much and suffer for us so much, and the pain He must feel when those He loves and has paid the price for, reject Him and His gift. I thought of Christ pleading for us to come unto Him. It is really a powerful image when you think about it. In the book of Moses (chapter 7) we read of Enoch's experience where he sees God weep "[for those who] are without affection, and [those who] had their own blood (vs 33)." I suppose I am like Enoch who marvels that such a being who is holy and eternal can weep, and shed tears like rain upon the mountains (vs 28-29). But the truth of it is this: deity does love those children who are lost and would want more than anything to have them join the fold once more. The hymn comes to mind, "I Stand All Amazed", for I truly, do stand amazed at the love Jesus has for me.
This was the message I wanted to share with a room full of strangers in the Church Office Building that day in Salt Lake. Many of us felt the piece in a similar way and as we sang, tears streamed down our faces. It had touched all of our hearts and we wanted, in our way, to be the a voice for the Lord, pleading that all might remember Him and come unto Him, for He had not forgotten us; we are engraved upon the palms of His hands.

After we sang we were invited to stay to hear the president of our school speak and to hear a few words from President Eyring. While the President of our school spoke I listened and realized that the talk he was giving was very similar to the many talks he gives at the beginning of the semester when he addresses the students at the university. He spoke of how the spirit teaches and can give us a fuller understanding of the lessons we are being taught inside the classroom. I had experienced this many times, as it is part of our learning model.
Then President Eyring got up and said a few words. I was almost disappointed that we didn't make him cry with our song, though I saw many people take a napkin to their eyes. The whole room was touched, and though I expected him to cry, since he seems to cry every time I see him give a talk, for whatever reason, he did not. However, in his address he did speak of how he appreciated and recognized the students' love of the savior. He said you could plainly see they knew the meaning of the song they sang. We knew we didm but were looking to touch them.
It is so cool to see a general authority speak so freely. He told of his experience in school and how he had struggled with physics, but had had his own touching experience where he felt the Spirit testify of the truthfulness of an equation in his book. He emphasized the importance of the Spirit and then bore his testimony of the Savior as well. Then he shared something rather personal that touched me. I hope I get my facts strait, but I know that I know the message to be true. He said one day he was thanking God for the path he had taken in life and for the experiences he had had to get him to that point in his life. Then he said he felt a little chastened. He realized that Christ had actually been the one playing and active role in his life and putting him where he was supposed to be at the right time. It was interesting because we think of how much Christ honored His Father in Heaven and we are commanded to do the same, but still Christ is the one that knows us and our trials perhaps more than anyone because He performed the atonement for us. I think it is wonderful to know that he is playing a role in our life as long as we let him. Truly He is on our right hand and on our left (D&C 84:88). We are never alone, for He is in our midst (D&C 61:36).

At the end we were able and allowed to mingle in the crowd. I cannot say I met President Eyring or Elder Ballard, who was also present, but I did have the opportunity to meet Sister Dalton. Wow. She is such an amazing woman, and I have always looked up to her. She was in the Young Women's presidency the same time I was and now I get to continue to grow up with her in Relief Society. I was standing behind her with another group of women in the choir with me, and when she turned around she looked at us and gave me and my roommate a big hug and showed her love. She is very animated, just like she is when she speaks over broadcasts, but I could not have known that she could show so much love! She turned to us and thanked us for what we did, and she told us that we could have converted thousands with our testimonies, even if we had not opened our mouths. She was just impressed with how we looked and carried ourselves. Maybe we had the light of Christ in our eyes! But she asked us how many were young women when she served and most of us were. She exclaimed, "So you are my girls!" And she proceeded to meet and greet each one of us. She told us that she had been taking notes through the meeting on little placemat cards. She said that she had been taking notes not on what the speakers said, but on what she had felt. Again, she thanked us for what we had done.
Needless to say, at the end of the experience our heart were full. We were so ready to share our testimonies and share our light with the oil that we had been given for our lamps that day.

Go the Way of All the Earth

The morning of the day my grandmother died, I somehow knew that that day would be the day she would go the way of all the earth. It wasn't a shock, and it didn't turn my world upside down, but it did impact me. I was sad that I had this separation from her. We had known for a while now that she was going to take a journey, and so we were prepared to face that fact. I only regretted that I did not get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked. Though I mentioned her to many of my friends as a great example, I never had myself expressed it to her. I regretted that greatly. I guess I had to try to make up for it by sending her a letter that explained that fact. I was told it didn't reach her in time before she had slipped into a coma. After she had passed on, I wondered what she would think of me, seeing me with a clear mind and eyes. I wondered if she would be proud of me. Would she approve of my choices? Could she know of my life, ambitions, goals? I didn't know. I wondered what she looked like. I hadn't seen very many pictures of her and wondered what her spirit might look like. One night, I was writing about it in my journal. I wrote of how she was a spirited lady in health and how I would have liked to know her during that time in her life. I wrote my concerns. Then I wrote of m admiration of her. I wrote how I was sad she never got o hear me express in life my love of her and appreciation for the way she raised her sons, for the way she handled her illness, her determination. I was sitting on my bed at an angle, and then felt very strongly a presence over my shoulder. I felt she was reading the things I was writing and began to cry. I believe she visited me and now knows in death what I wanted so desperately her to know in life.
The funeral was held in Florida where my grandparents had lived. I was glad to fly out. It was stressful at first, especially since I am a full time student and working hard from day to day just to get everything done as it is. I had to get five days of work into two short days. I was exhausted by the end of it, but God had blessed me with an easy week altogether, making it possible for me to meet the time restraint. I flew out in time to see the viewing. I felt it was a rough decision to fly out that soon, but once I got there I felt I knew why I was compelled to make that choice. Travel for me took over twelve hours. In one airport I actually ran into my uncle on my mom's side who was flying to my hometown so he could fly some more planes. It was fun to see a friendly face in an airport that was foreign to me. There were a ton of missionaries in the airport, clearly going home. They were all at pay phones talking to their parents. I loved the sight of a little army of God. I usually bring a pass along card when I travel, but that day the only one I had wasn't in the best shape. I asked a missionary for a card and ended up giving it to a cute couple that had been married for fifty years. They were a delight to watch because they treated each other like they had just gotten married last week or something.
It was so fun to be with my family again. We had a lot to talk about in the airport and on the trip overall. I loved to see them and extended family I don't get to see very often. My great-grandpa came after he had had a heart attack the week before :-/ But it was very cool to see him. Also, I got to see one of my uncles that I hadn't seen since...? I don't even know..And of course, it is always a pleasure to see my sister and nephew. I love her so much! It was also a pleasure for me to get to know one of my cousins who I had priorly seen only time to time. I had never really talked with her one on one before, but I became so impressed with her! I am used to being the person who helps out around the house, or being the person that one can turn to in a time of need, but I noticed that whenever I went to go do something, she was already on top of it! I did get to help every now and then, but usually she had already done it, or was doing it, so I'd help how I could. I found that we were really similar in character and we looked alike too! crazy! Despite the solemnity of such an occasion, it was also a "jovial" time.
In the whole experience I have come to conclude that I get through funerals ok, but viewings are hard for me. When we entered the funeral home, it took no less than a minute for me to look at my deceased grandmother and begin to sob. I got out of the way so other people could see, but returned to her side and stared down at her. My mom had helped dress her and get her ready for the occasion. I told her I could not believe she did that, or how she could do that. I was not sure I could have. But she put a comforting arm around me and reassured me that she had had her moments as well. Looking at her, I noticed that even in death she was beautiful and elegant. I couldn't help but feel that everything that was happening was appropriate for her. No matter how much pain she was in, she liked to look good in public. It was no different for her in her coffin. I couldn't help but think how awkward I would feel with so many people looking at me or knowing that so many people were looking at me. I'd want to look good for that too. Weird thought. Leave it to me to come up with something like that... But it was very beautiful - that is the point. She looked wonderful, the funeral home looked beautiful, and the flowers were wonderful. It was appropriate for her.
I was just about drained of energy half-way through. I didn't know how my Grandpa was still standing. So firm. He always has been, in my mind, a rock facing any kind of adversity. When it came time to close the casket, a veil was put down to cover her face. I couldn't help but think that a veil is sometimes used in wedding ceremonies, and how her life with grandpa had begun with a veil and ended with a veil covering her. At that point I think I lost it. I cried for my grandpa's sorrow mostly, but I also cried for her sons, and I cried for the separation from her I was personally experiencing (time is so precious!). For some reason after everyone had walked out I was there, sitting with my own grief for company. I didn't feel as if she was there with me as I had before. She was gone doing some greater good I was sure. I wondered out of all the family and people from the community who had attended, why I was the one still sitting in the chapel. Alone. It wasn't like I didn't want to get up. I just simply couldn't. With tissues in hand I waited until I gained control of myself. I knew the people from the funeral home were waiting for me, my family was probably waiting for me too, conversing together in the parking lot. I finally felt peace. I wasn't empty anymore. The spirit was inside me. I walked out and met my family.
The funeral itself was of a lighter mood, at least for me. My sisters and I sang in the church chapel. It was a good program. I loved hearing the comments and how my grandma's children honored her. I was able to be in my grandpa's car as we proceeded to the cemetery. It was a military cemetery and as we drove by there was a group of bikers that had rode in and saluted us. I thought that was pretty cool. The grave site was dedicated and we left. Before we did I took a rose from the top of the floral arrangement on top of the grave. I have since dried it. But before I walked on I went to the head of the coffin kissed my fingers and placed them gently on top of the coffin. It was my own sign of respect and love. I knew we would be reunited one day.

God's Everlasting Love

The University's Choirs and Orchestra were blessed to participate in an Oratorio this semester with words written by David A. Bednar of the Twelve Apostles.It was an amazing experience for all of us and many of us didn't want the experience to end. I love singing in a combined choirs and full orchestras to begin with, but the whole program was special in a whole new dimension. The man that wrote the music to Elder Bednar's words was so inspired. He wrote the music to imitate a sacrament meeting. There was a prelude and postlude from the orchestra, and an opening and closing prayer given by our conductors at each performance and all fourteen movements were about Christ and his atonement. The whole Oratorio was also a chiasma because it started and ended the same musically as well as in its message. There was a male soloist who was backstage and unseen while he represented God in the piece. He sang about the purpose of the earth being created and essentially about why we were put here. In the last piece we join in as a choir, as sons and daughters, and proclaim that we know our purpose on the earth and through whom it is made possible. The whole experience was so sacred and so well written.
We were blessed to perform it four times. Two times at the university, once in Twin Falls and Once in the Tabernacle on temple square. Each performance was sold out. Temple Square was an amazing experience. When we arrived we were instructed to go and change and then to meet in the "horseshoe" which is a green room or sorts. It was so cool to because it was under the tabernacle and you could see tunnels leading to the conference center and temple and we saw Mormon Tabernacle Storage in that room. We couldn't believe we were in that same room where the MoTab would probably warm up. Well, soon we were wanted on stage. We were being recorded and they wanted us to do the whole thing before we performed that night for editing purposes. It was so cool to watch the cameras and the screen (although I wasn't supposed to, I would look when I knew for certain there wasn't a possibility of me being filmed). It really looked like they were filming the Tabernacle choir and orchestra. The cool part is we get to get a DVD of the performance by the end of the semester. After we ran through it we were invited to eat underneath the conference center. We got to go through the security doors and pass the temple to get there through the tunnels. As we passed the temple we were encouraged to be respectful and reverent. We all were, and I couldn't but help think of the story where President Hinckley, in reverence, took off his hat as he passed under the temple. I wondered if that story took place where we were. The church fed us well in the Conference Center. I think we paid for a bit of it, but I think the portions were generous. Then we had to make our way back to the Tabernacle and we received more instruction and then we found ourselves going out onstage. I knew my grandparents got a hold of tickets and were going to be there in one of the balconies but I wasn't sure. Finally, right before the announcement that began ever performace commenced I found them. They were in the stage left balcony front row! I was so happy to see them and hoped the performance would touch them. I feel as a choir and orchestra, we put everything inot that performance. I was focused on musical skill more than anything that night, I think because I really wanted our DVD's to be good. But I kind of regret that. I'll go into more detail later. After the performance I was pleased to find my grandparents and hear how they had liked the concert. They loved what we had done and I think they understood the message as much as you could hearing it once. We walked around temple square together and took pictures. Finally my grandma I think couldn't take the cold much longer and I boarded the bus to go home.
I think through the whole duration of the trip I ate better than I had living on my own. I just have to say Relief Society sisters are amazing. In Twin Falls before and after our performance we were taken care of the stakes there. They fed us an amazing dinner and still came around with baskets of rolls and cookies while we were seated. There were more than 300 of us and they were so amazing they had fed dished everyone up in 12 minutes flat! And we were pampered even after that with water being poured into our half empty glasses and strawberries someone had thought of giving away. I felt they were being so generous! And then we stayed with host families. The family took us, had a big house and took five us. We were all comfortable and well fed again. Breakfast was amazing, snacks that night were amazing, and the family had a genuine interest in who we were. They found out that we played guitar and when I asked if there was anything we could do for them while we were staying with them they just requested a song. We kind of did an exchange of music. Their daughter played for us and one girl who was with us played Blackbird. I chose to play "Come Thou Fount" and one of my old roommates sung with me, so we harmonized to the music. It was a cool experience because almost immediately I noticed the room flood with the spirit. The family's eyes confirmed that they were touched and they thanked us for the song. It was just another confirmation to me of why I am going into music. I believe it can touch people in ways nothing else can.
During all four of the performances of God's Everlasting Love, I felt very strongly that I wanted the people I was performing for to feel the spirit and the joy of the message we were sharing. In that moment I felt inadequate to share such a special and true message with my own weaknesses. I knew I couldn't sing it perfectly to convey such a perfect message, and I knew the orchestra could not play beautifully enough to convey such a beautiful message. But I realized that our spirits could connect with those of our brothers and sisters to convey our own humble, but strong testimonies. And that is what mattered. All our hours of rehearsing paid off in the moment we touched at least one soul. THat would make it all worth it. But I can guarantee that we touched more than just one soul. Before we left on our tour we were instructed to treat this experience as if we were on a mission. We were representing a church, a school, and He whose name we take upon ourselves. I loved that idea! I tried to take that seriously, and get the most I could from the experience. The last night we sang the Oratorio I gave it everything I could. I put my heart my soul, my testimony, every ounce of musical ability I could into all the movements. By the end of it I was exhausted, but so happy with what we had done. I was emotionally drained for all my crying, but so spiritually full. I only wish I had had that in the tabernacle. But I know that the spirit can come to us in the most unexpected circumstance as long as we are listening and worthy to receive it. All in all, what I came away from it was that music can touch people, and I forever want to be a part in that. My testimony was strengthened and I was filled with gratitude for all that made it possible, especially those saints in Twin Falls who showed us such kindness. For certain you are never alone in the church and in your testimony.

Eating Bread by the Sweat of My Brow

Working about 16 hours a week and being a music major is maybe one of the craziest things I could do. But the job I have has flexible hours, which is really what I need, because I have to take into account performances and rehearsals that come up as well as all of the out-side-of-class work that comes with my particular major. It is thrilling to be so busy and sometimes when I do have down times (never during the week, just weekends) I feel like I'm forgetting something, because it just can't be this easy!
My work is a data collection center centered on market research. I basically get to wear a headset and make a bunch of phone calls and give surveys. It is challenging in that sometimes you have to put up with a bit of abuse. I have had all kinds of experiences. I have had people swear at me, scream at me, and threaten to sue us should we ever call again. Sometime it is almost humorous at how upset someone can get about a simple phone call. But through it you really appreciate those who are kind to you weather they take the survey or not. The kindest person I came in contact with THANKED me for considering their opinion. If they do take the survey, you appreciate them even more for helping your own rating since it is mostly based off of chance.
Psychologically it is hard to process. Studies have shown that if a person does not feel they have much control over their own lives or situation, then they tend to stress. And stress leads to other things. which is a whole other conversation. Secondly, it is easy to get discouraged by a particularly poorly written survey. Not as many people want to take it, and you have to fight for their attention and to keep them on the line. More stress. Thirdly, as mentioned above, you do deal with people who are down right rude to you. Fourthly, (and maybe this one is just for me) you deal with people in different time zones or who are putting children to bed. As an employee you don't get to chose who you call or even which state you are calling, and could feel a little guilt when someone complains that you are calling at an unseemly hour. And lastly, working that job you have to deal with supervisors who encourage you to increase your rating. They have an expectation and it has to be met. As if you had any control over who you call and weather they have any desire to take the survey or not.
That being said, I remember a few things. I remember not to take anything personally, I am just a member of a team working towards a common goal, and I have to play by their rules. I remember that if I were talking to some of these people face to face, maybe they would be more open, but just hearing a voice dehumanizes and estranges me from them. I would probably be a little annoyed by me too. But most importantly, I remember a scripture that really touched me a little over six months ago. It is 3 Nephi 13:25 "And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words he looked upon the twelve whom he had chosen, and said unto them: Remember the words which I have spoken. For behold, ye are they whom I have chosen to minister unto this people. Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" The thing is, I don't fear that I will lose my job over a rating. I just know that I do what I can, I try my best and it works out for my good. Ezra Taft Benson once said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." I have faith that God loves me and know I am trying my best. It will all work out. For I know I am Never Alone.

Conference Weekend

Wow how time has flown! Conference weekend I was blessed to be able to spend it with my Grandparents and Uncle. A friend at school was driving down to Salt Lake because he had a mission reunion on the way there. So Friday night before I got to my Grandparent's place I got to go with him. I admit, I was really nervous about it since we didn't have any sort of relationship. I thought it would be awkward since I knew the first thing people were going to assume. And assume they did. I tried to hold my water or apple cider with my left hand, but I guess after people are married they forget to do a ring check. Oh well. It was fun anyways. It was fun to meet new people. I did run into someone I knew very briefly, and it was fun to look at mission pictures.
Eventually I did make it to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Grandma was in the process of remodeling her front room and putting in new carpet in the front room, kitchen, and a few bedrooms. So things were a little askew, but it turned out to be more fun than anything. When I was discussing the trip with her I suggested that I would be able to help her with the transition, but she insisted most of that was already taken care of. I just got to do the fun things with her. I got to go shopping for couches! I got to give my opinion on couches in contrast to a carpet sample we carried around with us and move furniture around to see what would work best in the new arrangement. I never knew it could be that fun! And while she was in a "out with the old and in with the new mood," we decided I could have her ridiculously comfortable rocking chair! She was being very generous I'm sure. It was so funny because it was a last minute decision. So random! But it is a done deal and I am very grateful for that. Also, Grandma and I enjoyed a girl's night out Saturday night at Deseret Book. This is also one of our traditions for General Conference.We stood in line so that we would be one of the first hundred people to go in so we could claim our prize (this time around it was a plaque). Grandma was kind to buy me a book I wanted by Elder Holland (my early Christmas present!) and we waited a little while in hopes that we would win something. And win something we did! Grandma got a picture she thinks she might frame.
And then a trip to Grandma's would not be complete if we didn't stop for Chinese! Mmmmmm....I hope that is a tradition as well.
Grandma was so kind in that she let me go out into the back yard and pick apples and pick out tomatoes! MMMMmmm! Nothing like fresh fruit or veggies from a garden! Can you say scrumptious? And the best thing is I was worried I was going to get scurvy from not getting in my produce. Just kidding, but produce can be so expensive! I was so thankful and I think blessed. Grandma says the apples got just a little bit sweeter since we had a little chill the night before.
Well, Conference was in of itself wonderful as it always is. If you asked me what my favorite talk was, I wouldn't be able to tell you since that is like asking me what my favorite scripture is! But I thought they were all wonderful and I really enjoyed finding themes throughout the whole conference. But I'll get to that in a little bit.
A friend from home drove up also for a mission reunion and got tickets to the Sunday morning session and invited me to go with him. Who can pass that up? It was so cool to get there early because the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing the Spoken Word. We got to hear it I think twice as they ran through the pieces at least once before they went on. As a music major it was absolutely fascinating! I was able to hear things with the aural skills I have been developing and I payed closer attention to the conductor's conducting. It was so unique, but I think I was able to understand the reasons behind his style. It was amazing! It was also amazing to see the prophet walk in and every voice be quieted. There was a reverence that followed in the whole Conference Center.
But I have a funny story concerning the friend I was with. So I became increasingly aware that he did have stronger feelings for me then I had anticipated. I mean, I knew he liked me, but as time went on, he would say certain things, and I could just feel apprehension rising within me. I really wanted to avoid him bringing up a DTR or asking how I felt about him. Before I left for school I had thought that I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested in a relationship and that I was fine with being "just friends". But some people just are persistent I guess. So I was already freaked out and was doing everything I could to direct attention to where we were going, or the conference itself, or the lovely choir. When we got out of the Conference Center, so far so good. We walked across temple square and I let him escort me. I thought that was only polite and it wouldn't allow him to try to hold my hand or something. So as we were walking towards the parking garage where we were parked he glanced behind his shoulder and and said, "Well, no one is behind us so this is as good a place as any," released his arm from my grip and dropped to one knee. I think I was in shock first and then I was frantic. He grabbed my hand and then said, "I have to tie my shoe." What a tease! I couldn't believe that he had succeeded in pumping so much adrenaline into my system in less than a minute! I think we did share a good laugh from the experience.
Listening to Conference, I couldn't help but notice that a lot of what the speakers were saying seemed directed towards friends I have out on mission. At least in the first two sessions. Usually I find things which seem to be directed towards me personally a lot easier. Like in the Relief Society broadcast. I had felt a lot of the things said did apply to me and my Relief Society President since we were serving in the presidency together. During this one, it seemed to me personally, that a lot of what they were saying were things that I was already working on or had developed my testimony on especially within the past year. After Conference I did make a connection when I was sitting in one of my classes. I noticed a couple of themes and talks that connected with each other. A particular topic I think I felt most strongly about was love. How appropriate for our time! Especially since people have defined our generation as the "me generation". I have always thought of love as the most powerful thing in the universe! I'm going to site a scripture, but I'm going to replace a word with "love". I hope I'm not being blasphemous by doing so, but I feel this is my logic. 2 Nephi 2:13: "And if ye say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness [ or love], there be no happiness. And if there be no [love] or happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." If this word substitution is valid, then without love there is no God, for God is love (please see 1 John 4:7-12). And certainly without love the atonement would not have happened and everything would be lost (Mosiah 16L4). But what about in our own daily lives? Are we utilizing that? And how would we utilize it? While sitting in class a (not the connection because there are so many concerning love) connection came to me. Conference focused on Love, Revelation & The Spirit, and Families (at least that is how I saw it). Now, these are all related and centered around love. Simply stated: Because you sincerely love your family you can receive revelation through the Holy Ghost as to how best to serve them. I believe this is especially true of parents. For one of the fruits of the Spirit is love (Galations 5:22)! Especially in the world we live in where child abuse (verbal or otherwise), neglect and other family issues are so prevalent. If we sincerely love those we associate we can very much serve them in capacities we did not imagine. Our Love can also be measured in sacrifice. M. Russel Ballard once said, "The degree of our love for the Lord, for the gospel, and for our fellowman can be measured by what we are willing to sacrifice for them. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ manifested the supreme example of this love." If we truly recognize the family as "central to the Creator's Plan (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)" and the sanctity of marriage, can it be assumed that we would sacrifice the things of the world to open the windows of heaven to us and our families. Can this love from our hearts be motivation to come unto Christ and allow his spirit to come into our homes? I say yes. I also testify that the commandments from the scriptures and prophets will not be a nuisance. We will find our stony heart will be replaced with a fleshy heart within ourselves (2 Corinthians 3:3). We will find ourselves wanting to be better. We will recognize the blessings of righteous living and thirst after it.
Most importantly, we are not Alone in this quest. We have a Loving Lord and Savior who invites us to come to him continually. He will never forsake us, thus we must "never no never forsake" (Hymn No. 85).