I realize it has been a while since I have written about my husband and me. I suppose that is because there is not much to report. We are just enjoying our routine life. We are both taking classes, happy, and busy! But I guess that is normal. I wouldn't say our life it tedious, but it is regular, with a fixed schedule and routine.
I wanted just to say a few words about this life style, since it is typical of most people. We get into the "swing of things" and we are living the same day every day, week to week, month to month, (for us semester to semester). There is nothing wrong with this in of itself, but there is the tendency for us to think that our days are so familiar to us that nothing can change. Consequently, we let our guard down. If we have never been in trouble before then why would we get into trouble now? This is an association fallacy. Because we associate our day with the other days we have lived, we assume that this day will be no different than the others!
In Alma 15 we hear about a "great check" among the people (vs 17). What is a great check? It means the people checked themselves from time to time. They knew that over a duration of time their way of life could and would morph if they didn't keep it in check. It says that the people were "checked as to the pride of their hearts, and began to humble themselves before God."
I'd like to draw upon another example in the scriptures. In Helaman we read about the capture of Zarahemla. Now how does a Lamanite army manage to waltz into the center of the Nephite land and capture their capital city? It says in verse 18 that it was because the Nephites didn't have "sufficient guard in the land of Zarahemla; for they had supposed that the Lamanites durst not come into the heart of their lands to attack that great city Zarahemla." So it would seem that when they thought they were safe, they were the most vulnerable.
This is why we need to listen to the men in the watchtower (a.k.a. the prophets - past and present) and keep a constant watch on ourselves. We must vigilantly safegaurd ourselves by praying and reading the scriptures (Sunday School answers). We need to be doing these things regularly and with intent; exercising our faith. If we pray daily, we are promised eternal life. "...when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day" (Alma 37:37). We need that constant help. Just when we are too comfortable, we may think we don't need the help. Oh, but that is when we are most vulnerable to the most malicious of predators - those who wish to possess our soul.
Daily scripture study is also imperative to our personal defense. "It is certain that one who studies the scriptures every day accomplishes far more than one who devotes considerable time one day and then lets days go by before continuing. Not only should we study each day, but there should be a regular time set aside when we can concentrate without interference...The important thing is to allow nothing else to interfere with our study" (Howard W. Hunter).
In this wise, we will Never be left Alone to fight the battle - the battle that is ever present. In the armor of God there is only one offensive weapon: the sword. This particular sword represents the Spirit, which is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17). When we read our scripture we are becoming familiar with the word of God and when we sincerly pray we are beckoning the spirit to be with us. This companion - this great gift from our Father - can help us discern traps, equipped with a single flaxen chord, before we walk right into them. This invaluable ally must be sincerely sought. David A. Bednar, in this last Conference said: "We more readily receive and recognize the Spirit of the Lord as we appropriately invite Him into our lives. We cannot compel, coerce, or command the Holy Ghost. Rather, we should invite Him into our lives with the same gentleness and tenderness by which He entreats us."
I testify that this is true. We need to be steadily aware of our weaknesses, our follies, and our character that is so often subject to error. If we are aware of these things we will be more dependent on Christ and our Heavenly Father. We will develop a close bond with him. We will be able to cultivate His Spirit in our homes. We will feel a closeness to our Savior. We will not doubt where we stand with God. I testify T\these eternal ties will lift us up at the last day.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Goldsmith's Face
Refinement is an interesting word. In society, when some one is "high class" they may be boast this quality of refinement (ok "refined lady" may be a little old-fashioned, but bear with me). They are in essence,getting rid of all that is not acceptable in such a society. They are not coarse or vulgar. They are genteel, elegant, and polite. They are subtle and discriminate (according to the dictionary). This could also mean that they are discriminate in what traits they should adopt. So, through their discrimination they are free from impurities, and they are purified.
Though, in the scriptures, refinement is symbolically represented by a purging of precious metals, the concept is the same. In the Bible, Book of Mormon and D&C, the refiner's fie is purging and making pure. As we are being purged, we are also setting at naught all those things that re not of God. We are being discriminate. But there is a process by which we do this. To be refined, it seems that we have to go through a lot of heat. In Isaiah 48:10, the scripture indicates that refinement may be brought about by affliction.
God knows that by trials we grow stronger. He wants us to return to him, so he sometimes allows trials to come upon us. Trials can do 1 of 2 things:They can bring us closer to God, or they can repel us further away. What distinguishes between the two is not the nature of the trial, but our own nature. We are the deciding factor. It is my hope that through our tribulation we would be brought closer to Christ. Through our trials, we may become stronger. This is illustrated in John 15:2. The branch that brings forth (good) fruit will be purged so that it may bring forth more fruit. There is a purpose in our afflictions. James E. Faust said, "There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge they purify, and thus they bless." Through our trials we can bring forth more good fruit - more good qualities and refinement.
In this I do not meant to say that God will show forth his wrath in the attempt to purge us. No, He is not an afflicting God. President Joseph F. Smith taught that, "It is a feeble thought to believe that the illness and affliction that come to us are attributable either to the mercy or the displeasure of God." We see this illustrated int he story of Job int he Bible. Satan comes before the Lord and says that God has prospered Job for his obedience, but he suspects that if God did not "hedge about him" (shelter him from affliction) he would curse God. He proposes a plan: "But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face." Now read closely the Lord's reply: "Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand." See how the Lord did not curse Job? He merely granted permission to the dragon to -well- basically create havoc.
So it is with us. At times, the Lord will simply lift his arm of protection. But it will all work together for our good (D&C 122:7). Again, it is not the nature of the trial that brings us closer to God, but out nature. One great example of this is one of my favorite stories. One Sunday meeting, a group of people were criticizing the Martin and Willie Handcart companies because they left too late in the season. They seemed to think that because they left so late, they were responsible for the many deaths along the trail. One man in the back was quiet. Then he arose calmly, but with emotion in his face revealed that he had been a member of the Martin Handcart company. He proceeded to explain that through the hard times he had been a recipient of help from the angels. He had learned how to be stalwart. Then he said this: "Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company." Wow. He just said that the price he paid was worth what he gained: to become acquainted with God. It reminds me of the King of the Lamanites that the missionary, Aaron taught. He said, "I will give all my sins to know thee. This brings me to my next point.
I personally think that the refiners fire is something internal, rather than external. I will explain further. Alma the younger had an experience with an angel and was "touched by an angel" (he he). He was unconscious for three days! But while he was still unresponsive to the world around him, his mother and father were rejoicing that their prayers were being answered! Why? Because his heart was being changed. He went through and internal battle. He saw the bitterness of his own sins. He realized he would rather cease to exist than to face God with all his impurities. But then he called on the name of Jesus. His heart was changed and he was forgiven. He had been through the refiner's fire. (see the story of Paul, Acts 22)
Take another example, Enos. In Enos 1:2, Enos explains that his experience was a "wrestle" that he had before God. He said his soul "hungered" (Enos 1:4) as he knelt down to pray. He prayed all day! a good 12 hours perhaps! And then his prayer was answered with a forgiveness of sins. And why did he receive a forgiveness of sins? Because of his faith on the Savior (Enos 1:8), he was purified.
I think we all have to go through our own internal struggles. This change may be invoked by our trials as we try to draw strength from them, but I believe the true refinement takes place in the deep chambers of our hearts. As we strive to know our Savior, we tend to become more like him, and we bring forth good fruit. Then we discover more impurities and allow God to purify us again. This pattern is a cycle we encounter until all of our dross is removed and all that is left is a pure metal. What happens at this point? The metal is so pure that the Goldsmith's face is reflected in us. We become so pure, that his continence shines in us. Our visage resembles his, so that the people who don't know Christ can know Him because they know us. It is an extraordinary thing. And all the while, the Goldsmith and master is keeping diligent watch over us and our progress. We are Never Alone in our refinement.
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:2). Let us seek to develop in us the gold that does not perish through the trial of our faith within ourselves so that we may be found pure at the appearing of Jesus Christ.
Though, in the scriptures, refinement is symbolically represented by a purging of precious metals, the concept is the same. In the Bible, Book of Mormon and D&C, the refiner's fie is purging and making pure. As we are being purged, we are also setting at naught all those things that re not of God. We are being discriminate. But there is a process by which we do this. To be refined, it seems that we have to go through a lot of heat. In Isaiah 48:10, the scripture indicates that refinement may be brought about by affliction.
God knows that by trials we grow stronger. He wants us to return to him, so he sometimes allows trials to come upon us. Trials can do 1 of 2 things:They can bring us closer to God, or they can repel us further away. What distinguishes between the two is not the nature of the trial, but our own nature. We are the deciding factor. It is my hope that through our tribulation we would be brought closer to Christ. Through our trials, we may become stronger. This is illustrated in John 15:2. The branch that brings forth (good) fruit will be purged so that it may bring forth more fruit. There is a purpose in our afflictions. James E. Faust said, "There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge they purify, and thus they bless." Through our trials we can bring forth more good fruit - more good qualities and refinement.
In this I do not meant to say that God will show forth his wrath in the attempt to purge us. No, He is not an afflicting God. President Joseph F. Smith taught that, "It is a feeble thought to believe that the illness and affliction that come to us are attributable either to the mercy or the displeasure of God." We see this illustrated int he story of Job int he Bible. Satan comes before the Lord and says that God has prospered Job for his obedience, but he suspects that if God did not "hedge about him" (shelter him from affliction) he would curse God. He proposes a plan: "But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face." Now read closely the Lord's reply: "Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand." See how the Lord did not curse Job? He merely granted permission to the dragon to -well- basically create havoc.
So it is with us. At times, the Lord will simply lift his arm of protection. But it will all work together for our good (D&C 122:7). Again, it is not the nature of the trial that brings us closer to God, but out nature. One great example of this is one of my favorite stories. One Sunday meeting, a group of people were criticizing the Martin and Willie Handcart companies because they left too late in the season. They seemed to think that because they left so late, they were responsible for the many deaths along the trail. One man in the back was quiet. Then he arose calmly, but with emotion in his face revealed that he had been a member of the Martin Handcart company. He proceeded to explain that through the hard times he had been a recipient of help from the angels. He had learned how to be stalwart. Then he said this: "Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company." Wow. He just said that the price he paid was worth what he gained: to become acquainted with God. It reminds me of the King of the Lamanites that the missionary, Aaron taught. He said, "I will give all my sins to know thee. This brings me to my next point.
I personally think that the refiners fire is something internal, rather than external. I will explain further. Alma the younger had an experience with an angel and was "touched by an angel" (he he). He was unconscious for three days! But while he was still unresponsive to the world around him, his mother and father were rejoicing that their prayers were being answered! Why? Because his heart was being changed. He went through and internal battle. He saw the bitterness of his own sins. He realized he would rather cease to exist than to face God with all his impurities. But then he called on the name of Jesus. His heart was changed and he was forgiven. He had been through the refiner's fire. (see the story of Paul, Acts 22)
Take another example, Enos. In Enos 1:2, Enos explains that his experience was a "wrestle" that he had before God. He said his soul "hungered" (Enos 1:4) as he knelt down to pray. He prayed all day! a good 12 hours perhaps! And then his prayer was answered with a forgiveness of sins. And why did he receive a forgiveness of sins? Because of his faith on the Savior (Enos 1:8), he was purified.
I think we all have to go through our own internal struggles. This change may be invoked by our trials as we try to draw strength from them, but I believe the true refinement takes place in the deep chambers of our hearts. As we strive to know our Savior, we tend to become more like him, and we bring forth good fruit. Then we discover more impurities and allow God to purify us again. This pattern is a cycle we encounter until all of our dross is removed and all that is left is a pure metal. What happens at this point? The metal is so pure that the Goldsmith's face is reflected in us. We become so pure, that his continence shines in us. Our visage resembles his, so that the people who don't know Christ can know Him because they know us. It is an extraordinary thing. And all the while, the Goldsmith and master is keeping diligent watch over us and our progress. We are Never Alone in our refinement.
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:2). Let us seek to develop in us the gold that does not perish through the trial of our faith within ourselves so that we may be found pure at the appearing of Jesus Christ.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Don't Let Virtues Be A Vice
This semester I have been sufficiently humbled. I struggled in my degree, I struggled in my relationship with God, I struggled in my marriage, I struggled in about every aspect of life. I do not say these things on an extreme level, as the connotation denotes, but in the sense that I have not met my own goals or ambitions to the extent that I would wish. By saying this I do not wish to discount everything I said in my last post, but only to say that I am capable of better, and I have not wholly done my best.
This semester I had to come to grips with reality. I can't do everything I want to do simultaneously. I need to focus on one thing at a time, line upon line. This is something I have had to relearn. Isn't it interesting that through our mortal probation and essentially, our "test in life" we constantly have to review what we have studied, or learned. At least this is the case with me. I suppose I am human enough that I need constant, repeated lessons.
This past semester I was focusing on many things at once, which is expected, since at the university we are supposed to be learning many things at once. I was focussing on being a good wife, trying to fit time into my schedule for my husband, trying to learn to be a good singer, trying to be a good student, good member of the church, good friend, good family member, and god intellectual. I was trying to capture the spirit of learning, maintaining a good spirit in our home, being on good terms with my teachers, trying to not get sick, and show my love for my husband. All these little things add up! And these things are good things, but I have come to conclude that I need to focus on one or two things in all these categories, not every aspect of every category all at once. This would only slow down the learning process.
This past General Conference President Uchtdorf spoke on this matter. He said that it is easy to get busy, and when tough times come, it is easy to speed up as opposed to slowing down. It is as if an increase of pace will fix the problem, or in more palpable terms, it will speed up the time or event to make it that much more bearable. What happens happens. But this simply is not the case, we will be more benefitted if we slow down to attend to our problems then running away from them. We will learn so much more if we slow down and wholly learn concept than if we are cramming for a test or lesson we have to pump out.
This is especially applicable to me as a student. Welcome to the life of a music major. Everyone wants to finish on time, but hardly any music major does because unless things are planned out perfectly and everything goes perfectly, it won't be the case. So every music major is trying to finish school as fast as they can. I can't debate with that. I understand the motives of trying to finish fast. In my case, I want to start a family, I want to finish around the same time as my husband, I don't want to be an eternal student (well, sorta, I still want to be learning eternally). Also, a music major's schedule consists of a lot of classes, all about 2 or 1 credits each. This is not simply because the classes are easy. No sir. They are challenging and time consuming. It is because a music major has to take so X number of classes and there is a credit limit for the degree. I typical music major will be taking 6-10 classes per semester, that is, if they want to graduate as soon as possible. A music major is well aware of their surrounding peers. We are a tight-knit group of sorts. Everyone knows everyone and everyone's story. We know that so-and-so has a full schedule. Wow. That is admirable that they can do so much! President Uchtdorf said something that was really significant, "Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia - even during times of stress and fatigue." The truth is that we should not be running faster than we have strength (Mosiah 4:27)
True, we should be anxiously engaged in good causes (D&C 58:27), but not to the point of fatigue. If we fatigue our bodies, we fatigue our mind and spirit. The three go hand in hand.
Some might think that it is a sacrifice that will be rewarded if they just keep going on the way they are for a period of time and then slow down at a later date. Sacrifice is the giving up of something for something better. The consequences of an unhealthily-busy schedule are not worth the end. It is not a true sacrifice, but a self-pillage of our resources: our time, energy, and capabilities.
This is not to say that we should slow down to the point of idleness. But only until we can substitute out anxiety with enthusiasm. In this life we have assignments. We may be a teacher, mother, father, student, employer, employee. Think about your assignment at this time. " Our assignments are varied and they change from time to time. Don't take them lightly. Give them your full heart and energy. Do them with enthusiasm. ..To do less than this will leave you with an empty feeling " (Marjorie Pay Hinckley). Please whatever you are doing in life, do it in wisdom. I know I am trying to do the same. And I am Not Alone. I know that I can turn to my God to direct my path and help me accomplish my goals, for they are His. I hope to accomplish what He would have me. I encourage the same.
This semester I had to come to grips with reality. I can't do everything I want to do simultaneously. I need to focus on one thing at a time, line upon line. This is something I have had to relearn. Isn't it interesting that through our mortal probation and essentially, our "test in life" we constantly have to review what we have studied, or learned. At least this is the case with me. I suppose I am human enough that I need constant, repeated lessons.
This past semester I was focusing on many things at once, which is expected, since at the university we are supposed to be learning many things at once. I was focussing on being a good wife, trying to fit time into my schedule for my husband, trying to learn to be a good singer, trying to be a good student, good member of the church, good friend, good family member, and god intellectual. I was trying to capture the spirit of learning, maintaining a good spirit in our home, being on good terms with my teachers, trying to not get sick, and show my love for my husband. All these little things add up! And these things are good things, but I have come to conclude that I need to focus on one or two things in all these categories, not every aspect of every category all at once. This would only slow down the learning process.
This past General Conference President Uchtdorf spoke on this matter. He said that it is easy to get busy, and when tough times come, it is easy to speed up as opposed to slowing down. It is as if an increase of pace will fix the problem, or in more palpable terms, it will speed up the time or event to make it that much more bearable. What happens happens. But this simply is not the case, we will be more benefitted if we slow down to attend to our problems then running away from them. We will learn so much more if we slow down and wholly learn concept than if we are cramming for a test or lesson we have to pump out.
This is especially applicable to me as a student. Welcome to the life of a music major. Everyone wants to finish on time, but hardly any music major does because unless things are planned out perfectly and everything goes perfectly, it won't be the case. So every music major is trying to finish school as fast as they can. I can't debate with that. I understand the motives of trying to finish fast. In my case, I want to start a family, I want to finish around the same time as my husband, I don't want to be an eternal student (well, sorta, I still want to be learning eternally). Also, a music major's schedule consists of a lot of classes, all about 2 or 1 credits each. This is not simply because the classes are easy. No sir. They are challenging and time consuming. It is because a music major has to take so X number of classes and there is a credit limit for the degree. I typical music major will be taking 6-10 classes per semester, that is, if they want to graduate as soon as possible. A music major is well aware of their surrounding peers. We are a tight-knit group of sorts. Everyone knows everyone and everyone's story. We know that so-and-so has a full schedule. Wow. That is admirable that they can do so much! President Uchtdorf said something that was really significant, "Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia - even during times of stress and fatigue." The truth is that we should not be running faster than we have strength (Mosiah 4:27)
True, we should be anxiously engaged in good causes (D&C 58:27), but not to the point of fatigue. If we fatigue our bodies, we fatigue our mind and spirit. The three go hand in hand.
Some might think that it is a sacrifice that will be rewarded if they just keep going on the way they are for a period of time and then slow down at a later date. Sacrifice is the giving up of something for something better. The consequences of an unhealthily-busy schedule are not worth the end. It is not a true sacrifice, but a self-pillage of our resources: our time, energy, and capabilities.
This is not to say that we should slow down to the point of idleness. But only until we can substitute out anxiety with enthusiasm. In this life we have assignments. We may be a teacher, mother, father, student, employer, employee. Think about your assignment at this time. " Our assignments are varied and they change from time to time. Don't take them lightly. Give them your full heart and energy. Do them with enthusiasm. ..To do less than this will leave you with an empty feeling " (Marjorie Pay Hinckley). Please whatever you are doing in life, do it in wisdom. I know I am trying to do the same. And I am Not Alone. I know that I can turn to my God to direct my path and help me accomplish my goals, for they are His. I hope to accomplish what He would have me. I encourage the same.
Semester's Events in Five Minutes
It is a new semester, and a long time since I have last written, I admit. My husband and I are at the beginning of a new semester. So I will focus on catching up on this last past semester.
A lot has happened. First off, and most importantly, my husband and I can't help but notice that over the semester we have grown more in love and understand each other more. Of course, we have had our share of miscommunication, disagreements, etc. But we have always grown closer for them - not further apart. Indeed, we are very happy and our love for each other grows daily.
I suppose the reason why I haven't written until now is that classes have been very busy. I was taking about 14 credits and was teaching at the university again. It was all a very enjoyable experience, just very eventful. Both my husband and I did well in our classes. I was taking seven classes and got A's in all save two. I would say that it was a successful semester for me. I rarely got anything but an A on my tests and I knew my material. I just love to learn!
It was also successful because I got better at teaching. I was more confident in front of my students and used the strategies I had experimented with the previous semester.
My husband's and my temple attendance was also good and we made time for each other. Life was great!
I also made choir again and sang at a few concerts. In one concert I was given a "half" solo, as I like to call it. It wasn't anything big, but it was a good experience and good practice for me.
I also have been blessed with a very good voice instructor. He is extremely interested in the individual. What I mean by that is, he will cater to their needs, he is encouraging (most of the time, as a music major, you only hear what you did wrong, rarely what you actually did right), and he personally advocated for me at least twice. He'll pull you into his office to talk to you if there is a concern. Keep in mind that this guy is busy all the time - but he takes the time to help the individual. Very Christ-like man. He was a good example for me in my teaching. I have always tried to cater to the individual in my class, but if it meant taking time out of my personal time, I was a little more reluctant to help, as I was very busy.
Even through all the stresses of the semester we have been carefully cared for by God. All our needs have been provided as we have been doing our best to live within our means and frugally. We have been well-provided for and cared for. Especially me because I have such a great husband!
Also this semester my husband and I were called into the nursery, but then released after a few weeks, so my husband could serve in the elders quorum presidency. Our had so many children that it actually took two nurseries to maintain an orderly class. Whenever the two were combined, it was very hard to control the kids. But all in all, it was a fun experience! I learned that my husband is very good with kids, even though he still doesn't think he is.
Consistently through the semester, we have held family/friend get-togethers on Sundays. We have held desert parties, dinner dates, and an appetizer social. These were just ways to get family and friends together that we hadn't seen for a while. We didn't do them every Sunday, but most Sundays we would try. It is kind of our way of carrying on the tradition of my brother-in-law and his wife before they left the university. We are excited to continue the tradition, especially since we have more family up here with us now!
Also, this year we passed our first date anniversary: Halloween day. We didn't get very many trick-or-treaters, and my husband and I didn't get to do much thanks to homework, but we did try to celebrate it a little. More than anything it was fun for us to share what has happened since then. We really have come a long way since then. As went over our favorite memories together, we concluded that there were many more to make.
I am so grateful that my husband and I have so much time left together. Even if something should happen to one of us, we take great peace and happiness in knowing that we have an eternity to live together. We are so happy for eternal families. It is good to know that we will Never be Alone in our endeavors. We have a partner and friend that will accompany us through eternity. I am grateful for my best friend who can sing me back our song when I have forgotten the words.
A lot has happened. First off, and most importantly, my husband and I can't help but notice that over the semester we have grown more in love and understand each other more. Of course, we have had our share of miscommunication, disagreements, etc. But we have always grown closer for them - not further apart. Indeed, we are very happy and our love for each other grows daily.
I suppose the reason why I haven't written until now is that classes have been very busy. I was taking about 14 credits and was teaching at the university again. It was all a very enjoyable experience, just very eventful. Both my husband and I did well in our classes. I was taking seven classes and got A's in all save two. I would say that it was a successful semester for me. I rarely got anything but an A on my tests and I knew my material. I just love to learn!
It was also successful because I got better at teaching. I was more confident in front of my students and used the strategies I had experimented with the previous semester.
My husband's and my temple attendance was also good and we made time for each other. Life was great!
I also made choir again and sang at a few concerts. In one concert I was given a "half" solo, as I like to call it. It wasn't anything big, but it was a good experience and good practice for me.
I also have been blessed with a very good voice instructor. He is extremely interested in the individual. What I mean by that is, he will cater to their needs, he is encouraging (most of the time, as a music major, you only hear what you did wrong, rarely what you actually did right), and he personally advocated for me at least twice. He'll pull you into his office to talk to you if there is a concern. Keep in mind that this guy is busy all the time - but he takes the time to help the individual. Very Christ-like man. He was a good example for me in my teaching. I have always tried to cater to the individual in my class, but if it meant taking time out of my personal time, I was a little more reluctant to help, as I was very busy.
Even through all the stresses of the semester we have been carefully cared for by God. All our needs have been provided as we have been doing our best to live within our means and frugally. We have been well-provided for and cared for. Especially me because I have such a great husband!
Also this semester my husband and I were called into the nursery, but then released after a few weeks, so my husband could serve in the elders quorum presidency. Our had so many children that it actually took two nurseries to maintain an orderly class. Whenever the two were combined, it was very hard to control the kids. But all in all, it was a fun experience! I learned that my husband is very good with kids, even though he still doesn't think he is.
Consistently through the semester, we have held family/friend get-togethers on Sundays. We have held desert parties, dinner dates, and an appetizer social. These were just ways to get family and friends together that we hadn't seen for a while. We didn't do them every Sunday, but most Sundays we would try. It is kind of our way of carrying on the tradition of my brother-in-law and his wife before they left the university. We are excited to continue the tradition, especially since we have more family up here with us now!
Also, this year we passed our first date anniversary: Halloween day. We didn't get very many trick-or-treaters, and my husband and I didn't get to do much thanks to homework, but we did try to celebrate it a little. More than anything it was fun for us to share what has happened since then. We really have come a long way since then. As went over our favorite memories together, we concluded that there were many more to make.
I am so grateful that my husband and I have so much time left together. Even if something should happen to one of us, we take great peace and happiness in knowing that we have an eternity to live together. We are so happy for eternal families. It is good to know that we will Never be Alone in our endeavors. We have a partner and friend that will accompany us through eternity. I am grateful for my best friend who can sing me back our song when I have forgotten the words.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
New Husband, New Name, New Life
Married life is great! What can I say more?
I was married in the house of the Lord about five weeks ago. Most of my family made it to the wedding and were all there to support me. The day before the wedding I went through the temple for the first time. My mother was able to escort me and my sister and grandmother were there right by my side and supporting me the whole way. I was grateful for them because they helped me during the process and gave me helpful hints. But mostly I was glad they could share in the experience. Afterwords, my family took us out to eat for the occasion. It was a good chance for me to catch up and see family and friends. I still couldn't believe that I was getting married in the morning. There were persistent jokes that, "It wasn't too late to back out now!" haha. I couldn't imagine not getting married!
Needless to say, I hardly slept that night and I was up very early that morning with my sister who was gracious enough to do my hair even though she had a small son she was taking care of and still wanted to get ready herself. I was in the temple by 7:30 and waiting for the groom. There were items of business that had to be taken care of and then we were on our way! My mom was allowed to fuss over me and help me get prepared. I was a little on edge because, well, it was my wedding day and I was a little nervous! I couldn't believe it was happening (though at the same time, I did believe that it was happening), and didn't exactly want to look perfect for the ceremony, but wanted to prepare myself spiritually. I just felt like I was being rushed from one spot to the next and was afraid I wasn't going to get the right spirit into my heart. When I was completely dressed, my mother left to be escorted(?) or find the sealing room, and I was left in the bride's room again. I said a silent prayer for a time and then felt as if I should look up. I almost expected to see my grandmother there who had passed on (I'm a little embarrassed to hold myself in such respect. I was hoping to see her or feel her presence). When I did, I saw the temple worker waiting to escort me. I was taken to a room where I found my husband-to-very-soon-be and we together were taken to the celestial room where we waited to be escorted to the sealing room. We sat together and talked. I noticed another couple in the room together. They looked so happy and content with what they were doing. I wondered what we looked like. I knew my stomach was not exactly treating me very well, as I had only a chance to eat a small snack on the way over in the car with my mom. I knew I was nervous, but knew what I wanted to do.
We were escorted up to the room and before entering, met our sealer int he hallway. He was so cute and personable! He was interested in us, and we answered more questions. Then we were admitted into the room. I had been told what I was supposed to do, so I knew what was expected of me, but not entirely what I would be promising to God and my spouse. My goal was to listen as intently as possible so that I might be able to more sincerely commit to my covenants while in the making of them.
When I entered the room, my fear melted away. There were so many people there that I loved and that I knew loved me. We were the center of attention, which I was not exactly used to, but I couldn't help but feel over-joyed. They were all beaming at me! I sat in the designated spot and waited, holding my mother's hand and the hand of my fiance.
The ceremony was beautiful, and I cried through the part that was meant for my husband to participate in. Our particular sealer didn't want us to look at each other, which was a little disappointing, but I am half glad that my husband didn't see me cry. (It wasn't the most attractive thing in the world :)
After it was over, we were able to look in the mirrors and then were directed into the hallway with our parents. We did so and then in the hallway my husband did finally get a little emotional. He was so excited that we were a family.
The rest is history! We went and got pictures and then we were eventually finding ourselves at our luncheon. Most of the things we planned didn't run so smoothly, but I didn't mind. I was a little bummed that our first dance was cut short due to technical difficulties, but I didn't mind much else too bad. I wished my sister's song could have worked out more smoothly with the microphone, and that we didn't have to take time out to fix technical difficulties, but overall, it was just nice to be there with friends and family. In fact, my favorite parts were being able to talk to those who came to support me. It was all very sweet.
Of course, and indisputably, the temple has become even more a jewel to me. I have to say,the first time through was not what I was expecting, but I just could not wait to go back to gain a better understanding. I almost think I have it strait now, as we have been back weekly. We even attended a session on our honeymoon! But I have been so excited to learn more and more. Also, the more I pay attention to the words being said, the more I realize that everything is in sync with everything in the scriptures and everything I had already committed myself to, though not officially. It motivates me more to become better and do better now that I have made those commitments under covenant to my Heavenly Father. Also, I keep learning more and more! God helps me learn in more ways tan one. I just have to be willing to listen and have an open mind.
In my experience, I have always considered myself a person who learns intellectually, by thought process, as well as by the spirit's witness. I found I definitely do need to utilize both simultaneously while trying to get as much as I can out of the ceremony. I need to cognitively think and then allow the spirit to guide my thoughts. I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments and think I"m catching onto the swing of things. Being a newbie, I feel incompetent a lot of the times, where at other times I am at peace with what I have been able to accomplish thus far. I have felt in the past as if I have been plopped into a whole new world and get to discover it! Because those things are sacred, there is no room to discuss them or make mention of them outside the temple. This makes learning happen all within the walls of the temple and consequently, for brief periods of time, which causes me to want to return time and time again.
In addition to the new knowledge I am gaining through study and pondering in my heart, I cannot help but notice the spirit that ever present in the Lord's house (Even when I am upset or struggling internally, I am at peace in the temple). For I do believe our Lord and Savior does reside there. I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. But when you think about it, that is also a commandment.
Jacob 1:8 reads, "Wherefore, we would to God that we could persuade all men not to rebel against God, to provoke him to anger, but that all men would believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the world." We are to become so close to Christ that we not only walk the roads of Palestine with him (The Living Christ), or rather, study his life and follow it, but that we also bear the consequences of such actions. Weather it be the sting of personal sacrifice or the spite of the world, we need to be with Him 100%.
Once again, I repeat, I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. In Acts 5:42 it says that the Apostles departed from a council of Pharisees and rejoiced that "they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name." I know that I have covenanted at baptism to take his name upon me, and as a disciple of Christ, have the privilege of walking with him through the torrents of anger we have to pass through in this world. I know my covenants will keep me strong as I ponder over them continually in His holy house for I am Never Alone.
I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I am uneducated or close minded to believe there is a God. I know that I am very open minded to believe in him - in a being I only know to be real by faith conceived from personal discipline (we can only receive revelation if we live worthy of that gift) and prayer. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I married too young and that I should have first lived for a time with my boyfriend to "test" the relationship. I know that I have done the right thing by promising myself to my husband and by making a covenant with God. Because we are young we will grow together, and grow stronger for it. Instead of being intimate with a number of persons I will only be intimate with one. This love, unfeigned and unspotted, will be allowed to flourish and not be detained because it is growing in all sincerity and without fear. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I should be in the work force to get personal gain for myself and my family. I know that I and my family will be more benefited by my dedication to them of my time and talents, not my money. Why should I be expected to contribute my time and talents to a company or business that I hold no eternal bonds or covenants with and to whom I do not owe my undeviating attention? I know that I and my family will be blessed for my effort to bless them.
How do I know these things? I have studied and know that science has actually proven these truths. Research has indicated that a child who has been neglected does not develop the same way a child tho has not develops. I use the word neglected very loosely. I this may include children whose mothers are not there when they come home from school, or children whose parents, while even at home, do not give them the play time they deserve. Also statistically, couples to cohabit are less likely to have a lasting relationship. Every relationship will have its bumps and ruts, but those who are willing to work through those in love and harmony will always come out on top and not sever ties. But those who are not committed will detach themselves the minute they face opposition. This results in a lot of heartbreak and is detrimental to children involved. As for a belief in God, this is also, ironically supported by study. The organization of the earth itself, is a phenomenon that is inexplicable to the mind which studies its diversity and organic chemistry in depth. It is unbelievable! And even scientists who study for years cannot remotely compare to the intelligence it took to create this world. Even Einstein admitted that it would be merely impossible to inhabit the world we do without a creator to have given it direction. Also, science is always changing. God, however, is not. And nothing science seems to adequately discover is contrary to what we already know.
Alma made a similar argument when speaking with an anti-Christ named Nehor, who was requesting that Alma give him a sign to prove that there is a God. Alma said, "The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator."(Alma 30:44) But Alma also says, "And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself? Behold, I testify unto you that I do know that these things whereof I have spoken are true...Behold, I say unto you they are made known unto me by the Holy Spirit of God. ...for the Lord God hath made them manifest unto me by his Holy Spirit; and this is the spirit of revelation which is in me." Similarly, I cannot claim to know the things I know by the wisdom of men. For like Alma, I know of myself, but not by myself. I have also received a witness from God and I know these things are true. I know my marriage is pure, right, and virtuous. It has been sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise (D&C 132:19) and there is none who can destroy that or undermine it. This is the foundation for my new life.
I was married in the house of the Lord about five weeks ago. Most of my family made it to the wedding and were all there to support me. The day before the wedding I went through the temple for the first time. My mother was able to escort me and my sister and grandmother were there right by my side and supporting me the whole way. I was grateful for them because they helped me during the process and gave me helpful hints. But mostly I was glad they could share in the experience. Afterwords, my family took us out to eat for the occasion. It was a good chance for me to catch up and see family and friends. I still couldn't believe that I was getting married in the morning. There were persistent jokes that, "It wasn't too late to back out now!" haha. I couldn't imagine not getting married!
Needless to say, I hardly slept that night and I was up very early that morning with my sister who was gracious enough to do my hair even though she had a small son she was taking care of and still wanted to get ready herself. I was in the temple by 7:30 and waiting for the groom. There were items of business that had to be taken care of and then we were on our way! My mom was allowed to fuss over me and help me get prepared. I was a little on edge because, well, it was my wedding day and I was a little nervous! I couldn't believe it was happening (though at the same time, I did believe that it was happening), and didn't exactly want to look perfect for the ceremony, but wanted to prepare myself spiritually. I just felt like I was being rushed from one spot to the next and was afraid I wasn't going to get the right spirit into my heart. When I was completely dressed, my mother left to be escorted(?) or find the sealing room, and I was left in the bride's room again. I said a silent prayer for a time and then felt as if I should look up. I almost expected to see my grandmother there who had passed on (I'm a little embarrassed to hold myself in such respect. I was hoping to see her or feel her presence). When I did, I saw the temple worker waiting to escort me. I was taken to a room where I found my husband-to-very-soon-be and we together were taken to the celestial room where we waited to be escorted to the sealing room. We sat together and talked. I noticed another couple in the room together. They looked so happy and content with what they were doing. I wondered what we looked like. I knew my stomach was not exactly treating me very well, as I had only a chance to eat a small snack on the way over in the car with my mom. I knew I was nervous, but knew what I wanted to do.
We were escorted up to the room and before entering, met our sealer int he hallway. He was so cute and personable! He was interested in us, and we answered more questions. Then we were admitted into the room. I had been told what I was supposed to do, so I knew what was expected of me, but not entirely what I would be promising to God and my spouse. My goal was to listen as intently as possible so that I might be able to more sincerely commit to my covenants while in the making of them.
When I entered the room, my fear melted away. There were so many people there that I loved and that I knew loved me. We were the center of attention, which I was not exactly used to, but I couldn't help but feel over-joyed. They were all beaming at me! I sat in the designated spot and waited, holding my mother's hand and the hand of my fiance.
The ceremony was beautiful, and I cried through the part that was meant for my husband to participate in. Our particular sealer didn't want us to look at each other, which was a little disappointing, but I am half glad that my husband didn't see me cry. (It wasn't the most attractive thing in the world :)
After it was over, we were able to look in the mirrors and then were directed into the hallway with our parents. We did so and then in the hallway my husband did finally get a little emotional. He was so excited that we were a family.
The rest is history! We went and got pictures and then we were eventually finding ourselves at our luncheon. Most of the things we planned didn't run so smoothly, but I didn't mind. I was a little bummed that our first dance was cut short due to technical difficulties, but I didn't mind much else too bad. I wished my sister's song could have worked out more smoothly with the microphone, and that we didn't have to take time out to fix technical difficulties, but overall, it was just nice to be there with friends and family. In fact, my favorite parts were being able to talk to those who came to support me. It was all very sweet.
Of course, and indisputably, the temple has become even more a jewel to me. I have to say,the first time through was not what I was expecting, but I just could not wait to go back to gain a better understanding. I almost think I have it strait now, as we have been back weekly. We even attended a session on our honeymoon! But I have been so excited to learn more and more. Also, the more I pay attention to the words being said, the more I realize that everything is in sync with everything in the scriptures and everything I had already committed myself to, though not officially. It motivates me more to become better and do better now that I have made those commitments under covenant to my Heavenly Father. Also, I keep learning more and more! God helps me learn in more ways tan one. I just have to be willing to listen and have an open mind.
In my experience, I have always considered myself a person who learns intellectually, by thought process, as well as by the spirit's witness. I found I definitely do need to utilize both simultaneously while trying to get as much as I can out of the ceremony. I need to cognitively think and then allow the spirit to guide my thoughts. I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments and think I"m catching onto the swing of things. Being a newbie, I feel incompetent a lot of the times, where at other times I am at peace with what I have been able to accomplish thus far. I have felt in the past as if I have been plopped into a whole new world and get to discover it! Because those things are sacred, there is no room to discuss them or make mention of them outside the temple. This makes learning happen all within the walls of the temple and consequently, for brief periods of time, which causes me to want to return time and time again.
In addition to the new knowledge I am gaining through study and pondering in my heart, I cannot help but notice the spirit that ever present in the Lord's house (Even when I am upset or struggling internally, I am at peace in the temple). For I do believe our Lord and Savior does reside there. I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. But when you think about it, that is also a commandment.
Jacob 1:8 reads, "Wherefore, we would to God that we could persuade all men not to rebel against God, to provoke him to anger, but that all men would believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the world." We are to become so close to Christ that we not only walk the roads of Palestine with him (The Living Christ), or rather, study his life and follow it, but that we also bear the consequences of such actions. Weather it be the sting of personal sacrifice or the spite of the world, we need to be with Him 100%.
Once again, I repeat, I am humbled to think that I have the privilege to walk where He has walked. In Acts 5:42 it says that the Apostles departed from a council of Pharisees and rejoiced that "they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name." I know that I have covenanted at baptism to take his name upon me, and as a disciple of Christ, have the privilege of walking with him through the torrents of anger we have to pass through in this world. I know my covenants will keep me strong as I ponder over them continually in His holy house for I am Never Alone.
I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I am uneducated or close minded to believe there is a God. I know that I am very open minded to believe in him - in a being I only know to be real by faith conceived from personal discipline (we can only receive revelation if we live worthy of that gift) and prayer. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I married too young and that I should have first lived for a time with my boyfriend to "test" the relationship. I know that I have done the right thing by promising myself to my husband and by making a covenant with God. Because we are young we will grow together, and grow stronger for it. Instead of being intimate with a number of persons I will only be intimate with one. This love, unfeigned and unspotted, will be allowed to flourish and not be detained because it is growing in all sincerity and without fear. I am despised of the world because it would have me believe that I should be in the work force to get personal gain for myself and my family. I know that I and my family will be more benefited by my dedication to them of my time and talents, not my money. Why should I be expected to contribute my time and talents to a company or business that I hold no eternal bonds or covenants with and to whom I do not owe my undeviating attention? I know that I and my family will be blessed for my effort to bless them.
How do I know these things? I have studied and know that science has actually proven these truths. Research has indicated that a child who has been neglected does not develop the same way a child tho has not develops. I use the word neglected very loosely. I this may include children whose mothers are not there when they come home from school, or children whose parents, while even at home, do not give them the play time they deserve. Also statistically, couples to cohabit are less likely to have a lasting relationship. Every relationship will have its bumps and ruts, but those who are willing to work through those in love and harmony will always come out on top and not sever ties. But those who are not committed will detach themselves the minute they face opposition. This results in a lot of heartbreak and is detrimental to children involved. As for a belief in God, this is also, ironically supported by study. The organization of the earth itself, is a phenomenon that is inexplicable to the mind which studies its diversity and organic chemistry in depth. It is unbelievable! And even scientists who study for years cannot remotely compare to the intelligence it took to create this world. Even Einstein admitted that it would be merely impossible to inhabit the world we do without a creator to have given it direction. Also, science is always changing. God, however, is not. And nothing science seems to adequately discover is contrary to what we already know.
Alma made a similar argument when speaking with an anti-Christ named Nehor, who was requesting that Alma give him a sign to prove that there is a God. Alma said, "The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator."(Alma 30:44) But Alma also says, "And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself? Behold, I testify unto you that I do know that these things whereof I have spoken are true...Behold, I say unto you they are made known unto me by the Holy Spirit of God. ...for the Lord God hath made them manifest unto me by his Holy Spirit; and this is the spirit of revelation which is in me." Similarly, I cannot claim to know the things I know by the wisdom of men. For like Alma, I know of myself, but not by myself. I have also received a witness from God and I know these things are true. I know my marriage is pure, right, and virtuous. It has been sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise (D&C 132:19) and there is none who can destroy that or undermine it. This is the foundation for my new life.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
When They Think They Are Learned They Think They Are Wise
Another semester is behind me, and I am ready to be married! But instead of talking about all the wedding preparations and the excitement of the future, I want to pause and take a moment to record my experience in one of the classes I was taking this past semester.
I had the wonderful opportunity to take an ethics class. It was a philosophy 300 level class, and the professor was intimidating. For one who had never taken a philosophy class of any kind, I was a little blown away during the first week. My professor is wanted at well-known and accredited universities such as Princeton, Yale, Brigham Young University (in Provo) and others. But he ended up at our university, with a little apprehension, after hearkening to the promptings of the spirit. This guy is the real deal. He not only teaches philosophy and logic at the university, but he also teaches religious courses. He has done some travel in his career, giving seminars. But, the class was an enlightening experience.
I did well in the class, despite the initial shock. I did well on all our exams, though most of my classmates failed theirs, and I did well on my papers, which was also unusual. I felt like I understood the material and took the time out to reflectively contemplate what I was learning.
But I do not say this to boast of myself, but to make the point that I understood the material to make my next point.
In the class we spent a lot of our time pointing out what was wrong with each theory. Thought the smartest minds of the philosophical world were put to use to concoct an ethical theory to combat the rest and solve life's mysteries, no on could do it. They all fell short (on a side note I loved the class because it also taught us how to think logically and thoroughly, though that was not the purpose of the class. It more turned out to be the direct consequence of our study.)
But the gospel is unquestionable. It really is flawless. How grateful I feel for the blessings of the gospel in its fullness! I think too many times we do not turn to the ultimate source of truth, but set it at naught (1 Nephi 19:7). Our hearts are just not in the right place. Our immediate attention is not centered on our Lord's church and gospel that he organized. It is a matter of pride. President Benson stated that there was no such thing as righteous pride, and Alma taught that wickedness never was happiness (Alma 41:10). We will always fall short if we do not turn to truth.
Speaking of when the gospel was first taken from the earth after the death of Christ, Jeffery R. Holland says, "Doctrines were corrupted and unauthorized changes were made in Church ordinances and Church organization. Scholasticism replaced inspiration, philosophy obscured what had been simple truths, and false ideas crept in everywhere. Much of the knowledge of the true character and nature of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost was lost."We see that when we depend upon the arm of the flesh, we will lose the simplicity, yet precious truths that we take for granted. Nephi said, "for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm."
I love learning. The class was enlightening and inspiring, yet there was something missing, though I knew the material. I came to realize that we really are nothing. As Moses learned through his encounter with our Lord, man is nothing (Moses 1:10). There is nothing more satisfying and real than the gospel of Jesus Christ. And jointly, we can become what God intends for we are never alone. He will be there to make up the difference. Our "puny arm" of the flesh will become strong (D&C 121:33).
I had the wonderful opportunity to take an ethics class. It was a philosophy 300 level class, and the professor was intimidating. For one who had never taken a philosophy class of any kind, I was a little blown away during the first week. My professor is wanted at well-known and accredited universities such as Princeton, Yale, Brigham Young University (in Provo) and others. But he ended up at our university, with a little apprehension, after hearkening to the promptings of the spirit. This guy is the real deal. He not only teaches philosophy and logic at the university, but he also teaches religious courses. He has done some travel in his career, giving seminars. But, the class was an enlightening experience.
I did well in the class, despite the initial shock. I did well on all our exams, though most of my classmates failed theirs, and I did well on my papers, which was also unusual. I felt like I understood the material and took the time out to reflectively contemplate what I was learning.
But I do not say this to boast of myself, but to make the point that I understood the material to make my next point.
In the class we spent a lot of our time pointing out what was wrong with each theory. Thought the smartest minds of the philosophical world were put to use to concoct an ethical theory to combat the rest and solve life's mysteries, no on could do it. They all fell short (on a side note I loved the class because it also taught us how to think logically and thoroughly, though that was not the purpose of the class. It more turned out to be the direct consequence of our study.)
But the gospel is unquestionable. It really is flawless. How grateful I feel for the blessings of the gospel in its fullness! I think too many times we do not turn to the ultimate source of truth, but set it at naught (1 Nephi 19:7). Our hearts are just not in the right place. Our immediate attention is not centered on our Lord's church and gospel that he organized. It is a matter of pride. President Benson stated that there was no such thing as righteous pride, and Alma taught that wickedness never was happiness (Alma 41:10). We will always fall short if we do not turn to truth.
Speaking of when the gospel was first taken from the earth after the death of Christ, Jeffery R. Holland says, "Doctrines were corrupted and unauthorized changes were made in Church ordinances and Church organization. Scholasticism replaced inspiration, philosophy obscured what had been simple truths, and false ideas crept in everywhere. Much of the knowledge of the true character and nature of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost was lost."We see that when we depend upon the arm of the flesh, we will lose the simplicity, yet precious truths that we take for granted. Nephi said, "for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm."
I love learning. The class was enlightening and inspiring, yet there was something missing, though I knew the material. I came to realize that we really are nothing. As Moses learned through his encounter with our Lord, man is nothing (Moses 1:10). There is nothing more satisfying and real than the gospel of Jesus Christ. And jointly, we can become what God intends for we are never alone. He will be there to make up the difference. Our "puny arm" of the flesh will become strong (D&C 121:33).
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Ten Keys
So I wrote a paper for my marriage class and wanted to share it :)
Top Ten Keys of Marriage
By Aubrey Colvin
Firstly, before I share the ten principles of marriage that I believe to be the most beneficial to enable a successful marriage, I must preface my presentation with a brief lecture on charity, or more commonly known as love. With every aspect of marriage love plays an essential factor. It is our supreme motivator, advocate, welding link, and power.
When Christ made the ultimate sacrifice he not only allowed his life to be taken, but he also suffered for our sins. Every pain that we have ever experienced was replayed or produced before they had ever occurred. Because of the atonement’s infinite nature all are encompassed by it. In Tad A. Callister’s, The Infinite Atonement, he expresses that the atonement (in a nutshell) was infinite in time, power, coverage, depth, suffering, and lastly, love. In order to be able to complete the atonement, Christ had to love us with a deep love. We as imperfect beings find it hard to comprehend such a miraculous thing. Though the Savior begged to have the cup pass from him (Matthew 26:39), he knew his role and that our hope depended on him. He had compassion on us and underwent the atoning sacrifice.
Because of this love that he has for us, one can imagine how much He desires for us to be happy and utilize his atonement. This will come up in our discussion later, however I must convey the certainty I feel that Christ wants us to also love our neighbor, or those that he suffered for. The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). We must know that God loves his children and encourages us to do the same. In order to make a marriage work, the important element of love is essential in every aspect. If we truly love someone, we will be able to fulfill the principles of marriage that will be discussed.
• Active Listening
This is a strategy used by many programs and especially marriage councilors. The idea is that while one partner is expressing what she/he is feeling or their concerns, the other partner is listening, and then makes sure they understand what their partner is saying by repeating what they heard until the partner who was talking first verifies that they are getting the right idea. They may use preface these ideas by using phrases such as, “I’m hearing…,” “I’m getting that….,” “So, what you’re saying is….,” etc. Active listeners have been trained to use this technique to improve their marriages because it is a concrete, civil way to negotiate a disagreement.
But in order for active listening to be effective, one must realize that their heart must be in it. If a listener is not sincere, no matter how well their technique is, it will mean nothing to a couple in the long run. A listener who is getting the gist out of a conversation may not internalize that it is a true concern of the other partner, that what they are expressing is a genuine concern that should become their own, or that they should actually do something about it!
If a couple incorporated their love for each other in active listening, the conversation would change dramatically. Instead of begrudgingly listening in order to pass the “test” as to weather they understood what they were being told correctly, they would start to not only understand what was being said, but they would begin to understand their partner. Once this is accomplished, a couple may move forward.
• Validation
Another strategy is validation. When there is a disagreement, couples may be asked to validate each other, or rather their feelings. This is suspending judgment, and accepting one’s partner for who they are even though they may disagree on a particular judgment. It may help a couple understand that they are still a united couple because they can understand one another’s points of views. They are not to be criticized for the way they feel.
Again, if this strategy is merely played out, one cannot receive the desired effect. Validation should not be a means to pass judgment on a partner, but rather, be the mean by which that effect is expressed.
It is hard not to pass judgment on those that do not see things our way. Satan and his followers own the most common rut we find ourselves in. It is the illusion that we see things as they are – better than the rest of the world, including our spouse. This is a mindset that serves as a barrier between our spouse and us. Not only do would we find ourselves disconnected to our spouse, but also God.
• Overcoming Pride
Pride is an enormous contributor to almost every marital conflict. Pride is not liberating, as most will initially believe, but it is captivating. It works against us in all relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. Going along with our previous topic, we find that pride condemns us to thinking that all our own ideas are superior to our spouse’s. This will ultimately, conspicuously end in conflict.
Ezra Taft Benson defined pride as enmity. Enmity towards God and our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” Those are some strong words. Is he suggesting that anytime we feel rebellious, hard-hearted, unrepentant, or easily offended we are being proud? Of course! Pride takes many forms and is more around us than we may realize from day to day. It will take a lot of practice to be able to identify pride from day to day. But one thing is constant that we know: pride is always a sin.
In our marriages we must know that if there is conflict or opposition, pride, or enmity, is involved. In that moment where the natural man is working against us, physically as well as emotionally, we do not always have the eternal perspective to see that pride is working against us, not in favor of us, and that it is inhibiting our progress in our quest for eternal life and successful marriages. Darkness cannot coincide with light. Pride cannot coincide with true compromise and harmony in our marriages.
• Change from Within
Though it is natural to have pride, this does not exempt us from hope. We know that change, or repentance is possible. In our marriages we must realize that we cannot and should not try to change our partner, but we can only change and focus on ourselves.
Again, love becomes an imperative factor on this matter. Love can motivate us to change for the benefit of our partner. If was are truly actively listening and validating in love as opposed to merely duty, as mentioned before, we will find ourselves trying to change our nature to better facilitate the rectification of conflict.
Change is caused by principles of the gospel. It is our change from within, or the changing of our hearts that compel the changing of our outside behaviors. Boyd K. Packer once said, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.” If we practice good behaviors out of obligation alone, and not out of the desire of our hearts, it will mean next to nothing in our marriage. It will become a façade, mocking the divine relationship God intended us to have. But rather, when we turn our lives over to God, he will inspire us to utilize the atonement in our lives and repentance, or change, will take place. Emerson once said, “The only gift is a portion of thyself.” The greatest gift we can ever give our spouse, or the only gift we can give back to the Savior, is our hearts turned towards the right source of power.
• Sacrifice
One of the best demonstrations of love is sacrifice. Not only do we sacrifice our nature to God to better improve our marriage, but also we must sacrifice our time. The definition of sacrifice is to give up something for something greater or better. This means that though we really want to satisfy our wants and desires, we must put our partner’s wants and desires ahead of our own. Now, one might look at this and say, “Wow. That is a huge risk. Don’t my dreams matter? Don’t my needs and desires count for something?” The answer is of course. There needs to be a balance in one’s life in order to maintain stability and order. I submit that dreams and desires, in a marriage, should be focused on the other partner. This will actually bring happiness. Catherine Thomas once said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.”
There are many ways to sacrifice time and effort so as to let a spouse know that we love them. John M. Gottman lists an idea in his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” John Gottman has studies many couples for years and come up with his own theories as to what makes marriage work and what doesn’t by observation and then took his theories to develop his own counseling strategies. He began to notice from couples who entered his workshops that marriages that functioned healthily had something in common. They were devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. That doesn’t seem like a lot, right? But it was a consistent pattern in marriages. Here are the things the five hours included:
- During partings (in the morning usually before work) couples learned about one thing that was happening in their spouse’s life that day
- When the couple was reunited they engaged in stress-relieving conversation (usually at the end of a workday)
- Everyday the couples found some way to communicate admiration and appreciation to their spouse (VERY important)
- Couples found ways everyday to show their affection and in that affection not hold back love due to irritations built up over the day
- A weekly date was planned that allowed the couple’s time together be spent building their connection. The stress of the week is laid aside, and the couple is able to turn towards each other.
This may not seem like a lot, and thinking in terms of time consumption it may not be, but it makes a difference. Just a little amount of time dedicated to a loved one makes all the difference. It shows little by little, but more importantly, consistently that the spouse one loves so dearly is cared about and loved.
In a marriage we are taught to obey a celestial law. Ezra Taft Benson said, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on the earth and the establishment of Zion.” We know that Zion is built on eternal principles. Therefore we know that the law of consecration must be a part of our lives in the little Zion that we create in our families. I have not been through the temple, and do not claim to fully understand the covenants made within, but I do know that the joining of two people within those walls is the creating of on entity. What is mine becomes my spouse’s and what is my spouse’s becomes mine. This includes everything. Our dreams become each other’s dreams. Our hopes become each other’s hopes. Our desires become one. Of course this is not easy. There is the unmistakable possibility of conflict, and that is where consecration comes in. We must both learn to take it all and lay it on the alter. If there is some petty habit that comes between my husband and me it must be done away with. If there is something that frustrates me and is causing me to question my spouse’s divine nature, it must be done away with. Just as the Lamanite king in the Book of Mormon desired to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), so must I give away all factors that damage a marriage to know the godliness of my spouse’s soul.
One might think that this is asking too much of one person. But remember that sacrifice is the giving up of one thing for the greater benefit. One will be happier for merely the opportunity to sacrifice. Joseph Smith once said, “A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation…” Remember that marriage plays an essential role in our salvation. Let us have faith in the covenants we have made. Because of our sacrifices, our marriage will benefit far greater than what the sacrifices cost us. Our faith will grow in the celestial covenant we made.
- Do Not Focus On Negativity
Sometimes when you are the person that knows another person the best you get the best of both worlds. You know their strengths better than anyone else, and on the flip side, you know their weaknesses better than anyone else. It is easy to slip into a pattern of negative concern when one has the option of the two.
One might think that they have unlocked the truth about their spouse. “The rest of the world views them as this wonderful person, but I know what they are really like,” one might say. One need only realize that, as with anything, there is opposition in all things and that it is a matter of choice as to weather to focus on the negative qualities of a spouse or to focus on their good qualities. As a spouse, we can undoubtedly assume that we know our wife or husband in a way know one else does. We know tenderness that could be shielded from the rest of the world. We know acts of kindness and service that no other being has witnessed. It may be that our spouse is a hard worker that they never receive credit for. These are the things that need are attention and gratitude.
One of my favorite optimists was President Gordon B. Hinckley. He once said, “Be happy in all that which you do – cultivate a spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk one to another. Let the light of the gospel shine in your faces wherever you go and in whatever you do.” In this excerpt I can’t help but notice words that induce action. He says cultivate, subdue, and overcome. A good attitude is one that facilitates these actions, but does not bring them about in of itself. One must act for one’s self. Adversity will never completely be absent, but if one is able to focus on the positives, it will make the process that much easier.
- Love Maps
One way to look at one’s spouse positively is to build love maps. This is also a strategy used by Gottman. He says that love maps are “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” This is where you explore the things in their day-to-day life, where you store their favorites color, food, and activity. This is where you know when they have a bad day and how to best help them bounce back.
In one of my favorite movies, Fireproof, the characters Michael Simmons and Caleb Holt discuss the “Love Dare” that Caleb’s father has presented to him in hopes that he save his marriage. Caleb reads from the “Love Dare” Book that one must study their partner. While a couple dates, their objective is to get to know one another as much as possible, but once married, sometimes they do not keep up with one another’s lives and do not continue to study one another. The idea the “Love Dare” was presenting was to continue one’s education. If one had earned a high school diploma on their spouse, then they should continue until earning a bachelor degree, followed by a masters, and so on.
Gottman notes in his book that from knowledge of our spouse’s love maps not only springs forth love, but stability when couples face storms. They know what makes each other tick and utilize that knowledge to strengthen their marriage. When hard times hit husbands and wives who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other is thinking and feeling are not taken off course.
- Recognizing the Four Horsemen and Avoiding Them
Also researched by Gottman is the concept of the “four horsemen” that ride to plunder and destroy marriages in the wake of complacency. These horsemen all have one thing in common: they are all manifestations of pride. They show up in conflict and are a common predictor of divorce in the studies of Gottman. They are identified as:
- Criticism
This is easily discerned in an argument when one spouse attacks the other spouse, as opposed to the issue at hand. Say one spouse forgets to take out the trash and the other complains by saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I am sick of always having to nag you to take out the trash!” This is not a complaint about trash anymore, but a complaint against the person who has not taken out the trash.
- Contempt
Contempt is identified, by Gottman, as the worst of the four horsemen. Contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor, or anything that portrays disgust. It is the most dangerous because it leads to more conflict. Can one take their partner seriously, if they are fighting back with an artillery of snide remarks?
- Defensiveness
Defensiveness may be one of the most natural responses in a conflict. But like contempt and criticism, it does not help resolve conflict. If one has been told that they should pick up their socks once in a while, and defends their reasons for not picking up their socks, it can easily turn into a fight of who is right and who is wrong. It no longer is a safe session in which a spouse can explain their frustrations, but one in which they feel like they have to tiptoe around just to keep the peace. This can lead to built-up resentment that will not rest until it comes out in a colossal explosion.
- Stonewalling
This example is frustrating to both husband and wife simultaneously. This is most common among men, but can be found in women as well. Stonewalling is where in the face of conflict, a partner disengages completely from the conversation. They can either stonewall by turning away from their partner, walking away, or pretending to be interested in something completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. They do not offer the casual feedback that one would give if they were listening. It is as if a section of their brain has completely shut down. A “stonewaller” is most likely flooded. Flooded is a state in which the physiological body cannot internalize any more conflict. Their heart rate increases, their blood rushes to their vital organs, and they are essentially in fight or flight mode. They are in a dominantly physical state of mind. A stonewaller shuts down when their body can no longer handle the pressure. A woman becomes even more frustrated at this development because naturally, women are more expressive creatures. Women can more easily bounce back from conflict, and do not always understand the effect their conflict is having on the male’s physical body. While the woman’s frustration can escalate (usually because she assumes the stonewalling, husband does not care about her plight) the male may sink deeper into his little corner. It is a lose-lose situation.
The “four horsemen” have mercilessly destroyed marriages from couples, both old and young. I do not claim that a single horseman can destroy a marriage, but usually a combination of horsemen. But one must know how to defend against them. One way has been discussed as before. We must not allow our pride to impede our family’s progression. In conflict, we must remind ourselves of the love that we have for our partner. We must not allow emotion to subject us to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
• Turn Towards Each Other, Not Apart
In our busy world our days become even more and more routine. We go to bed at night exhausted just to wake up in the morning and start the day over. We may have days so jam-packed that we do not have time to even deviate. Time from our spouse causes a drift, and eventually, a rift. I do not believe it possible for a relationship to stay constant. It is growing or it is deteriorating. The paces may be fast enough for concern, or it may be indiscernible. I am of the opinion that a relationship should always be growing.
The means by which we do this have mostly been discussed. It is through being considerate of one another. It is taking time out during the week. It is by perfecting “love maps.” Essentially, it is turning towards each other, not the outside world.
Satan knows that the family unit is the most inspired union. It is the most efficient, economically intelligent, and best stronghold designed by God. Satan and his angels desire to tear it apart by any means possible. He has discovered that the most effective way to lead away the hearts of the children of men is to slip a flaxen cord around the neck and slowly add more thin cord until he has them bound and they cannot escape without help (2 Nephi 22:26). The point is that the prisoner is being lead away. Away from what? He is leading them away from anything that the adversary deems virtuous of lovely. It does not have to be strait to an “R” rated movie or the wildest party. Not at first. It could also be something goal worthy and fulfilling. But if it causes the prisoner to refrain from returning from whence he came, it is worth the journey.
If in our marriages, we are prevented from spending the time necessary, or not consecrating our marriages, then Satan laughs. If we are not expressing our love and devotion on a daily basis, if we are not involving our spouse in our lives, if we are not developing our relationship, then we are turning outward towards the rest of the world. We are being lead by the neck and not a pure heart. Even in the midst of hustle and bustle, we must make the time for our spouse and turn inward with our backs facing the world.
• Christ Plays A Central Role In Our Marriage
Lastly, but most importantly, we must never leave the presence of Christ. When we make a covenant, it is between at least two people. One being is a supreme being while the other is a mere mortal. In the case of marriage, we are making a covenant with divinity as well as another person. Again I do not pretend to know what those covenants entail, but I know that covenants are a powerful bond that we will be accountable for. We must never relinquish our relationship with our Savior.
Our relationship with the Savior is based off of faith. I am convinced faith plays a role as a verb and a basis for conviction. If we show conviction in something it causes us to show our conviction, or faith. Having made a step and seeing that the seed is good (Alma 32:30), our faith begins to grow, which in turn causes us to take another step in faith. It is a continuing cycle.
So it is with our relationship with the Savior. We covenant with deity and take a step in the right direction. In turn, we are buoyed up by the promises that the Lord is bound to keep (Doctrine and Covenants 82:10), and then we take another step. In essence we cannot receive true happiness in our marriage without the Savior. He is the one that is uplifting us closer and closer to our eternal destination.
Also, without the Savior, we cannot give what our spouses deserve. We cannot give what we don’t have. If we do not turn our hearts over to the Savior, we are not enabled to receive charity. It is impossible. Charity is a gift and must be sought after through prayer and faith. Only then can we share this gift with our partner.
Our Savior is the ultimate source of truth and light. We are nothing without him. If we heed his words, we will be happier and better off for it. If we do not, we cannot obtain that ultimate end of rue happiness.
Ultimately, the key to a successful marriage is one in which our relationship with our spouse and our Heavenly Father and Savior is welded in love. Love plays a part in our marriage more than any other aspect, and the Plan of Salvation provides the means. In Mathew 22: 40, we learn that all the laws given to us are centered on love of God and love of our neighbor. If we obey those two things, then all others will fall into place.
In marriage, if we truly, sincerely love our spouse then we will find it easier and be more than willing to put into force the skills that have been outlined in this essay. Our love will govern our time, affection, our conflicts, and our desires.
Top Ten Keys of Marriage
By Aubrey Colvin
Firstly, before I share the ten principles of marriage that I believe to be the most beneficial to enable a successful marriage, I must preface my presentation with a brief lecture on charity, or more commonly known as love. With every aspect of marriage love plays an essential factor. It is our supreme motivator, advocate, welding link, and power.
When Christ made the ultimate sacrifice he not only allowed his life to be taken, but he also suffered for our sins. Every pain that we have ever experienced was replayed or produced before they had ever occurred. Because of the atonement’s infinite nature all are encompassed by it. In Tad A. Callister’s, The Infinite Atonement, he expresses that the atonement (in a nutshell) was infinite in time, power, coverage, depth, suffering, and lastly, love. In order to be able to complete the atonement, Christ had to love us with a deep love. We as imperfect beings find it hard to comprehend such a miraculous thing. Though the Savior begged to have the cup pass from him (Matthew 26:39), he knew his role and that our hope depended on him. He had compassion on us and underwent the atoning sacrifice.
Because of this love that he has for us, one can imagine how much He desires for us to be happy and utilize his atonement. This will come up in our discussion later, however I must convey the certainty I feel that Christ wants us to also love our neighbor, or those that he suffered for. The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). We must know that God loves his children and encourages us to do the same. In order to make a marriage work, the important element of love is essential in every aspect. If we truly love someone, we will be able to fulfill the principles of marriage that will be discussed.
• Active Listening
This is a strategy used by many programs and especially marriage councilors. The idea is that while one partner is expressing what she/he is feeling or their concerns, the other partner is listening, and then makes sure they understand what their partner is saying by repeating what they heard until the partner who was talking first verifies that they are getting the right idea. They may use preface these ideas by using phrases such as, “I’m hearing…,” “I’m getting that….,” “So, what you’re saying is….,” etc. Active listeners have been trained to use this technique to improve their marriages because it is a concrete, civil way to negotiate a disagreement.
But in order for active listening to be effective, one must realize that their heart must be in it. If a listener is not sincere, no matter how well their technique is, it will mean nothing to a couple in the long run. A listener who is getting the gist out of a conversation may not internalize that it is a true concern of the other partner, that what they are expressing is a genuine concern that should become their own, or that they should actually do something about it!
If a couple incorporated their love for each other in active listening, the conversation would change dramatically. Instead of begrudgingly listening in order to pass the “test” as to weather they understood what they were being told correctly, they would start to not only understand what was being said, but they would begin to understand their partner. Once this is accomplished, a couple may move forward.
• Validation
Another strategy is validation. When there is a disagreement, couples may be asked to validate each other, or rather their feelings. This is suspending judgment, and accepting one’s partner for who they are even though they may disagree on a particular judgment. It may help a couple understand that they are still a united couple because they can understand one another’s points of views. They are not to be criticized for the way they feel.
Again, if this strategy is merely played out, one cannot receive the desired effect. Validation should not be a means to pass judgment on a partner, but rather, be the mean by which that effect is expressed.
It is hard not to pass judgment on those that do not see things our way. Satan and his followers own the most common rut we find ourselves in. It is the illusion that we see things as they are – better than the rest of the world, including our spouse. This is a mindset that serves as a barrier between our spouse and us. Not only do would we find ourselves disconnected to our spouse, but also God.
• Overcoming Pride
Pride is an enormous contributor to almost every marital conflict. Pride is not liberating, as most will initially believe, but it is captivating. It works against us in all relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. Going along with our previous topic, we find that pride condemns us to thinking that all our own ideas are superior to our spouse’s. This will ultimately, conspicuously end in conflict.
Ezra Taft Benson defined pride as enmity. Enmity towards God and our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” Those are some strong words. Is he suggesting that anytime we feel rebellious, hard-hearted, unrepentant, or easily offended we are being proud? Of course! Pride takes many forms and is more around us than we may realize from day to day. It will take a lot of practice to be able to identify pride from day to day. But one thing is constant that we know: pride is always a sin.
In our marriages we must know that if there is conflict or opposition, pride, or enmity, is involved. In that moment where the natural man is working against us, physically as well as emotionally, we do not always have the eternal perspective to see that pride is working against us, not in favor of us, and that it is inhibiting our progress in our quest for eternal life and successful marriages. Darkness cannot coincide with light. Pride cannot coincide with true compromise and harmony in our marriages.
• Change from Within
Though it is natural to have pride, this does not exempt us from hope. We know that change, or repentance is possible. In our marriages we must realize that we cannot and should not try to change our partner, but we can only change and focus on ourselves.
Again, love becomes an imperative factor on this matter. Love can motivate us to change for the benefit of our partner. If was are truly actively listening and validating in love as opposed to merely duty, as mentioned before, we will find ourselves trying to change our nature to better facilitate the rectification of conflict.
Change is caused by principles of the gospel. It is our change from within, or the changing of our hearts that compel the changing of our outside behaviors. Boyd K. Packer once said, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.” If we practice good behaviors out of obligation alone, and not out of the desire of our hearts, it will mean next to nothing in our marriage. It will become a façade, mocking the divine relationship God intended us to have. But rather, when we turn our lives over to God, he will inspire us to utilize the atonement in our lives and repentance, or change, will take place. Emerson once said, “The only gift is a portion of thyself.” The greatest gift we can ever give our spouse, or the only gift we can give back to the Savior, is our hearts turned towards the right source of power.
• Sacrifice
One of the best demonstrations of love is sacrifice. Not only do we sacrifice our nature to God to better improve our marriage, but also we must sacrifice our time. The definition of sacrifice is to give up something for something greater or better. This means that though we really want to satisfy our wants and desires, we must put our partner’s wants and desires ahead of our own. Now, one might look at this and say, “Wow. That is a huge risk. Don’t my dreams matter? Don’t my needs and desires count for something?” The answer is of course. There needs to be a balance in one’s life in order to maintain stability and order. I submit that dreams and desires, in a marriage, should be focused on the other partner. This will actually bring happiness. Catherine Thomas once said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.”
There are many ways to sacrifice time and effort so as to let a spouse know that we love them. John M. Gottman lists an idea in his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” John Gottman has studies many couples for years and come up with his own theories as to what makes marriage work and what doesn’t by observation and then took his theories to develop his own counseling strategies. He began to notice from couples who entered his workshops that marriages that functioned healthily had something in common. They were devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. That doesn’t seem like a lot, right? But it was a consistent pattern in marriages. Here are the things the five hours included:
- During partings (in the morning usually before work) couples learned about one thing that was happening in their spouse’s life that day
- When the couple was reunited they engaged in stress-relieving conversation (usually at the end of a workday)
- Everyday the couples found some way to communicate admiration and appreciation to their spouse (VERY important)
- Couples found ways everyday to show their affection and in that affection not hold back love due to irritations built up over the day
- A weekly date was planned that allowed the couple’s time together be spent building their connection. The stress of the week is laid aside, and the couple is able to turn towards each other.
This may not seem like a lot, and thinking in terms of time consumption it may not be, but it makes a difference. Just a little amount of time dedicated to a loved one makes all the difference. It shows little by little, but more importantly, consistently that the spouse one loves so dearly is cared about and loved.
In a marriage we are taught to obey a celestial law. Ezra Taft Benson said, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on the earth and the establishment of Zion.” We know that Zion is built on eternal principles. Therefore we know that the law of consecration must be a part of our lives in the little Zion that we create in our families. I have not been through the temple, and do not claim to fully understand the covenants made within, but I do know that the joining of two people within those walls is the creating of on entity. What is mine becomes my spouse’s and what is my spouse’s becomes mine. This includes everything. Our dreams become each other’s dreams. Our hopes become each other’s hopes. Our desires become one. Of course this is not easy. There is the unmistakable possibility of conflict, and that is where consecration comes in. We must both learn to take it all and lay it on the alter. If there is some petty habit that comes between my husband and me it must be done away with. If there is something that frustrates me and is causing me to question my spouse’s divine nature, it must be done away with. Just as the Lamanite king in the Book of Mormon desired to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), so must I give away all factors that damage a marriage to know the godliness of my spouse’s soul.
One might think that this is asking too much of one person. But remember that sacrifice is the giving up of one thing for the greater benefit. One will be happier for merely the opportunity to sacrifice. Joseph Smith once said, “A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation…” Remember that marriage plays an essential role in our salvation. Let us have faith in the covenants we have made. Because of our sacrifices, our marriage will benefit far greater than what the sacrifices cost us. Our faith will grow in the celestial covenant we made.
- Do Not Focus On Negativity
Sometimes when you are the person that knows another person the best you get the best of both worlds. You know their strengths better than anyone else, and on the flip side, you know their weaknesses better than anyone else. It is easy to slip into a pattern of negative concern when one has the option of the two.
One might think that they have unlocked the truth about their spouse. “The rest of the world views them as this wonderful person, but I know what they are really like,” one might say. One need only realize that, as with anything, there is opposition in all things and that it is a matter of choice as to weather to focus on the negative qualities of a spouse or to focus on their good qualities. As a spouse, we can undoubtedly assume that we know our wife or husband in a way know one else does. We know tenderness that could be shielded from the rest of the world. We know acts of kindness and service that no other being has witnessed. It may be that our spouse is a hard worker that they never receive credit for. These are the things that need are attention and gratitude.
One of my favorite optimists was President Gordon B. Hinckley. He once said, “Be happy in all that which you do – cultivate a spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk one to another. Let the light of the gospel shine in your faces wherever you go and in whatever you do.” In this excerpt I can’t help but notice words that induce action. He says cultivate, subdue, and overcome. A good attitude is one that facilitates these actions, but does not bring them about in of itself. One must act for one’s self. Adversity will never completely be absent, but if one is able to focus on the positives, it will make the process that much easier.
- Love Maps
One way to look at one’s spouse positively is to build love maps. This is also a strategy used by Gottman. He says that love maps are “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” This is where you explore the things in their day-to-day life, where you store their favorites color, food, and activity. This is where you know when they have a bad day and how to best help them bounce back.
In one of my favorite movies, Fireproof, the characters Michael Simmons and Caleb Holt discuss the “Love Dare” that Caleb’s father has presented to him in hopes that he save his marriage. Caleb reads from the “Love Dare” Book that one must study their partner. While a couple dates, their objective is to get to know one another as much as possible, but once married, sometimes they do not keep up with one another’s lives and do not continue to study one another. The idea the “Love Dare” was presenting was to continue one’s education. If one had earned a high school diploma on their spouse, then they should continue until earning a bachelor degree, followed by a masters, and so on.
Gottman notes in his book that from knowledge of our spouse’s love maps not only springs forth love, but stability when couples face storms. They know what makes each other tick and utilize that knowledge to strengthen their marriage. When hard times hit husbands and wives who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other is thinking and feeling are not taken off course.
- Recognizing the Four Horsemen and Avoiding Them
Also researched by Gottman is the concept of the “four horsemen” that ride to plunder and destroy marriages in the wake of complacency. These horsemen all have one thing in common: they are all manifestations of pride. They show up in conflict and are a common predictor of divorce in the studies of Gottman. They are identified as:
- Criticism
This is easily discerned in an argument when one spouse attacks the other spouse, as opposed to the issue at hand. Say one spouse forgets to take out the trash and the other complains by saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I am sick of always having to nag you to take out the trash!” This is not a complaint about trash anymore, but a complaint against the person who has not taken out the trash.
- Contempt
Contempt is identified, by Gottman, as the worst of the four horsemen. Contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor, or anything that portrays disgust. It is the most dangerous because it leads to more conflict. Can one take their partner seriously, if they are fighting back with an artillery of snide remarks?
- Defensiveness
Defensiveness may be one of the most natural responses in a conflict. But like contempt and criticism, it does not help resolve conflict. If one has been told that they should pick up their socks once in a while, and defends their reasons for not picking up their socks, it can easily turn into a fight of who is right and who is wrong. It no longer is a safe session in which a spouse can explain their frustrations, but one in which they feel like they have to tiptoe around just to keep the peace. This can lead to built-up resentment that will not rest until it comes out in a colossal explosion.
- Stonewalling
This example is frustrating to both husband and wife simultaneously. This is most common among men, but can be found in women as well. Stonewalling is where in the face of conflict, a partner disengages completely from the conversation. They can either stonewall by turning away from their partner, walking away, or pretending to be interested in something completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. They do not offer the casual feedback that one would give if they were listening. It is as if a section of their brain has completely shut down. A “stonewaller” is most likely flooded. Flooded is a state in which the physiological body cannot internalize any more conflict. Their heart rate increases, their blood rushes to their vital organs, and they are essentially in fight or flight mode. They are in a dominantly physical state of mind. A stonewaller shuts down when their body can no longer handle the pressure. A woman becomes even more frustrated at this development because naturally, women are more expressive creatures. Women can more easily bounce back from conflict, and do not always understand the effect their conflict is having on the male’s physical body. While the woman’s frustration can escalate (usually because she assumes the stonewalling, husband does not care about her plight) the male may sink deeper into his little corner. It is a lose-lose situation.
The “four horsemen” have mercilessly destroyed marriages from couples, both old and young. I do not claim that a single horseman can destroy a marriage, but usually a combination of horsemen. But one must know how to defend against them. One way has been discussed as before. We must not allow our pride to impede our family’s progression. In conflict, we must remind ourselves of the love that we have for our partner. We must not allow emotion to subject us to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
• Turn Towards Each Other, Not Apart
In our busy world our days become even more and more routine. We go to bed at night exhausted just to wake up in the morning and start the day over. We may have days so jam-packed that we do not have time to even deviate. Time from our spouse causes a drift, and eventually, a rift. I do not believe it possible for a relationship to stay constant. It is growing or it is deteriorating. The paces may be fast enough for concern, or it may be indiscernible. I am of the opinion that a relationship should always be growing.
The means by which we do this have mostly been discussed. It is through being considerate of one another. It is taking time out during the week. It is by perfecting “love maps.” Essentially, it is turning towards each other, not the outside world.
Satan knows that the family unit is the most inspired union. It is the most efficient, economically intelligent, and best stronghold designed by God. Satan and his angels desire to tear it apart by any means possible. He has discovered that the most effective way to lead away the hearts of the children of men is to slip a flaxen cord around the neck and slowly add more thin cord until he has them bound and they cannot escape without help (2 Nephi 22:26). The point is that the prisoner is being lead away. Away from what? He is leading them away from anything that the adversary deems virtuous of lovely. It does not have to be strait to an “R” rated movie or the wildest party. Not at first. It could also be something goal worthy and fulfilling. But if it causes the prisoner to refrain from returning from whence he came, it is worth the journey.
If in our marriages, we are prevented from spending the time necessary, or not consecrating our marriages, then Satan laughs. If we are not expressing our love and devotion on a daily basis, if we are not involving our spouse in our lives, if we are not developing our relationship, then we are turning outward towards the rest of the world. We are being lead by the neck and not a pure heart. Even in the midst of hustle and bustle, we must make the time for our spouse and turn inward with our backs facing the world.
• Christ Plays A Central Role In Our Marriage
Lastly, but most importantly, we must never leave the presence of Christ. When we make a covenant, it is between at least two people. One being is a supreme being while the other is a mere mortal. In the case of marriage, we are making a covenant with divinity as well as another person. Again I do not pretend to know what those covenants entail, but I know that covenants are a powerful bond that we will be accountable for. We must never relinquish our relationship with our Savior.
Our relationship with the Savior is based off of faith. I am convinced faith plays a role as a verb and a basis for conviction. If we show conviction in something it causes us to show our conviction, or faith. Having made a step and seeing that the seed is good (Alma 32:30), our faith begins to grow, which in turn causes us to take another step in faith. It is a continuing cycle.
So it is with our relationship with the Savior. We covenant with deity and take a step in the right direction. In turn, we are buoyed up by the promises that the Lord is bound to keep (Doctrine and Covenants 82:10), and then we take another step. In essence we cannot receive true happiness in our marriage without the Savior. He is the one that is uplifting us closer and closer to our eternal destination.
Also, without the Savior, we cannot give what our spouses deserve. We cannot give what we don’t have. If we do not turn our hearts over to the Savior, we are not enabled to receive charity. It is impossible. Charity is a gift and must be sought after through prayer and faith. Only then can we share this gift with our partner.
Our Savior is the ultimate source of truth and light. We are nothing without him. If we heed his words, we will be happier and better off for it. If we do not, we cannot obtain that ultimate end of rue happiness.
Ultimately, the key to a successful marriage is one in which our relationship with our spouse and our Heavenly Father and Savior is welded in love. Love plays a part in our marriage more than any other aspect, and the Plan of Salvation provides the means. In Mathew 22: 40, we learn that all the laws given to us are centered on love of God and love of our neighbor. If we obey those two things, then all others will fall into place.
In marriage, if we truly, sincerely love our spouse then we will find it easier and be more than willing to put into force the skills that have been outlined in this essay. Our love will govern our time, affection, our conflicts, and our desires.
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