Ten Keys

So I wrote a paper for my marriage class and wanted to share it :)

Top Ten Keys of Marriage
By Aubrey Colvin

Firstly, before I share the ten principles of marriage that I believe to be the most beneficial to enable a successful marriage, I must preface my presentation with a brief lecture on charity, or more commonly known as love. With every aspect of marriage love plays an essential factor. It is our supreme motivator, advocate, welding link, and power.
When Christ made the ultimate sacrifice he not only allowed his life to be taken, but he also suffered for our sins. Every pain that we have ever experienced was replayed or produced before they had ever occurred. Because of the atonement’s infinite nature all are encompassed by it. In Tad A. Callister’s, The Infinite Atonement, he expresses that the atonement (in a nutshell) was infinite in time, power, coverage, depth, suffering, and lastly, love. In order to be able to complete the atonement, Christ had to love us with a deep love. We as imperfect beings find it hard to comprehend such a miraculous thing. Though the Savior begged to have the cup pass from him (Matthew 26:39), he knew his role and that our hope depended on him. He had compassion on us and underwent the atoning sacrifice.
Because of this love that he has for us, one can imagine how much He desires for us to be happy and utilize his atonement. This will come up in our discussion later, however I must convey the certainty I feel that Christ wants us to also love our neighbor, or those that he suffered for. The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). We must know that God loves his children and encourages us to do the same. In order to make a marriage work, the important element of love is essential in every aspect. If we truly love someone, we will be able to fulfill the principles of marriage that will be discussed.
• Active Listening
This is a strategy used by many programs and especially marriage councilors. The idea is that while one partner is expressing what she/he is feeling or their concerns, the other partner is listening, and then makes sure they understand what their partner is saying by repeating what they heard until the partner who was talking first verifies that they are getting the right idea. They may use preface these ideas by using phrases such as, “I’m hearing…,” “I’m getting that….,” “So, what you’re saying is….,” etc. Active listeners have been trained to use this technique to improve their marriages because it is a concrete, civil way to negotiate a disagreement.
But in order for active listening to be effective, one must realize that their heart must be in it. If a listener is not sincere, no matter how well their technique is, it will mean nothing to a couple in the long run. A listener who is getting the gist out of a conversation may not internalize that it is a true concern of the other partner, that what they are expressing is a genuine concern that should become their own, or that they should actually do something about it!
If a couple incorporated their love for each other in active listening, the conversation would change dramatically. Instead of begrudgingly listening in order to pass the “test” as to weather they understood what they were being told correctly, they would start to not only understand what was being said, but they would begin to understand their partner. Once this is accomplished, a couple may move forward.
• Validation
Another strategy is validation. When there is a disagreement, couples may be asked to validate each other, or rather their feelings. This is suspending judgment, and accepting one’s partner for who they are even though they may disagree on a particular judgment. It may help a couple understand that they are still a united couple because they can understand one another’s points of views. They are not to be criticized for the way they feel.
Again, if this strategy is merely played out, one cannot receive the desired effect. Validation should not be a means to pass judgment on a partner, but rather, be the mean by which that effect is expressed.
It is hard not to pass judgment on those that do not see things our way. Satan and his followers own the most common rut we find ourselves in. It is the illusion that we see things as they are – better than the rest of the world, including our spouse. This is a mindset that serves as a barrier between our spouse and us. Not only do would we find ourselves disconnected to our spouse, but also God.
• Overcoming Pride
Pride is an enormous contributor to almost every marital conflict. Pride is not liberating, as most will initially believe, but it is captivating. It works against us in all relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. Going along with our previous topic, we find that pride condemns us to thinking that all our own ideas are superior to our spouse’s. This will ultimately, conspicuously end in conflict.
Ezra Taft Benson defined pride as enmity. Enmity towards God and our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” Those are some strong words. Is he suggesting that anytime we feel rebellious, hard-hearted, unrepentant, or easily offended we are being proud? Of course! Pride takes many forms and is more around us than we may realize from day to day. It will take a lot of practice to be able to identify pride from day to day. But one thing is constant that we know: pride is always a sin.
In our marriages we must know that if there is conflict or opposition, pride, or enmity, is involved. In that moment where the natural man is working against us, physically as well as emotionally, we do not always have the eternal perspective to see that pride is working against us, not in favor of us, and that it is inhibiting our progress in our quest for eternal life and successful marriages. Darkness cannot coincide with light. Pride cannot coincide with true compromise and harmony in our marriages.
• Change from Within
Though it is natural to have pride, this does not exempt us from hope. We know that change, or repentance is possible. In our marriages we must realize that we cannot and should not try to change our partner, but we can only change and focus on ourselves.
Again, love becomes an imperative factor on this matter. Love can motivate us to change for the benefit of our partner. If was are truly actively listening and validating in love as opposed to merely duty, as mentioned before, we will find ourselves trying to change our nature to better facilitate the rectification of conflict.
Change is caused by principles of the gospel. It is our change from within, or the changing of our hearts that compel the changing of our outside behaviors. Boyd K. Packer once said, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.” If we practice good behaviors out of obligation alone, and not out of the desire of our hearts, it will mean next to nothing in our marriage. It will become a façade, mocking the divine relationship God intended us to have. But rather, when we turn our lives over to God, he will inspire us to utilize the atonement in our lives and repentance, or change, will take place. Emerson once said, “The only gift is a portion of thyself.” The greatest gift we can ever give our spouse, or the only gift we can give back to the Savior, is our hearts turned towards the right source of power.
• Sacrifice
One of the best demonstrations of love is sacrifice. Not only do we sacrifice our nature to God to better improve our marriage, but also we must sacrifice our time. The definition of sacrifice is to give up something for something greater or better. This means that though we really want to satisfy our wants and desires, we must put our partner’s wants and desires ahead of our own. Now, one might look at this and say, “Wow. That is a huge risk. Don’t my dreams matter? Don’t my needs and desires count for something?” The answer is of course. There needs to be a balance in one’s life in order to maintain stability and order. I submit that dreams and desires, in a marriage, should be focused on the other partner. This will actually bring happiness. Catherine Thomas once said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.”
There are many ways to sacrifice time and effort so as to let a spouse know that we love them. John M. Gottman lists an idea in his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” John Gottman has studies many couples for years and come up with his own theories as to what makes marriage work and what doesn’t by observation and then took his theories to develop his own counseling strategies. He began to notice from couples who entered his workshops that marriages that functioned healthily had something in common. They were devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. That doesn’t seem like a lot, right? But it was a consistent pattern in marriages. Here are the things the five hours included:
- During partings (in the morning usually before work) couples learned about one thing that was happening in their spouse’s life that day
- When the couple was reunited they engaged in stress-relieving conversation (usually at the end of a workday)
- Everyday the couples found some way to communicate admiration and appreciation to their spouse (VERY important)
- Couples found ways everyday to show their affection and in that affection not hold back love due to irritations built up over the day
- A weekly date was planned that allowed the couple’s time together be spent building their connection. The stress of the week is laid aside, and the couple is able to turn towards each other.
This may not seem like a lot, and thinking in terms of time consumption it may not be, but it makes a difference. Just a little amount of time dedicated to a loved one makes all the difference. It shows little by little, but more importantly, consistently that the spouse one loves so dearly is cared about and loved.
In a marriage we are taught to obey a celestial law. Ezra Taft Benson said, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on the earth and the establishment of Zion.” We know that Zion is built on eternal principles. Therefore we know that the law of consecration must be a part of our lives in the little Zion that we create in our families. I have not been through the temple, and do not claim to fully understand the covenants made within, but I do know that the joining of two people within those walls is the creating of on entity. What is mine becomes my spouse’s and what is my spouse’s becomes mine. This includes everything. Our dreams become each other’s dreams. Our hopes become each other’s hopes. Our desires become one. Of course this is not easy. There is the unmistakable possibility of conflict, and that is where consecration comes in. We must both learn to take it all and lay it on the alter. If there is some petty habit that comes between my husband and me it must be done away with. If there is something that frustrates me and is causing me to question my spouse’s divine nature, it must be done away with. Just as the Lamanite king in the Book of Mormon desired to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), so must I give away all factors that damage a marriage to know the godliness of my spouse’s soul.
One might think that this is asking too much of one person. But remember that sacrifice is the giving up of one thing for the greater benefit. One will be happier for merely the opportunity to sacrifice. Joseph Smith once said, “A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation…” Remember that marriage plays an essential role in our salvation. Let us have faith in the covenants we have made. Because of our sacrifices, our marriage will benefit far greater than what the sacrifices cost us. Our faith will grow in the celestial covenant we made.
- Do Not Focus On Negativity
Sometimes when you are the person that knows another person the best you get the best of both worlds. You know their strengths better than anyone else, and on the flip side, you know their weaknesses better than anyone else. It is easy to slip into a pattern of negative concern when one has the option of the two.
One might think that they have unlocked the truth about their spouse. “The rest of the world views them as this wonderful person, but I know what they are really like,” one might say. One need only realize that, as with anything, there is opposition in all things and that it is a matter of choice as to weather to focus on the negative qualities of a spouse or to focus on their good qualities. As a spouse, we can undoubtedly assume that we know our wife or husband in a way know one else does. We know tenderness that could be shielded from the rest of the world. We know acts of kindness and service that no other being has witnessed. It may be that our spouse is a hard worker that they never receive credit for. These are the things that need are attention and gratitude.
One of my favorite optimists was President Gordon B. Hinckley. He once said, “Be happy in all that which you do – cultivate a spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk one to another. Let the light of the gospel shine in your faces wherever you go and in whatever you do.” In this excerpt I can’t help but notice words that induce action. He says cultivate, subdue, and overcome. A good attitude is one that facilitates these actions, but does not bring them about in of itself. One must act for one’s self. Adversity will never completely be absent, but if one is able to focus on the positives, it will make the process that much easier.
- Love Maps
One way to look at one’s spouse positively is to build love maps. This is also a strategy used by Gottman. He says that love maps are “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” This is where you explore the things in their day-to-day life, where you store their favorites color, food, and activity. This is where you know when they have a bad day and how to best help them bounce back.
In one of my favorite movies, Fireproof, the characters Michael Simmons and Caleb Holt discuss the “Love Dare” that Caleb’s father has presented to him in hopes that he save his marriage. Caleb reads from the “Love Dare” Book that one must study their partner. While a couple dates, their objective is to get to know one another as much as possible, but once married, sometimes they do not keep up with one another’s lives and do not continue to study one another. The idea the “Love Dare” was presenting was to continue one’s education. If one had earned a high school diploma on their spouse, then they should continue until earning a bachelor degree, followed by a masters, and so on.
Gottman notes in his book that from knowledge of our spouse’s love maps not only springs forth love, but stability when couples face storms. They know what makes each other tick and utilize that knowledge to strengthen their marriage. When hard times hit husbands and wives who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other is thinking and feeling are not taken off course.
- Recognizing the Four Horsemen and Avoiding Them
Also researched by Gottman is the concept of the “four horsemen” that ride to plunder and destroy marriages in the wake of complacency. These horsemen all have one thing in common: they are all manifestations of pride. They show up in conflict and are a common predictor of divorce in the studies of Gottman. They are identified as:
- Criticism
This is easily discerned in an argument when one spouse attacks the other spouse, as opposed to the issue at hand. Say one spouse forgets to take out the trash and the other complains by saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I am sick of always having to nag you to take out the trash!” This is not a complaint about trash anymore, but a complaint against the person who has not taken out the trash.
- Contempt
Contempt is identified, by Gottman, as the worst of the four horsemen. Contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor, or anything that portrays disgust. It is the most dangerous because it leads to more conflict. Can one take their partner seriously, if they are fighting back with an artillery of snide remarks?
- Defensiveness
Defensiveness may be one of the most natural responses in a conflict. But like contempt and criticism, it does not help resolve conflict. If one has been told that they should pick up their socks once in a while, and defends their reasons for not picking up their socks, it can easily turn into a fight of who is right and who is wrong. It no longer is a safe session in which a spouse can explain their frustrations, but one in which they feel like they have to tiptoe around just to keep the peace. This can lead to built-up resentment that will not rest until it comes out in a colossal explosion.
- Stonewalling
This example is frustrating to both husband and wife simultaneously. This is most common among men, but can be found in women as well. Stonewalling is where in the face of conflict, a partner disengages completely from the conversation. They can either stonewall by turning away from their partner, walking away, or pretending to be interested in something completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. They do not offer the casual feedback that one would give if they were listening. It is as if a section of their brain has completely shut down. A “stonewaller” is most likely flooded. Flooded is a state in which the physiological body cannot internalize any more conflict. Their heart rate increases, their blood rushes to their vital organs, and they are essentially in fight or flight mode. They are in a dominantly physical state of mind. A stonewaller shuts down when their body can no longer handle the pressure. A woman becomes even more frustrated at this development because naturally, women are more expressive creatures. Women can more easily bounce back from conflict, and do not always understand the effect their conflict is having on the male’s physical body. While the woman’s frustration can escalate (usually because she assumes the stonewalling, husband does not care about her plight) the male may sink deeper into his little corner. It is a lose-lose situation.
The “four horsemen” have mercilessly destroyed marriages from couples, both old and young. I do not claim that a single horseman can destroy a marriage, but usually a combination of horsemen. But one must know how to defend against them. One way has been discussed as before. We must not allow our pride to impede our family’s progression. In conflict, we must remind ourselves of the love that we have for our partner. We must not allow emotion to subject us to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
• Turn Towards Each Other, Not Apart
In our busy world our days become even more and more routine. We go to bed at night exhausted just to wake up in the morning and start the day over. We may have days so jam-packed that we do not have time to even deviate. Time from our spouse causes a drift, and eventually, a rift. I do not believe it possible for a relationship to stay constant. It is growing or it is deteriorating. The paces may be fast enough for concern, or it may be indiscernible. I am of the opinion that a relationship should always be growing.
The means by which we do this have mostly been discussed. It is through being considerate of one another. It is taking time out during the week. It is by perfecting “love maps.” Essentially, it is turning towards each other, not the outside world.
Satan knows that the family unit is the most inspired union. It is the most efficient, economically intelligent, and best stronghold designed by God. Satan and his angels desire to tear it apart by any means possible. He has discovered that the most effective way to lead away the hearts of the children of men is to slip a flaxen cord around the neck and slowly add more thin cord until he has them bound and they cannot escape without help (2 Nephi 22:26). The point is that the prisoner is being lead away. Away from what? He is leading them away from anything that the adversary deems virtuous of lovely. It does not have to be strait to an “R” rated movie or the wildest party. Not at first. It could also be something goal worthy and fulfilling. But if it causes the prisoner to refrain from returning from whence he came, it is worth the journey.
If in our marriages, we are prevented from spending the time necessary, or not consecrating our marriages, then Satan laughs. If we are not expressing our love and devotion on a daily basis, if we are not involving our spouse in our lives, if we are not developing our relationship, then we are turning outward towards the rest of the world. We are being lead by the neck and not a pure heart. Even in the midst of hustle and bustle, we must make the time for our spouse and turn inward with our backs facing the world.
• Christ Plays A Central Role In Our Marriage
Lastly, but most importantly, we must never leave the presence of Christ. When we make a covenant, it is between at least two people. One being is a supreme being while the other is a mere mortal. In the case of marriage, we are making a covenant with divinity as well as another person. Again I do not pretend to know what those covenants entail, but I know that covenants are a powerful bond that we will be accountable for. We must never relinquish our relationship with our Savior.
Our relationship with the Savior is based off of faith. I am convinced faith plays a role as a verb and a basis for conviction. If we show conviction in something it causes us to show our conviction, or faith. Having made a step and seeing that the seed is good (Alma 32:30), our faith begins to grow, which in turn causes us to take another step in faith. It is a continuing cycle.
So it is with our relationship with the Savior. We covenant with deity and take a step in the right direction. In turn, we are buoyed up by the promises that the Lord is bound to keep (Doctrine and Covenants 82:10), and then we take another step. In essence we cannot receive true happiness in our marriage without the Savior. He is the one that is uplifting us closer and closer to our eternal destination.
Also, without the Savior, we cannot give what our spouses deserve. We cannot give what we don’t have. If we do not turn our hearts over to the Savior, we are not enabled to receive charity. It is impossible. Charity is a gift and must be sought after through prayer and faith. Only then can we share this gift with our partner.
Our Savior is the ultimate source of truth and light. We are nothing without him. If we heed his words, we will be happier and better off for it. If we do not, we cannot obtain that ultimate end of rue happiness.

Ultimately, the key to a successful marriage is one in which our relationship with our spouse and our Heavenly Father and Savior is welded in love. Love plays a part in our marriage more than any other aspect, and the Plan of Salvation provides the means. In Mathew 22: 40, we learn that all the laws given to us are centered on love of God and love of our neighbor. If we obey those two things, then all others will fall into place.
In marriage, if we truly, sincerely love our spouse then we will find it easier and be more than willing to put into force the skills that have been outlined in this essay. Our love will govern our time, affection, our conflicts, and our desires.

Let Freedom Ring

K, so I'm a day late, but better late than never, right? For the 4th of July my fiance and I finally got a date in! We've been so busy with wedding plans and school, with finals coming up and everything, that we haven't had the chance to have a real, fun date. I really wanted to visit some of my family who were going to be only a few hours away during the holiday, but circumstances wouldn't permit it, so we took advantage of the holiday and the little bit of time we had together. On Saturday we had a double date! We went to a firework show. The idea was, first of all, supposed to be a surprise, but my fiance can't seem to keep anything from me :) so I did know about it. Second of all, it didn't go exactly as planned. The idea was to watch the show from this little island that we were going to ferry out to. But the problem was, there was so much traffic, that we couldn't even get to park near the water. Traffic was the worst I have ever seen it, and I'm from the city! People were parking on the lawns, medians, you name it. The whole city seemed to be of the opinion that anything goes! I guess this is supposed to be the biggest Fourth of July show west of the Mississippi. So we ended up on some lawn and got out our little mini barbecue and made some hamburgers and hot dogs. Yum! We set up lawn chairs and blankets and got all ready. The other couple and I got caught up before the show, and the show was awesome to watch! We sorta got lost on the way home, due to congested traffic, but all in all, it was a great night.
Then, of course on the Fourth, it was a fast and testimony meeting. Many people, as expected, bore their testimonies on their gratitude for freedom and the ability to worship how they may. There seemed to be a theme of gratitude for much more than just freedom, but all the tender mercies the Lord pours out on this nation. Truly, the Lord gives us many, many blessings. I think too often we focus on everything that is going wrong in this country and forget all the blessing we have. We have it so good! I have no doubt that the founding fathers were inspired and had the right principles and ideals in mind when they set up our government, but people only abuse the law and the spirit of it. In truth, I am proud to be an American. There are many good hearts and many great blessings. We need only compare our personal circumstances to other nations to see that. They don't share the same privileges we have.
Now I am definitely off the topic I wanted to share. I have been thinking about freedom and liberty and what that means in a gospel perspective.
Agency, as defined in True to the Faith, is "the ability to choose and to act for yourself." We know that in the premortal life we had the ability to choose between our Heavenly Father's plan or Satan's plan. "[Our} presence on this earth confirms that [we] exercised [our] agency to follow Heavenly Father's plan." (True to the Faith, 12.)
I am not sure how, but in scripture it talks of agency being a gift from God. I do not understand this fully and how this would relate to our existence as intelligences before we became spirit children (Abraham 3:22). But as I have been studying this topic I have come to conclude (and this is not something I would teach in Sunday school or over the pulpit until I understood it more plainly or heard this from a general authority) that there are two types of agency. One is your basic all-encompassing agency, and the second is moral agency which is contingent on a few factors that God has given us (thus, I wonder if the gift of agency is actually the gift of moral agency, and our ability to choose isn't necessarily given to us, but allowed to continue because God is all powerful and allows us to have our agency to bring to pass his great and marvelous work [Moses 1:39]. And then again, that is why I wouldn't teach this in a church setting). In order to have moral agency, it seems as if two things have to happen: One, we need to have opposition, which started with Adam and Eve when they fell, which was in accordance with God's Plan of Salvation. There has to be right choices and wrong choices, sin and righteousness, good and evil. "Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other" (2 Nephi 2:16). The second is that we must have access to intelligence and the light of truth (D&C 93: 29-32). May I submit that the means by which we have access to intelligence is the Light of Christ (for he said "I am the Spirit of truth" [D&C 93:26]), which helps us discern between right and wrong.
Because of this moral agency, we become agents unto ourselves (D&C 58:28). In essence, we choose who we become. We do not choose the consequences of our actions, but we choose what kinds of consequences we will have by our actions, weather in this life, or the life to come. "Choices of good and righteousness lead to happiness, peace, and eternal life, while choices of sin and evil eventually lead to heartache and misery" (True to the Faith, 12). Consequently, we are responsible for ourselves, or rather accountable. "That every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according too the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment" (D&C 101:78).
Because of the perfect Plan of Salvation, we have the freedom to choose where we will ultimately end up. "And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Ne 2:27). If we choose righteously, then not only are we free, but we have LIBERTY. Righteous actions allow us to have more choice and more expansion of ability and growth, where unrighteous actions allow condemnation, or a limited expansion of ability and growth. But ultimately, the choice is ours.
With the Light of Christ, we are never alone in this endeavor. And in addition, as latter-day-saints we have the blessings and gift of the Holy Ghost. This gift allows us to be truly converted to Christ and the laws of heaven, and furthers our ability to reach our full potential. It expands our horizons so that we do not have to be commanded in all things, but use our agency to improve our talents. We can do things of our own free will and bring to pass much righteousness (D&C 58:27).