The morning of the day my grandmother died, I somehow knew that that day would be the day she would go the way of all the earth. It wasn't a shock, and it didn't turn my world upside down, but it did impact me. I was sad that I had this separation from her. We had known for a while now that she was going to take a journey, and so we were prepared to face that fact. I only regretted that I did not get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked. Though I mentioned her to many of my friends as a great example, I never had myself expressed it to her. I regretted that greatly. I guess I had to try to make up for it by sending her a letter that explained that fact. I was told it didn't reach her in time before she had slipped into a coma. After she had passed on, I wondered what she would think of me, seeing me with a clear mind and eyes. I wondered if she would be proud of me. Would she approve of my choices? Could she know of my life, ambitions, goals? I didn't know. I wondered what she looked like. I hadn't seen very many pictures of her and wondered what her spirit might look like. One night, I was writing about it in my journal. I wrote of how she was a spirited lady in health and how I would have liked to know her during that time in her life. I wrote my concerns. Then I wrote of m admiration of her. I wrote how I was sad she never got o hear me express in life my love of her and appreciation for the way she raised her sons, for the way she handled her illness, her determination. I was sitting on my bed at an angle, and then felt very strongly a presence over my shoulder. I felt she was reading the things I was writing and began to cry. I believe she visited me and now knows in death what I wanted so desperately her to know in life.
The funeral was held in Florida where my grandparents had lived. I was glad to fly out. It was stressful at first, especially since I am a full time student and working hard from day to day just to get everything done as it is. I had to get five days of work into two short days. I was exhausted by the end of it, but God had blessed me with an easy week altogether, making it possible for me to meet the time restraint. I flew out in time to see the viewing. I felt it was a rough decision to fly out that soon, but once I got there I felt I knew why I was compelled to make that choice. Travel for me took over twelve hours. In one airport I actually ran into my uncle on my mom's side who was flying to my hometown so he could fly some more planes. It was fun to see a friendly face in an airport that was foreign to me. There were a ton of missionaries in the airport, clearly going home. They were all at pay phones talking to their parents. I loved the sight of a little army of God. I usually bring a pass along card when I travel, but that day the only one I had wasn't in the best shape. I asked a missionary for a card and ended up giving it to a cute couple that had been married for fifty years. They were a delight to watch because they treated each other like they had just gotten married last week or something.
It was so fun to be with my family again. We had a lot to talk about in the airport and on the trip overall. I loved to see them and extended family I don't get to see very often. My great-grandpa came after he had had a heart attack the week before :-/ But it was very cool to see him. Also, I got to see one of my uncles that I hadn't seen since...? I don't even know..And of course, it is always a pleasure to see my sister and nephew. I love her so much! It was also a pleasure for me to get to know one of my cousins who I had priorly seen only time to time. I had never really talked with her one on one before, but I became so impressed with her! I am used to being the person who helps out around the house, or being the person that one can turn to in a time of need, but I noticed that whenever I went to go do something, she was already on top of it! I did get to help every now and then, but usually she had already done it, or was doing it, so I'd help how I could. I found that we were really similar in character and we looked alike too! crazy! Despite the solemnity of such an occasion, it was also a "jovial" time.
In the whole experience I have come to conclude that I get through funerals ok, but viewings are hard for me. When we entered the funeral home, it took no less than a minute for me to look at my deceased grandmother and begin to sob. I got out of the way so other people could see, but returned to her side and stared down at her. My mom had helped dress her and get her ready for the occasion. I told her I could not believe she did that, or how she could do that. I was not sure I could have. But she put a comforting arm around me and reassured me that she had had her moments as well. Looking at her, I noticed that even in death she was beautiful and elegant. I couldn't help but feel that everything that was happening was appropriate for her. No matter how much pain she was in, she liked to look good in public. It was no different for her in her coffin. I couldn't help but think how awkward I would feel with so many people looking at me or knowing that so many people were looking at me. I'd want to look good for that too. Weird thought. Leave it to me to come up with something like that... But it was very beautiful - that is the point. She looked wonderful, the funeral home looked beautiful, and the flowers were wonderful. It was appropriate for her.
I was just about drained of energy half-way through. I didn't know how my Grandpa was still standing. So firm. He always has been, in my mind, a rock facing any kind of adversity. When it came time to close the casket, a veil was put down to cover her face. I couldn't help but think that a veil is sometimes used in wedding ceremonies, and how her life with grandpa had begun with a veil and ended with a veil covering her. At that point I think I lost it. I cried for my grandpa's sorrow mostly, but I also cried for her sons, and I cried for the separation from her I was personally experiencing (time is so precious!). For some reason after everyone had walked out I was there, sitting with my own grief for company. I didn't feel as if she was there with me as I had before. She was gone doing some greater good I was sure. I wondered out of all the family and people from the community who had attended, why I was the one still sitting in the chapel. Alone. It wasn't like I didn't want to get up. I just simply couldn't. With tissues in hand I waited until I gained control of myself. I knew the people from the funeral home were waiting for me, my family was probably waiting for me too, conversing together in the parking lot. I finally felt peace. I wasn't empty anymore. The spirit was inside me. I walked out and met my family.
The funeral itself was of a lighter mood, at least for me. My sisters and I sang in the church chapel. It was a good program. I loved hearing the comments and how my grandma's children honored her. I was able to be in my grandpa's car as we proceeded to the cemetery. It was a military cemetery and as we drove by there was a group of bikers that had rode in and saluted us. I thought that was pretty cool. The grave site was dedicated and we left. Before we did I took a rose from the top of the floral arrangement on top of the grave. I have since dried it. But before I walked on I went to the head of the coffin kissed my fingers and placed them gently on top of the coffin. It was my own sign of respect and love. I knew we would be reunited one day.
